A Military Salute – U.S.A.

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You wake up and after a stretch and a sigh of disbelief that it’s already morning you immediately think “Oh how I wish it was Friday or even better yet Saturday. Here I go again, another day being over worked and underappreciated. Off to a job that barely pays the bills.” You’re groggy and sleepy because your significant other was snoring all night or because your 5 year old was sleeping in between you and your spouse or because the dog was jumping on and off the bed all night. Plain and Simple you just didn’t sleep well the night before. You could use an extra two or five hours.

You walk to the shower and you trip over the rug. The profanities are rolling. It is just NOT your morning. There’s no time for breakfast so you just pour a big cup of coffee to-go, because lord help you, you’re going to need it. You kiss your spouse goodbye and you’re off to the day care. The kids spill their milk in the car and you grit your teeth and think to yourself “I cannot wait until you’re 18.” You hug and kiss your babies good bye and your sprinting to your car to avoid being late, AGAIN. Right as you get off onto the interstate traffic comes to haltering stop. You slam on your breaks and you are now wearing your supersized cup of coffee. You tilt your head back, breathe deeply, close your eyes, and just sink into the puddle of coffee. You are on the verge of tears. Could today get any worse? All you can think about are all the things that have gone wrong today. How you wish today just never would have happened. How you can’t wait to get the day over with and start fresh tomorrow.

Now imagine this:

Imagine waking up in a war zone. Want to talk about not sleeping well? Try sleeping when its hundreds of degrees outside and you’re in a glorified tent. Try sleeping when you hear gun shots all around you. Try sleeping when your only good night kiss is the one you give the wallet sized picture of your family before bed. Imagine putting on layers after layers of protecting clothing, slinging a 100 pound bag and a couple of guns over your shoulder, and walking out into over 100° whether. Imagine your day starting with war. Not the metaphorical wars you have with your teenage daughter over how much make-up she can wear, but real life actual war, the kind of war that produces blood, sweat, tears, and death.

Imagine waking up thinking “I might never see my family again.” Then imagine getting up and going to work anyway without a single complaint because you know you’re fighting to keep those people in that wallet sized photo safe.

Just for one moment imagine everyday like the second scenario. Now tell me, how bad the first scenario really is? Tell me, how bad it is to wake up next to your soul mate? Tell me, how bad it is to kiss and hug your kids every day?  Tell me, how bad is it to have a “safe” job to go to? Tell me, how bad is it?

My point here is to not make anyone feel bad about the path they have chosen to live or to make anyone feel guilty for not being anything short of gracious for what they have. My point is to make known what you actually have and to make known the sacrifices that our soldiers go through. The sacrifices they make so you can wake up next to your spouse and hold your kids every day.

I recently was asked to do a survey on military relationships and with it being the week of Veterans Day I thought it to be of the upmost importance. So I asked soldiers and their significant others to give me their stories. As I was reading through the messages that were sent to me I found myself in awe of all that our military men and woman and their families sacrifice.

Here are just a few of the many messages I received:

“For me personally I would have to say the constant travel and the distance when your partner can’t come with.”

“They can’t tell you everything that they saw or experienced so you wonder, ‘why are they so mad all the time?’ You want to ask questions but you don’t know what is ok to ask and what isn’t. Lots of sacrifice on both ends.”

“Every time the phone rang, especially if it was a number I didn’t know, my heart dropped. I was consumed with the thought of him never returning home. What would I do? Could I live in a world where he was gone? Am I strong enough for that?”

“My family, they keep me returning home. I can’t think about the ‘What ifs’ I just have to keep thinking of going home to them.”

“The war changed him. The day he came home was the greatest day ever, but it didn’t take me long to see that he wasn’t really here. He didn’t die, but the war still took him from me. The nightmares, the blank stares; He’s just not the same.”

“Sometimes I wish we could just touch each other.”

“She’s a hero. At war, at home, everywhere she goes. It’s not easy, but she loves what she does.”

After reading all the messages I received I couldn’t hardly keep my composure. There aren’t enough words to show my gratitude to the Men and Women who serve this country and show my sympathy for the families they leave behind.

