For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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Fighting For Forever

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It was a routine visit to the OBGYN. Just another annual check-up and I assumed it would go just as smoothly as the last check-ups have gone. No STD’s and no abnormal pap. After all, this is the way it’s gone since I was 16. The only difference was this time I would be going in with the intention to stop my birth control. With the intention of telling my OB that my husband and I were going to start trying to have a baby. It was exciting and scary all at the same time, but from the day that I first started playing with baby dolls I knew that one of my great purposes in life was to be a mother.

I would be a great mother, a loving and caring mother. You know, the type of mother that would kiss the boo-boos and check a temperature by the kiss on the forehead. I would be the kind of mother that would watch in awe as her baby sleeps, the kind of mother that plays with their child and builds a relationship with their child, and the kind of mother that would be her child’s best friend, from baby to adult.

I would do the job that every mother hates to do but has to do too. I would discipline my child. The spankings, the time-outs, and saying “no” aren’t the ideal part of parenting, but nonetheless it is still parenting and I would do it. I would stay up countless hours with my child while they were sick or hurting from the heartbreak of their first love.

I would sit down and do homework with my child and cuddle with my child.

I had some pretty big ideas about the parent I was going to be. The parent I was supposed to be.

The dreams that were crushed and torn apart when I received the phone call that my OB wanted to see me again. That day I timidly walked into the doctor’s office. I could hear my heart thumping and I could have sworn the other patients could too. The doctor called my name and my hands got clammy and my breathing grew heavier, it felt as if I was on death row. As if it was my turn to say good-bye and in a way, that day I did say good-bye. I said good-bye to my biggest dream.

The doctor told me that it didn’t look like I would be able to bear children. She went on to explain why and she gave me countless other options. I was looking right at her, but I suddenly couldn’t hear a single word she was saying. I thought my sole purpose on this earth was to have children, to be a mommy and to make my husband a daddy. Suddenly this life I’d always been so blessed to have felt unfair. I felt like I had been dealt a pretty terrible hand. Hearing this news was terrible, but my biggest fear was yet to come, sharing the news with my husband. We spent years and years and years talking about how we were going to have kids. How excited we were and the moment we made the big decision to start trying I could literally see the excitement in his eyes. How was I ever going to tell him that I will never be able to give him children? Would he still love me? Would he still want me? What would he do?

My husband took the news about as hard as I did. We held each other for hours and cried and cried and cried. I probably did most of the crying, but the disappointment that flickered across his face in the moment I told him was nothing short of soul crushing. I was letting down the man I loved more than anything in this world. Not only did I feel like I killed my husband’s dreams, but I felt incompetent as a woman.

The days seemed to pass by ever so slowly. The house was hauntingly quiet as we barely spoke two words to each other for days. We were both struggling to manage our pain.

I spent hours staring at the brochures that the doctor had given me, but never could open them. I wasn’t ready to accept the fact that’d I’d never experience the excitement of feeling a child grow inside me. I’d never experience the pain and joys of child birth. I’d never be a mother. Not in the true sense anyway.

A few weeks had passed and I felt myself go from the deepest level of sadness to the deepest level of anger. I was mad at the world. I was mad that I wasn’t allowed to have children. That God took the one thing away from me that made me a woman. I was angry. No, I was pissed. I was pissed that there were drug addicts and murderers and horrible people that got to have kids, but not me. There were people who didn’t even want kids who were having kids and then there was me, the person who has spent her whole life dreaming of the day she’d become a mother, gets ripped off. What did I do to deserve this?

Time progressed and things between my husband and I seemed to continually digress down a path of darkness and hate. We rarely talked to each other anymore. The two people that were so in love on the day we said “I do” just a few short years ago, didn’t seem to inhabit the same bodies. We couldn’t look at each other without feeling like something was missing and every time my husband looked at me all I saw was disappointment.

“We should discuss our options.” Those were the first words I had heard come out of my husband’s mouth in months. It grabbed my attention right away and my first thought was “he wants a divorce.”

