“May the Odds be Ever in your Favor”

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The first full week of January has passed and I’m sure everyone is still excited about their “New Year, New Me” slogan. Why don’t all of you come back and see me in March. Call me cynical if you must, but I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions were total busts for me. Oh wait, yeah I can…ALL OF THEM!

Resolutions fill my social media news feed and it’s almost unbearable. Out of pure curiosity, I went about asking random people what their resolutions were for 2015 knowing full and well I’d receive the same answers over and over again. I got a few humorous off the wall ones like “Stop calling my boss a bitch under my breath so much,” “Continue to not get my girlfriend pregnant,” and “Not be single for next Christmas, even if that means renting a date.”

I laughed at the first one thanking God that I have pretty outstanding bosses, the second one I applauded, and the third one I sympathized with. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent fantasizing some sort of Debra Messing and Durmot Mulroney Hollywood love story (See “The Wedding Date.”)

I could go through the standard “It’ll happen when it happens” or “You can’t make somebody fall in love with you” speech, but nobody wants to hear that. I know I never did. So instead I thought I’d share some of the biggest dating faux pas I encountered during my long stint of dating.

For all you hopeless romantics out there let me walk you through a few steps that could be helpful in landing yourself a lover for the 2015 Holiday Season and someone to ring in 2016 with.

Speak the Truth

Don’t exaggerate too much. We all know a story isn’t any good without a little embellishment on the details, but don’t tell me about your close near death encounter with a hammer head shark when in reality you were just at the “pet a shark” section at the zoo.

Texting Etiquette

Men: It’s not hard to pick up your phone sometime after the first date and send us a text. If you’re not interested there are no hard feelings, but if we send you a text you should be doing one of two things:

  1. Text us back and let us know so we don’t waste our time; or
  2. DON’T TEXT US AT ALL. IGNORE US. If you’re not man enough to tell us that you’re not interested then just don’t text back. Don’t play mind games. If you’re going to fan the flames then you absolutely deserve that crazy that is eventually coming your way.

Ladies: One text is plenty. If he doesn’t respond within 12 hours he’s not interested. Delete his number and MOVE ON. There is nothing more unattractive then a girl that becomes a stage 5 clinger after one date. I know you liked him, but he clearly didn’t like you. Sorry. Also, when I say delete his number, seriously, delete it. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT DRUNK TEXT HIM. EVER.

TMI

I probably can’t say this enough, but don’t give away too much information on the first date. Nobody wants to know about the weird lump you had when you were 16 and that’s why you had to have a colonoscopy at such a young age.

Alcohol

Let’s be real for a minute, the best two things about going on a date is the food and the alcohol. For girls especially because normally it’s going to be free. There is an extremely fine line between just the right amount and too much. Just one drink can send you over the top. Nothing says “I’m a real catch” like vomiting on your date’s suede shoes while crying and repeatedly slurring “I’m so sorry.”

Conversation Topics and Manners

Let’s touch on all the conversation topics you SHOULDN’T talk about:

  • Your ex and along the same lines don’t ask about their ex
  • How drunk you and your friends get and the stupid stuff you do
  • All the people you’ve slept with
  • Oh and did I mention not to talk about your ex?

Now, let’s move on to conversation manners:

  • Look your date in the eye when you’re talking to them. I don’t care how uninteresting they are or if they have a whole salad stuck in their teeth, don’t be rude.
  • When they ask you a question answer and reciprocate the question back to them. Don’t spend the whole night letting the other person field all the questions. As much as you think it might be, it’s really not all about you.

The Check

Call me old school, but the man should pay unless other arrangements were made prior to the meal. If, as a man, YOU ask the girl out and you do not pay, you’re pathetic.

“You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the check. That’s all I’m asking for is a reach. Is that too much to ask for?” So ladies if you feel like it give it a reach, but this can and will backfire.

Good luck to finding your soulmate in 2015 you’ve got 11 months to make it happen.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

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