To the men and women who have, who do, and who will serve this great country, THANK YOU!

Veterans-Day

**Thank you to everyone who contributed to this post. Thank you for the solider who gave me a brief synopsis inside the life of a solider. Thank you to everyone who submitted their messages. They were all heart felt and eye opening.

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Top Seven Realites of Modern Dating That Everyone Hates

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Recently I took a poll on what people hate most about dating in today’s world and the answers received were nothing shocking. Everything I read made me laugh, because I too have been there and experienced each and every one of these feelings.

  1. He’s always with his ex

– So, maybe he’s not physically with his ex and maybe they don’t even talk anymore, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still Facebook/Twitter/Instagram friends. Even though he says he’s “over her” and you believe him, we all know he’s still looking at her profile just to see whose doing better. Hell, I know I still social media stalk the hell out of my ex’s, not because I’m interested but just to prove that I’ve got more going for me then they do.

  1. He’s Always on his phone

– Whether he’s talking to his mom, or his buddy, or he’s on his work phone, gone are the days where you get to spend actual quality time together. Time where there were no interruptions. Even though it may be something small like a simple text message from a co-worker it’s still beyond irritating when you’re laying on the couch watching a movie and he gets all squirmy while he tries to text back and cuddle you at the same time. 2 hours, that’s all we’re asking for here. 2 hours!

  1. You can never really get away from him

– He’s always there. Your friend posts an embarrassing picture of you on Instagram and BOOM! You’re phone starts blowing up because you’re with 13 different guys. Obviously he didn’t notice the acne and lack of boobs or the caption that reads “#tbt” or “#Circa2000”

    1. You actually have to online date

– Online dating is no longer a tool that you use for convenience. You are actually forced to online date. The good ole days of meeting someone randomly out in public are no more and any guy you’d meet in bar, there is a 99.7% chance you do NOT want to take him home to meet the family. Just beware of the ones who don’t disclose important stuff on their profile. If they fail to mention their age or degree level, they’re probably going to fail to tell you they have an STD until after you sleep together. SCARY!

  1. You come off so needy

– You eventually find yourself soliciting others for a date for events like your friend’s wedding or even for Thanksgiving. We don’t all fall in love with our high school sweet hearts anymore and it’s rare that we find love in our 4 year drunken stupor that some call college. When we start to realize everyone around us is getting married or moving in with their significant other, we start begging people to accompany us as our dates so we can avoid the pity stares and the infamous “He’s out there somewhere” comment.

  1. People keep asking “when is it your turn?”

– Old people always think it’s appropriate to ask this question, but it’s not. Just Stop. Stop looking at me with your worried expression asking me when I’m going to get married or have babies. I’ll be fine. I’ve now started looking at people with the same expression saying “Oh, don’t you remember? I got married last spring. Are you feeling okay?”

  1. Dating is so embarrassing

– Cue Seinfeld – The Big Salad Episode:

Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.

Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn’t it?

Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I’m on a date I feel people can tell.

Jerry: People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.

Elaine: You can say that again.

Jerry: It’s embarrassing for them. It’s painful for us to watch. I’m going out with someone later; I’m not even taking her out of the house.

Elaine: Good for you.

Jerry: I don’t need a bunch of people staring at us.

Elaine: Right on baby.

That basically sums it all up.

WARNING: The Ghouls and Goblins are out tonight and horny as can be, don’t end up drinking until you can’t see, because you might end up with HERPES! Have a SAFE Halloween!

*Don’t forget if you are interested in telling your HORRIFYING dating story or if you have an idea for a poll that you think would provide some interesting answers, send them to acbetz6@gmail.com or like us on Facebook at https://m.facebook.com/goodfoodbadcompany and direct message them.

Tinder Is The New Craigslist

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Despite our best efforts, the first date with anyone can usually be pretty horrendous. The key is keeping an open mind. 99.9% of the dates I speak of are first dates and they are usually pretty horrible, but about 75% of the first dates weren’t total deal breakers. There is nothing better than an absolutely hilarious story to tell on your wedding day about the first time you met. For instance my sister and her husband have a pretty hilarious first date story. I’ll tell you that at a later date, but let’s just say they went to the mall food court. Sometimes a bad first date is the perfect way to start off a great relationship.