I didn’t blame him. I couldn’t give him the one thing we both wanted more than anything, so leaving was a decision I knew he’d make eventually. When I turned around though he was smiling as he was fanning out the pamphlets that the doctor had given me all those months ago. I could have sworn I threw them away, but there they were. He had this light in his eyes that I hadn’t seen since before the dreadful day I told him we would never be parents and I couldn’t help but smile. “What was he so excited about?”

He took my hands and he sat down right across from me and he said “Kate, I’ve always dreamed of the baby that you and I would have together. The last couple of months have been hard. We’ve both given up, but when I saw these pamphlets in the trash I decided to give them a look and that’s when I realized that whether we adopt, or we get a surrogate, or whatever it is that we do, this will always be OUR child. OUR child doesn’t have to share our DNA. It doesn’t have to have my laugh and your eyes. It just has to have US as parents.”

My husband and I have come a long way from that moment. In fact 8 years and 3 adopted kids later and I’ve never felt like more of a mom and a woman than I do in this very moment.

I realized a lot from this moment in time, but most importantly I realized the importance of love and patience. My husband had every reason in the world to leave me; in fact he should have left me. I wasn’t present in our relationship, I was distant, and I was cold. I would scold him without cause and I rarely looked him in the eye. He should have left, but he didn’t. He took our vows seriously and after some time had passed for grieving he decided to step in. He saved me, he saved our marriage and every day I can’t thank God enough for giving this man to me. Walking away would have been easier for him to do, but he knew what we used to be and what we were supposed to be and he pushed through. That’s what a real relationship is, it’s fighting for each other even when it seems like the odds are against you. It’s giving each other your everything, good and bad.

Where Was He?

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The funny thing about writing is you could have a million stories to tell on a subject, but you lack the inspiration or the desire. That’s exactly what has happened to me lately. My inbox has been full of dating stories that I have done nothing with. I have my own arsenal of stories, but they too have laid dormant. Without inspiration my writing is nothing and because of that I haven’t posted in a while.

Lately I have found it incredibly hard to find anything to write about that doesn’t revolve around Politics. There is so much hate and war and crime that I find myself struggling to not write something of more value. I’ve tried to always make it a point of mine to leave politics as a personal belief. To leave it off my blog and all other forms of social media.

That however, has become increasingly harder for me to do with the imminent threat of ISIS, the devastating state of our economy, and of course it doesn’t help that I have this burning passion to tell the world my thoughts. The issue with politics is they’re so controversial. Nobody wants to listen to the other side and take into consideration what they have to say or what they have to offer.

That being said the Democrats and Republicans in Washington are all the same. They’re all corrupt and I’m finding it harder and harder to believe that any of them have the best interest of the American people at heart. All they care about are their Benjamin’s. $$$$

I love this country. I love America. I bleed Red, White, and Blue and I have only the deepest and greatest gratitude for our service men and woman, the true American Hero’s.

I don’t like to associate myself with one party or the other. I associate myself with my personal beliefs and morals, but I definitely know that I fall further to the Right than to the left.

What has been bothering me the most lately is ISIS and how our President is responding to them, or more or less, not responding to them.

The first “I” in ISIS stands for ISLAMIC yet Washington is hesitant to say we are at war with Islam. Why? I’m not here to point finger and group everyone into a big category. I’m not going to say all Muslims are bad.

However, we are at war with the people who will kill for or in the name of “Allah;” the radical Muslims, the followers of Islam. These people use Islam as their reasoning to destroy America, to destroy Christianity, to destroy Judaism, and to destroy anyone who doesn’t believe in their God. They are Radical Islamist and yet, our leaders (our President) are having a hard time calling them for what they are. How do you win a war if you can’t, or more if you WON’T, identify the underlying problem?

Three Muslims get killed and the President comes out and makes a statement (during an open investigation, nonetheless) and says (and I’m definitely summarizing and paraphrasing) how terrible it is that Muslims are being targeted in America. As far as I know, they were killed because a man had severe road rage and they were in a dispute over a parking spot. We don’t know if that is or isn’t the case because it’s STILL AN OPEN INVESTIGATION, but I do know that President Obama’s “statement” or “commentary” doesn’t belong.