I’ll be the first to admit that I hate going on first dates. It doesn’t matter how many times I do it, every time is just as dreadful as the last. First dates can be rather mundane and boring. If you get in the habit of continuously going on first dates the conversation becomes rather, blah. There is really no other way to describe it. I have told far too many people that I’m the youngest of four and before I even finish my sentence I can tell you exactly what they are going to say, “So you’re the baby?” Yes, you dumb shit. The youngest of four does in fact imply that I’m the baby. Good job on putting two and two together.” I don’t mean to get so hostile, but I just get so sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over and over again. I feel like I’m stuck in bad episode of The Flying Nun. Sweet Jesus I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that show, but it is by far one of the worst T.V. shows on Antenna TV. Take my advice on this one, don’t watch it.

We’ve all heard of the fabulous and wonderful Tinder and unfortunately I’ve gone on more first dates with guys from there than I’m comfortable admitting. You never really know what you’re going to get with Tinder and so far it’s been a major disappointment, but I suppose that’s of really no surprise. After all it’s a “dating” app based on superficiality.

Tinder is exactly where I happened to meet this next guy.

First of all I feel that I need to preface this by saying the date was prolonged several days. Not because I was sick or he was sick, but simply because apparently he had “poor time management” those are his exact words, not mine. He had originally said we would go out on a date on a Sunday. He texted me maybe once a few days prior and then Sunday came and Sunday went and I never heard a word. At this point I thought “no hard feelings.” Nothing gained and nothing lost, he just wasn’t interested and that was fine because I myself wasn’t so sure I was interested either.

Sunday had passed and by Monday afternoon I had received a text message from him asking if I’d like to go out on maybe Tuesday. I agreed, because at this point in my life I don’t turn down dates. Not because I need more writing material, I actually don’t need any more of that, but because I would like to get married someday, but I’ve been told I can’t technically marry “Phil.”

I received a few text messages here and there on Tuesday and then he said he would call me when he was ready, he was thinking maybe 8:30ish. 8:30 rolled around and nothing. I waited ever so patiently and 9:45 my phone rings and it’s him. He has the nerve to ask me if I’m still up for it, I respectfully decline and try to save the hostility, after all he has no idea that I have a pretty strict bedtime of 9:30. Not because I’m lame, but because I am gainfully employed and I LOVE sleep. He apologizes and says (I do actually give him credit for his honesty) “I don’t know, I guess I just had bad time management today.”

Normally I would have been somewhere in the “Excuse me? First time we meet and you have bad time management? Get yourself together. I’m not wasting my time.” ball park, but I have realized that hostility gets you nowhere and oddly enough I wasn’t even upset or disappointed. I felt indifferent about it because at this point broken plans were by far the least of the horrible things that have ever happened to me.

If there is one thing I have learned about myself it’s that if a guy is overly interested in me I’m, for all practical purposes, out. I want nothing to do with him and or a relationship with him. If however, a guy has no real interest in me I find myself in a state of admiration. I want him and that’s final. So of course when this guy doesn’t drop his plans for me all of the sudden my interest has been peeked. Challenge accepted.

So, we made plans for a Thursday night and once again it was a late night, but we stuck to them and we both saw them through. When I had asked him where he wanted to go he had said ‘Lava’. Now, don’t worry because the first time I heard it I didn’t know just exactly what it was either. So when I Googled the place I couldn’t help but laugh when I found out it was a Hookah Bar. I don’t know if it was the fact that I hadn’t smoked Hookah since I was 18 or if was the fact that I didn’t know Hookah was even still cool, but I found this to be hilarious.

I showed up at Lava as planned and the date continued as appropriate. I don’t smoke, anything, so I drank a beer and he smoked the hookah. The date progressed as any date would and then it ended and we went our separate ways. The date definitely wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t extraordinary either. It was just another first date and in order to make a solid decision on how I felt about him I would have to see him a few more times.

We continued to go on dates and continued to text and although he seemed to be a great guy, the chemistry was just so-so. It took him somewhere around 3 dates until he finally kissed me, which was strange to me, but I thought he was just being a gentleman so it was kind of sweet.

Every “relationship” (I use quotation marks because it was far from a relationship, but I don’t know how else to describe it) has that one deciding moment. There is always something that happens that makes you say “yep, I like this guy!” or “yep, this isn’t going to work.” In this scenario, for me, it was the latter of the two. I’ll never forget this moment. We went to the Farmers Market together, which in theory is ADORABLE, and we had a pretty good time. He had taken me back to my apartment and when we went to part ways I thought it would be the standard hug, kiss, and goodbye. Once again, I was wrong he hugged me for what seemed like a decade. We just stood there, outside my apartment hugging, and hugging, and still hugging, which was all fine until he said “You’re so little. I like hugging you, it feels nice.” I smiled one of those scared smiles that says “Oh. My. God. Are you going to kill me? Are you Buffalo Bill?” My friend warned me about this. She always said when dating guys from the internet you could be meeting the love of your life or Buffalo Bill.

I really didn’t think he was going to kill me, as previously stated he was a REALLY nice guy, but the strange part wasn’t the hugging. After all the hugging he didn’t even kiss me, he just turned around and said goodbye. It was at this time that I thought, I think we have both lost interest in each other and for the first time in a while I wasn’t wrong.

Some time had passed and we continued to talk off and on, but nothing serious. I was in the midst of the lease on my apartment coming to an end and I was frantically searching for a place to live so I wouldn’t have to move back in with my parents. Much to their demise this was of no success as their basement has now become my humble abode. I tell people its temporary, but I’m currently in the process of painting the walls.

Anyway, I had told him what was going on and he had said something along the lines of: “If we could be friends, it’s possible I might be looking for a roommate if you’d be interested?” I just remember thinking to myself that is quite possibly the worst way EVER to tell someone that you’re not interest. “Hey I don’t really want to date you and I don’t really like you that much. You were basically just filling time, but in an effort to not hurt your feelings and let you down easy, would you like to be friends AND roommates?” Apparently Tinder is the new Craigslist.

A Deal Made With The Devil

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“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
-David Wong, John Dies at the End

What do you get when you’ve met a guy from an online dating website, you’ve been dating for a month, and he asks you to co-sign a loan for him? Yes, a disaster.

So yeah, this happened. I was dating this sleazy dirt bag who was 30 years old and actually asked me to co-sign on a loan for him to purchase a vehicle.

It was March of 2014 and I was down in Nashville Tennessee with a bunch of girls celebrating one of my closest friend’s upcoming nuptials; it was a bachelorette party, if you will! One morning we were all cooking breakfast, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and rehashing events from the night before. Not even an hour had passed and when I went to go get my phone I had 20 MISSED CALLS from the man I was dating, or a/k/a the Devil.

I finally called Lucifer back and you will not believe the question that came out of his mouth. He had actually asked me if I would be willing to co-sign for a loan for him for the purchase of a new vehicle! Of course my immediate reactions were “Hell NO!” “Absolutely not!” and “are you kidding me?” He was 30 years old and he couldn’t even afford to get a car on his own. This hands down without a doubt should have been the moment that I realized “I need to get out NOW!”

I got back to Indiana and I decided I would feel the relationship out for a little while longer. After all, maybe he was just hard pressed and out of a desperate attempt to get a new car he had a lack of judgment and asked me. This happens all the time, right?

A few weeks went by and I never heard another thing about him wanting me to sign for this vehicle. I thought I was free and clear and we would be able to progress forward with our relationship, which for the most part was a disaster in itself.

A few days later I get a really vague text from my boyfriend that was just an address and said “please meet me here after work.” I thought maybe something was wrong, so after the work day was complete I headed out.

As I merged off the interstate and my GPS was pointing me closer and closer to final destination, in the distance I saw a car dealership. In an attempt to rationalize with myself I figured he had just purchased a vehicle and he needed my help getting something back to his house. That’s what it had to be, there was no other explanation.