Oh, but I know. He’s a compassionate President who wants to shed light on a major concern.

So tell me, where was his compassion in September of 2014 when 54 year old Oklahoma Colleen Hufford’s head was severed from her body by a co-worker who recently converted to Islam and was reportedly “saying Arabic terms in his attack.” Tell me, where was our President and all his compassion then? Of course, many of you will stand up and shake your fist and say “this was a workplace dispute!” “This man just lost his job!” “It had nothing to do with Religion. How dare you bring religion into this?” Is this not the same type of situation as the three men that were killed over what appears to be a parking dispute?

No?

So then let’s move on, where was our President in June of 2014 when 19-year old Brendan Tevlin was viciously murdered by Mr. Ali Muhammad Brown? When asked about the reasoning behind his murder Mr. Brown stated that it was a “just kill.” That he killed this 19-year old with a big future ahead of him because he didn’t believe in the war, and it was revenge, one American for one Muslim. Tell me, WHERE WAS OUR PRESIDENT? WHERE WAS HE?

(Probably out golfing.)

Are you trying to tell me that these two American lives that were taken by Muslims, one we know for a fact was because of religion, aren’t worthy of his attention? Were they not worthy of a statement saying “American’s are being targeted by Radical Islamist?”

Of course not, because we must understand and sympathize with these terrorists. We must understand their grievances, because surely if they all had jobs, they wouldn’t be doing this. Right?

Just a little food for thought.

There’s No Second Date, Is There?

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I actually haven’t been the most flawless dater known to mankind.

I know. Shocking!

I have this bad habit of talking before I’ve completely finished chewing my food. It’s not like I’m being a disgusting animal that’s talking with a whole bite in my mouth, it’s just sometimes I get so excited to tell a story I’ll start before I’m able to get my food all the way down. 9 times out of 10 it’s not even noticeable, it just looks like I’m making a hard and fast swallow. I’d hardly call it un-lady like, but I’m sure Queen Elizabeth would not approve.

So that brings me to a date I was on a while back. My date and I were talking and making jokes and everything seemed to be going really well. At one point he had made a particularly funny comment that had caught me a little off guard. I tried to choke back my food before laughing, but I couldn’t get it down quick enough and there it was, food spewing right out of my mouth. It definitely wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever done and as shocking as this may be, not only was that our first date, but it also happened to be our last.

Regrettably, this has happened more times then I’d like to admit, but every other guy has been able to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. One time it was even Sushi, which is pretty disgusting, and that didn’t seem to ruin the date. Any guy that can’t get over a little food spit because I’m laughing at his joke, I have one thing to say to that: I don’t need that kind of judgmental negativity in my life.

Then there was the time I left a guy on the curb waiting for a cab.

It was a long night and we all know how alcohol can cloud anybody’s judgment. So the next morning when I woke up with a pounding headache and a mouth dryer than the Mohave Desert I knew there was only one cure: water, Advil, greasy breakfast food, more water, and a Bloody Mary. I’m not sure who taught me this, probably my eldest brother (he’s like the Yoda of drinking), but it’s a basic cure to any hangover. You can thank me later.

Anyway, the only problem was my friends wanted to go to breakfast and this guy needed to get back to his friends. You see, I was in the quite the predicament. After some thought though, I realized the only thing that made sense was to have him call a cab and wait out by the curb while I went to breakfast. I probably should have offered to take him back to his friends, as that would have been the lady-like and kind thing to do, but we were both equally uninterested in each other so I’m sure he really didn’t mind.

Then of course, there was the time I called the guy the wrong name on our first date. It was an honest mistake. I’d been on two dates with two different guys in the same day. I just overbooked myself and keeping their names straight was harder than doing the ABC’s backwards while intoxicated. Fortunately though, my little slip up happened while he was dropping me off at the end of the date. It’s safe to say I never heard from him again. Not even a “thanks for a great time” text afterward.

In the past, I’ve done some serious ranting about how much I hate when guys lead girls on, but I too am guilty of this one. Remember the cat guy? Yeah, I knew from the start I didn’t really like him, but I felt out the situation because I was broke and hungry. The older I get the worse I feel about this one, he really was a nice guy. He just had shady cats and red hair, which made him the perfect candidate for not me. I’m pretty positive Karma has already come back and bit me on the ass for this one though, so all is well that ends well.