As I got out of my car and he approached me he said “I want you to look at the Jeep I’m about to buy.” Immediately I felt relief wash over my body. He was just showing me the vehicle that HE purchased. Shew, I wiped some sweat off my brow on that one.

We looked at his Jeep and took a test drive and I assured him that the vehicle was flawless and that I thought he should get it.

Between the sales guy and my boyfriend, by the time it was all said and done I ended up walking out of there as the co-signer of a “temporary” 90-day loan. I was under the impression that in 90 days my name would be dropped from the loan and I would no longer be financially responsible.

Now, before you go assuming I’m a huge idiot, let me be clear, I absolutely am. These two swindled me into making a deal that didn’t even exist. There is no such thing as a temporary 90 day loan; I should have been smart enough to know that, but I let their sweet talking ways win me over. I literally made a deal with the devil himself.

As time passed our relationship slowly deteriorated until all that was left was the connection of the Jeep. This was mostly due to the fact that he slept with his ex and got her pregnant while we were still together, but that’s neither here nor there. Once 90-days had passed I thought I was free and clear of the loan. I was thinking they would mail me some papers to sign and I would be on my way to freedom. Again, I realize how big of an idiot I sound like, but let me proceed.

I called the loan company to see what the next steps would be and what do you know, they tell me that I’m the sole borrower and the loan is completely in my name. They also proceed to tell me that the loan is 75 days past due. Immediately my heart drops right out of my ass. How could this have happened? How could I have been so blind? For Christ sake I work in the legal field and we deal with loans all the time. HOW DID I MISS THIS?

I went about in a frantic state for what seemed like forever until I gained my composure and started obnoxiously calling my ex. He had promised me he was going to apply for a loan and we would refinance this into his name. We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks when suddenly he fell off the face of the planet. His phone was dead, his house was empty, and the Jeep (that was mine) was nowhere to be found. There was only one logical answer; he had taken his rightful place as King of the underworld.

I immediately called the finance company and told them the Jeep was missing. I told them that I was not paying on the loan and that their only recourse would be to find the Jeep and have it repossessed. As my dad said, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.” He was basically stating the fact that I was poor and couldn’t pay for the disaster that I had gotten myself in to.

My next step was to call the Police and report the vehicle as stolen and just hope and pray that this would all be figured out soon.

A few weeks went by and I heard absolutely nothing, from anybody. My nerves were on their last string and I’m pretty sure I lost a baseball sized clump of hair from all of the stress. My life was slowly spiraling out of control.

I finally took matters into my own hands and I started doing some digging and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this charming ex-boyfriend of mine had been arrested for theft, not vehicle theft, but gas theft. He was put in jail on a $6,000 bond. After some further research I found out that he posted bond and was immediately arrested for a warrant he had out for his arrest and he was held for another jurisdiction. So what jurisdiction was he being held for? Oh, I’m all too happy to answer that question, he was being held for the U.S. Military.

Apparently he went AWOL from the U.S. Army 8 years ago and after evaluation he was charged with desertion and he is now being held in a military facility in Colorado. As to the specificity of his case, I don’t know, but I do know that it was pretty serious. It was also seriously awesome, at least to me.

This is probably my biggest regret to date, but I can’t say I didn’t learn a good lesson. I actually learned a couple of things from this relationship:

1. Never get financially involved with anyone who isn’t your husband, and even then question it;
2. Karma is real, and I came out on the winning end;
3. At the first sign of crazy save yourself the trouble and get out; and
4. I obviously have a pretty keen ability for picking winners.

A Little Flighty

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Question: What do you get when you give a truck driver a degree and a uniform?
Answer: A pilot.

Now before I proceed let me be clear, I have no issue with truck drivers and I feel it necessary to inform you that my father was a truck driver for years, so obviously I am not down grading truck drivers. I am however, down grading pilots. It’s not to say they’re all bad, but I have only met one pilot in my entire life and he was, well let’s just say he was a little flighty.