Then of course, there’s the infamous act of going back to an ex. EVERYBODY is guilty of this one and I’ll be the first one to say it’s a serious dating faux paus. We always say been there done that, but for some reason we can’t resist the charm of our high school sweetheart at our hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving. Why? What’s up with that? We usually run into them once or twice after high school. Unfortunately mine was twice and both times I was grasping at strings that weren’t there. In my defense we were both at really weird times in our lives.

The lesson here is, it never ends well so just don’t do it. Don’t go back. Keep running towards the light. Don’t ruin your forward progress. Remember “Been there, done that” say it with me now BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

#27 eating

And finally, there have been times that I have gone out with guys and known from the get-go that it’s not going to end well and that, despite how good of a date they think it is, there will not be a second date. I use to (key word being USE to) take full advantage of these dates. I’d order 3 too many beers and instead of being a lady and getting a salad I’d get an appetizer and a huge entrée. I knew that they were paying so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of leftovers for lunch and dinner for the next day. Those are not my finer moments nor were they my skinniest moments either.

I’m still going to stand by the fact that 99.9% of the guys that I had brief encounters with were total douche nozzles, BUT I can’t act like I’ve been perfect. I’ve had my fair share of questionable moments. The good news is, I’ve learned something from them all and it’s lead me to where I am today.

So don’t be afraid to make mistakes while dating. That’s what makes it so fun. Don’t try to be so polished. It’s the messy, ridiculous, completely off plan dates that usually end up being the forever thing!

“May the Odds be Ever in your Favor”

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The first full week of January has passed and I’m sure everyone is still excited about their “New Year, New Me” slogan. Why don’t all of you come back and see me in March. Call me cynical if you must, but I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions were total busts for me. Oh wait, yeah I can…ALL OF THEM!

Resolutions fill my social media news feed and it’s almost unbearable. Out of pure curiosity, I went about asking random people what their resolutions were for 2015 knowing full and well I’d receive the same answers over and over again. I got a few humorous off the wall ones like “Stop calling my boss a bitch under my breath so much,” “Continue to not get my girlfriend pregnant,” and “Not be single for next Christmas, even if that means renting a date.”

I laughed at the first one thanking God that I have pretty outstanding bosses, the second one I applauded, and the third one I sympathized with. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent fantasizing some sort of Debra Messing and Durmot Mulroney Hollywood love story (See “The Wedding Date.”)

I could go through the standard “It’ll happen when it happens” or “You can’t make somebody fall in love with you” speech, but nobody wants to hear that. I know I never did. So instead I thought I’d share some of the biggest dating faux pas I encountered during my long stint of dating.

For all you hopeless romantics out there let me walk you through a few steps that could be helpful in landing yourself a lover for the 2015 Holiday Season and someone to ring in 2016 with.

Speak the Truth

Don’t exaggerate too much. We all know a story isn’t any good without a little embellishment on the details, but don’t tell me about your close near death encounter with a hammer head shark when in reality you were just at the “pet a shark” section at the zoo.

Texting Etiquette

Men: It’s not hard to pick up your phone sometime after the first date and send us a text. If you’re not interested there are no hard feelings, but if we send you a text you should be doing one of two things:

  1. Text us back and let us know so we don’t waste our time; or
  2. DON’T TEXT US AT ALL. IGNORE US. If you’re not man enough to tell us that you’re not interested then just don’t text back. Don’t play mind games. If you’re going to fan the flames then you absolutely deserve that crazy that is eventually coming your way.

Ladies: One text is plenty. If he doesn’t respond within 12 hours he’s not interested. Delete his number and MOVE ON. There is nothing more unattractive then a girl that becomes a stage 5 clinger after one date. I know you liked him, but he clearly didn’t like you. Sorry. Also, when I say delete his number, seriously, delete it. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT DRUNK TEXT HIM. EVER.

TMI

I probably can’t say this enough, but don’t give away too much information on the first date. Nobody wants to know about the weird lump you had when you were 16 and that’s why you had to have a colonoscopy at such a young age.

Alcohol

Let’s be real for a minute, the best two things about going on a date is the food and the alcohol. For girls especially because normally it’s going to be free. There is an extremely fine line between just the right amount and too much. Just one drink can send you over the top. Nothing says “I’m a real catch” like vomiting on your date’s suede shoes while crying and repeatedly slurring “I’m so sorry.”

Conversation Topics and Manners

Let’s touch on all the conversation topics you SHOULDN’T talk about:

  • Your ex and along the same lines don’t ask about their ex
  • How drunk you and your friends get and the stupid stuff you do
  • All the people you’ve slept with
  • Oh and did I mention not to talk about your ex?

Now, let’s move on to conversation manners:

  • Look your date in the eye when you’re talking to them. I don’t care how uninteresting they are or if they have a whole salad stuck in their teeth, don’t be rude.
  • When they ask you a question answer and reciprocate the question back to them. Don’t spend the whole night letting the other person field all the questions. As much as you think it might be, it’s really not all about you.

The Check

Call me old school, but the man should pay unless other arrangements were made prior to the meal. If, as a man, YOU ask the girl out and you do not pay, you’re pathetic.

“You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the check. That’s all I’m asking for is a reach. Is that too much to ask for?” So ladies if you feel like it give it a reach, but this can and will backfire.

Good luck to finding your soulmate in 2015 you’ve got 11 months to make it happen.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

A Little Cash For Your Cab Ride

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Uber

A few months ago I went on a very casual first date. It wasn’t anything special and I certainly had no intentions of it going any further than a couple of dates, at best. We met online, but it wasn’t through a dating website it was through a Facebook friend we both had in common. That alone was enough to make me 99.9% sure that this would never work. I’ve never had too much luck with meeting guys on Facebook. It’s cliché and let’s be honest, kind of creepy.

From the moment he first asked me out I immediately knew he had the first date thing on lock. He wanted to meet for drinks and a quick appetizer and that was it, meaning one of two things: he’s either only interested in sex OR he’s done this a time or two and he’s been about as lucky as I have been. Our date literally lasted about an hour and I can’t say I was upset about it. It was long enough to get to know one another on the most basic level, but short enough to make us both want a second date.

As we were sharing an appetizer of calamari and drinking our beer (thank the Lord he ordered a beer) I found myself sharing a few of my disastrous relationship stories with him. At this point-in-time he had no idea that bad dates were kind of my second job. We were flip flopping on bad date stories and I couldn’t help but be in complete awe that he had had just as many if not more stories than I had.

Time passed and we became a little more serious and to everyone’s awe we’re actually still together. Now don’t go thinking I don’t have any more bad dating stories to share, because trust me, that is NOT the case. I have an arsenal of them, but the good news is so does my boyfriend (yeah, I just said that) and now I get to share his stories to the world.

One of my favorite dating stories of his is when he leaves a girl at a concert. Douche bag move or not? You be the judge of that. Enjoy!

I struck up a conversation with a girl from Match.com one Sunday afternoon in July of 2013. We had a normal conversation via email then exchanged numbers once we became comfortable. Later that night I received a text asking if I would go for a walk and chat. I obliged and brought my lovable yet sorta fat dog with me. I was happy to see she was a dog lover and didn’t mind. Our conversation went great and so we decided to meet again for lunch the following Monday.  2 dates in 2 days! Things seemed to be going great.

Through the few conversations that she and I had I could tell that she was a teeny tiny bit on the spoiled side. You know with the “gimme gimme gimme” and “I want I want I want.” Other than that though, she seemed like a nice enough person, we all have our flaws, right?

A few days after our second date she had asked to hangout again and I agreed. That evening she had told me that her mom had bought her VIP tickets to Luke Bryan and she had asked me to go with her. Through conversation I had found out that she had had these tickets for quite some time and the concert was only three days away and she had nobody to go with. That probably should have been a HUGE red flag, but nonetheless I agreed to go.