Everything started out pretty normal between him and I. That is of course assuming that online dating is considered normal these days. He sent me a wink and I sent one back. Then he added me as a favorite and I reciprocated the action. After we both knew we were on the same page he finally sent me a message that read something like “Hey! I enjoyed looking at your profile (which was a blatant lie, my about me section was just a period. It literally read like this “.”) You’re absolutely gorgeous and the fact that you have a college degree and no kids definitely puts you in the top 10% of women on this website!” That comment alone made me feel pretty extraordinary. I always wondered what my online dating competition was like.

We eventually exchanged numbers and we spent some time texting. As time went by I found out he was a pilot with a pretty hectic schedule. He left out on Monday mornings at the ass crack of dawn and he didn’t get back until late Thursday evenings. Between our schedules that left us with very little time to actually meet up and see each other. So I did something I have never done and something I had thought I would never do, our first “date” was a Skype date. When he suggested that we skype to see each other for the first time, I was slightly taken aback, but I agreed and we set a Skype date for a couple of days later when we would both be free.

As the idea sank in and I had time to think about the oddity of a Skype date, I actually decided that this was a pretty brilliant way to date. You could get a good sense of what the person looks like outside of a picture and you could talk to them and interact with them all from the comfort of your own home. You could wear pajama pants or no pants and they would never know. And if it so happened to turn out that you didn’t like what you saw it was easy: disconnect, delete, block, and you’re home free. For a short moment I thought “this is how all first dates should be from now on.”

Our first “date” came and went and it was pretty flawless. It went so well that we decided to set aside some time so both of us could meet up in real life. Up to this point, I felt pretty good about this date and this guy. We seemed to have a pretty great connection and it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes. Not to mention he was a pilot and he got free airline tickets. I couldn’t afford to NOT date him.

Our first real life date was finally here and just as our skype date went, this too was flawless. We had dinner and walked around and talked and laughed and everything seemed to be going great. He was quite the gentleman. Compared to most of my past dates it doesn’t take much to hit that mark, he could apologize after nearly shitting his pants and I would consider that a gentlemanly gesture. He was better than that though, he paid for dinner AND he held doors open for me, quite the show off. He talked a lot about his job and at times it almost seemed like he was gloating. This only bothered me because let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a glorified truck driver. He seemed to be a little cocky, but I tried to look at it as a true love for his career.

However, the date proceeded without any issues and all in all I thought it was pretty wonderful. It wasn’t just me who thought the date went well because before the night had ended and we kissed each other good bye he asked if he could see me again. Of course there was no hesitation when I agreed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect everything had gone and for a brief second I had a momentary lapse of judgment and I let my mind wander to a place I never let it wander and I thought “what if he’s the one?”

He had sent an immediate text message to me telling me what a wonderful time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. For a brief moment it felt like everything was exactly how it should be.

We continued our Skype dates and texted each other often. We finally decided on a day when we could see each other again. He thought we’d keep it low key and romantic and so he decided that he’d cook dinner for me and I would come to his place, it all sounded so perfect.

It was finally time for date number two and once again I was all dolled up. He had texted me his address a few hours earlier with strict instructions to be at his apartment no later than 6p.m. So I obeyed his instructions and I was pulling in to his apartment complex at that exact time. I wasn’t sure which apartment he was so I texted him to let him know I was there. A few minutes had passed and I hadn’t heard back. Thinking maybe he was busy putting on last minute touches and didn’t have his phone on hand I decided to call. No answer. Not allowing myself to think the worst I decided I’d give him a few more minutes. He’d text me back, right?

After an hour of sitting in my car and no response I finally came to terms with the fact that, for the first time in my whole life, I had just been stood up by this stupid pilot, part of me was hoping he was dead and the other part of me was hoping he was on fire. Those would be the only two acceptable reasons as to why he wasn’t making an appearance.
Of course I went through the last week over and over again in my head. Wondering where I went wrong and why this would have happened, but by the end I came to the conclusion that it really wasn’t me and he was just an asshole.

A few days went by and he didn’t contact me and I didn’t contact him. It turned out to be just another one of my failed attempts at love.

Then the strangest thing happened, about a week later he sent me a text and asked me to get on Skype to which I replied “Okay” and then I never got on, it was my sad endeavor at revenge.