Sunday had rolled around, the big day! Outdoor concerts have always been one of my favorite summer activities, so I was pretty excited. Not to mention we had VIP tickets which meant a private concert before the actual concert, who wouldn’t be excited?

2 hours before she was supposed to come to my house we started texting. Our conversation was about nothing really exciting, but then she said something out of the blue. She said “I just want you to know that I don’t really think I would be a good parent or that I even like kids very much.” She knew I had a son so this was a little shocking to hear. My response to her statement was along the lines of “well I appreciate you telling me now.” Not that I was in the marrying mode after just one week of dating but I certainly wasn’t going to continue pursuing someone who doesn’t like kids. She apologized and said the way it came out was not exactly what she meant, but I’m not exactly sure how else I’m supposed to interpret what she said. I was willing to look past it though just so we could have a good time at the concert.

Before I say too much more let me first say this one thing, I am a moderate country fan and Luke Bryan is just ok for me. I’m sure all the ladies disagree, but don’t get your panties in a bunch over that statement.

As soon as we arrived we did not have much time before the private concert started. We made our way to the tent and waited patiently for Luke to come out on stage. When he finally made his way out to the stage there were about 200 people huddled around the stage and the women were going crazy, as expected.

Since we were in a hurry when we first arrived I didn’t have time to buy a drink. After all, it is an outdoor concert AND there is no way I’m going to enjoy this show as much as the ladies seem to be enjoying it without a few adult beverages.

I told my date I was going to get a drink and I politely excused myself. She didn’t seem to mind as she appeared to be way more interested in screaming “LUKE.” So I made my way to the back of the tent where the bar was located, about 75 feet away from the stage.

As I was purchasing my drink a random guy struck up a conversation with me. I can’t even remember what we talked about, but about 10 minutes had elapsed. All of the sudden out of nowhere my date came walking toward me with her hands raised in the air and very angrily said “What the f*ck, dude!”

My immediate reaction was to apologize, even though I didn’t really know what I was apologizing for. I had no idea that leaving her to watch Luke Bryan for 10 minutes would be such a big deal but I was certainly sorry that she was upset. Keep in mind that the bar was in eyesight of the stage and if she turned around she could easily see me.

After the private concert we made our way to our seats in the main venue. Florida Georgia Line was up first and during their entire set she was still upset with me. I continued my apologies pleading with her to just have a good time. My pleas were getting nowhere. She continued to pout and she wouldn’t even speak to me.

After the first band ended I asked her to take a walk. I wanted to try one last time to get her to simply enjoy the concert. All my efforts made no impact as she continued to stand there with her arms crossed acting like a spoiled little brat.

I had put up with it long enough and I was at my wits end. I reached into my pocket, grabbed $40 out, and said “thanks for bringing me to the concert here’s some cab money I am going home.” I walked my happy ass out of the concert and never looked back.

Thanksgiving – A Time to Bare All

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Imagine spending a nice romantic winter evening with the one you’ve decided to make yours.

The two of you are sitting in front of the fireplace drinking wine, or better yet vodka, and spending hours upon hours talking and getting to know one another on a more intimate level. As the night begins to creep into the wee hours of the morning and your head becomes clouded with the vodka, your partner is nothing short of a gentleman when he offers you pajama’s and his bed for the night while he sleeps on the couch. What a romantic intimate evening filled with laughter and pure innocent romance.

It’s every girls dream to be treated like a princess, to be catered to, to be loved, and most of all to be respected.

Unfortunately not every date goes like this. You don’t always end up with the perfect Norman Rockwell picturesque winter scene.

So, when I received this date in the mail I nearly pissed myself and I knew I had to share it.

Thank you to the anonymous writer who may or may not be from Virginia, South Carolina, or Rome.

The date was November. I can’t remember the exact date, but I know it was before Thanksgiving and after Halloween. The year? I don’t really remember that either. It was November though and I do know it was the weekend before Thanksgiving.

So, the date was late November and I had been dating this guy, Keith. He was tall, handsome, and he had these green eyes that were almost cat like. We had only been on a handful of dates and we had yet to wrinkle the sheets, if you know what I mean. We were both fresh out of college and just starting to find our paths in life, so settling down was the last thing on our minds.