A few days later I got on Skype to speak with someone else and I had all these messages and voicemails from him. As I started to listen to them, all I could think about in my head was “Holy shit, I’m glad I tuck and rolled right out of that crazy train” and “Does the airline he flies for, know that he’s certifiably insane?” I went to read all the messages he had sent me and they were all pictures of him. He sent me at least 1 megabyte worth of dick pics. In a situation where I should have been completely mortified I couldn’t help but cry from laughter. The panic didn’t set in until I remembered that my parents Tablet was hooked-up to my Skype account. I immediately deleted, blocked, and changed my password.

In the end, I was saddened by the fact that I would have to buy my own plane tickets, scared that my mom saw a penis that didn’t belong to her husband, and glad I escaped the disaster that was the horny pilot.

A Terrible Promise

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I was getting my daily dose of Pinterest the other day and after I had pinned all the helpful tips that will one day make me a good mother, wife, baker, and cook, I decided I would parooz the wedding section. No, I’m not getting married anytime soon, but I’d like to think I’m one day closer than I was yesterday, although, the chances of that are about as unlikely as me moving out of my parents’ house before I’m 30. As I was searching for the perfect dress and ring I stumbled across something truly appalling: The promise ring.

My first thought was “Wait a hold it, do people still get promise rings?” as I pondered this ridiculous question I then had to further ask myself “Do adults give/receive promise rings?” I was then immediately transported back to my high school sweetheart.

I was 15 years old and I was about to enter my sophomore year of high school. I was at that awkward bratty teenage stage where I thought I was on top of the world and everyone owed me everything. I also thought I had the world dangling by my fingertips. So, it was no surprise that from the moment I first set eyes on the older boy at the X-Men III movie, I knew he was going to be mine.

I completed the mission I had set out to conquer; I did in fact make him mine. I just knew he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Just like I knew I would be a famous broadcaster and just like I knew my parents were out to ruin my life.

We dated all through high school and it was anything and everything, but glamorous. There was the dramatic break-up after break-up and of course every girl in high school wanted what I had, him. Or at least that’s what I had thought.

I can vividly remember the moment I made such a big deal about not having a promise ring. I was practically the only one out of my friends who didn’t have a ring on their finger to show they were in a “committed” relationship. It was such a petty thing to do and looking back on it I can’t help but laugh, but it worked. He finally got me a Promise ring and he gave it to me on Valentine’s Day, oh the originality. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen and it was by far bigger than any of my friends, which obviously was all that mattered. I had never been more in love than I was with that beautiful diamond.

Two weeks later we broke up.

So this brings me to the main topic of conversation, the promise ring and its stupidity.

It’s a terrible promise. At best a promise ring is a commitment to a commitment. It says “I’m not really sure I want to marry you and commit to you forever, but I think, maybe one day. So here, wear this ring and show the world my halfhearted vow that one day I might actually make a real commitment.” Chances are he’s not giving you a promise ring to show you how much he cares, he’s giving it to you to get you, your mom, your sister, and your closest girl friends to stop asking him why you aren’t engaged yet.

It’s a waste of money. I don’t know the going rate for a promise ring these days but if I had to guess I would say somewhere between a K-Mart Ring to the discounted section at Halzberg. I’m thinking of a price range between $99 and $600. How about you just save your money and put it towards the actual engagement ring you might buy me one day or you could literally buy me anything else, just not a promise ring. All I’m saying is there is a pair of Christian Louboutin heels that I’ve been lusting after and I would much rather have those than a stupid promise ring.

There are a million ways to show your commitment. As stated previously a promise ring is a terrible promise. In no way shape or form does a promise ring really provide a promise. Just like when I was 18, it easy to end the relationship. An engagement ring is given with the intent of an upcoming wedding. A promise ring is given to stall the giving of an actual engagement ring. To me it doesn’t really show commitment as much as it shows fear of making the final, actual, commitment. If you want to show you’re a committed boyfriend there are a million ways to do it and in my opinion a promise ring should NOT be one of them.

It’s childish. When you’re in high school, it’s fine. Now that we’re all adults though let’s just be upfront with what we want. You either want marriage eventually and you will make the commitment in a few years or you don’t. None of this Promise ring, maybe one day bullshit. You either do or don’t. End of story.