The last few dates we had been on I had been getting the feeling that he wasn’t all that into me anymore. Or maybe it was me that wasn’t all that into him anymore, either way I didn’t think things would progress much further.

So I was a little surprised when Keith asked me to spend Thanksgiving with his family. He told me the details of their family Thanksgivings and I thought it sounded absolutely wonderful. He told me they spent the weekend before Thanksgiving at his grandparent’s cabin “eating, drinking, and being merry.” It truly sounded wonderful and a weekend away in a cabin sounded splendid, so I happily agreed.

The weekend was finally here and my nerves were shot to hell. Here I was about to meet this man’s whole family and I wasn’t even 100% sure I liked him. I was somewhere between 30% and 50% sure about him, those of us familiar with the dating know that unless it’s over 60% they aren’t really even worth our time.

The cabin was only a few hours away and it was quaintly nestled in a wooded area on the side of a mountain. It was absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t believe his grandparents owned this. As terrible as it sounds my first thought was “hm, there must be some money in his family somewhere.” Which made me a little more keen to the idea of him and at this point I was about 40% sure of him.

As we ascended up the steps to the front door my heart began pounding. I wanted nothing more than to retreat to the car and go home. I didn’t want to do this anymore. I wanted so badly to be in the comfort of my own home. What was I thinking when I agreed to this?

We walked in and we were instantly greeted by his lovely grandmother. She was everything you would picture a grandma being. She was short and white haired and she smelled like a familiar Avon perfume, perhaps it was Vanilla Musk. She was beautiful, even her wrinkles were beautiful; they gave her the appearance of a full happy life. She grabbed my hand and immediately pulled me into a warm embrace and for a second I almost forgot she was a complete stranger.

I went to meet the rest of the family and they were all just as kind as his grandmother. His mother was a little cold, but I figured with time she would warm up to me.

The first night came and went and his mother insisted we sleep in two separate rooms which wasn’t surprising in the least. He slept on the couch, like a gentleman, and he gave me the spare bedroom.

Day two was the “Feast Day” as his family called it. The ladies spent all day in the kitchen cooking. I thought I would be exempt from this task seeing that I was a guest, but that wasn’t the case. The minute the sun peeked over the horizon his mother was in my room waking me up to “help prepare.” I was pissed.

“Feast Day” turned into the longest day ever. His mother critiqued everything I did from the way I stirred the mashed potatoes to the way I talked. I’d had about enough of this pretentious woman. She was rude and cold and I wanted to go home and crawl back in bed.

“Feast Day” quickly turned into “Fiasco Night.”

The meal had ended and we were all sitting around the living room in front the fire talking and drinking. One by one everyone started to head to bed. Before long it was just me and Keith, this was the first time we had been alone since we stepped foot in the door.

Keith went on and on about how he felt I assimilated to his family so well and I handled his mother’s criticism like a champ. We began laughing and for the first time since our first date I was actually having a good time with him.

We continued drinking and one thing led to another and before we knew it we were butt ass naked. It wasn’t but 2 minutes later when I heard a woman clear her voice. We jumped up, covered our privates and immediately all hell broke loose. His mother was screaming at me and him, but mostly me. She woke up the whole cabin, even sweet Grandma, who even at 1 a.m. still smelled like Vanilla Musk, the woman must have bathed in it.

10 minutes later his mom was still screaming. She quickly pivoted and we were face-to-face, she grabbed my arm and pulled me off the couch, and I was absolutely still naked. She yanked me towards my room and told me I needed to pack my things. So here was half popped and my boyfriend’s parents AND grandparents were watching me walk to my room with my ass cheeks swaying from side to side. That’s one hell of a Walk of Shame.

Keith ended up driving me home and dropping me off at my house at 3 in the morning. I was mortified and as I stepped out of the car, I didn’t know what to say to him. I turned around to say a simple “Thank You” and before I could get it out he put his hand up as if to stop me and he said “it’s probably best if we don’t talk anymore.”

I think this story was the best present I have ever given to my family. They still mention it at least once every Thanksgiving.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!