In the end a promise ring is a personal preference. Just know if you’re over the age of 23 and you’re boyfriend gives you a promise ring and you feel the need to show me, I will laugh in your face.

For my future love interest, or Phil if you will, if you EVER buy me a promise ring there’s probably a good chance that that will be the end of the road for our relationship. Now, if you buy me the Louboutin’s we can probably talk about a future.

Men v. Woman

Standard

Men will never understand woman and woman will never understand men. Actually strike that second part. Any woman with a somewhat functional brain can understand the simplicity of a man; beer, football, sex, food, beer, and more sex. It’s basic 2nd grade science. The biggest mystery in life, besides corn poop, is the female brain. What do we want? What don’t we want? How do you make us happy? How do you not piss us off? The fact of the matter is, we don’t even know the answer to these questions. We might say we want to be surprised with flowers, but once we get them we’re automatically assuming you slept with your secretary. Look, I don’t like it either, but it’s not our fault we’re complicated fucked up creatures. Trust us, we don’t like the way our brain works either and if we could only be as simple as a man we total would.

Why can’t we be like men? It’s simple actually, we just think too much. Every question we’re asked is riddled with a mini Who Wants To Be A Millionaire type questionnaire that we have to complete prior to giving our final answer and even when we give our final answer we’re never really 100% confident with the decision we just made.

For example: when asked “Do you want a beer?” A simple “yes” or “no” would suffice, but instead we start counting our calories for the day and then we have to decide if we want to get drunk, tipsy, buzzed, or just be a one beer sally. Then from that point we have to decide on whether we want the delicious 96 calories of Miller Lite© or do we want to drink classy and have a Stella Artois. OH THE HUMANITY WOMAN, WILL YOU JUST MAKE A DECISION. That’s usually how most of my conversations end.

First and foremost it’s important that every man understands this is just who we are. You either accept it or you accept it. Those are really your only two options!

Due to the fact that dating has become extremely exhausting lately I’ve decided to take a short break. I can only talk about how many siblings I have so many times. Not to mention I’ve told so many people my favorite color is blue, that I’m starting to sincerely hate the color blue. I’m thinking maybe purple from now on.

Anyway, because woman are so frustrating and difficult I’ve decided to get some input from real life actual men who have decided to offer up some of their biggest pet peeves about woman. To make it fair though, I have read the pet peeves to some ladies and asked for their feedback. This was probably the most fun I have ever had doing a blog post.

The Guessing Game

Guy: The “Guessing Game” or at least that’s what my brother sees it as. He also offered up this piece of information: “The Guessing Game – When a woman makes guys guess what they’re mad about. That’s like playing a real life version of Jumanji , you open that box and the guy gets run over by a metaphorical heard of thundering elephants. Maybe it’s more like Battleship, the guy can guess all he wants but it’s easier if your opponent just gives you the coordinates to their battleship.”

All responses I received from the ladies were along this same line, but this was by far my favorite.

Girl: “Are you trying to tell me you’re NOT Sherlock Holmes? Well no Shit! Look I’m not usually asking for much, but 3 months ago when I asked you to stop living like an animal and pick up your shit, that wasn’t a suggestion and it also didn’t mean just for that day. I want you to be just a little more considerate and put you’re skid marked underwear in the clothes hamper, and yes I mean ALL THE TIME.”

We expect too much

Guy: “I really just don’t understand. She wants me to help with the laundry, but every time I help I do something wrong. So the way I see it, I either help and get yelled at or I stay on the couch watching football and get yelled at. Either way I lose. So I have to pick my poison and it just so happens I like football.”

Girl: “I guess I don’t understand what’s so hard about FOLDING a damn shirt. The whole rolling clothes into a ball thing, despite what you might think, is actually not folding. It’s just down right lazy. A two year old could fold clothes better than that. It’s really not a hard concept. They even have instructional YouTube videos on folding clothes, there is no reason my shirts should have 85 different crease marks.”

Our shopping addiction

Guy: “I hate that girls insist on buying so many new clothes when there’s so much shit in your closet that you can’t possibly have ever worn.”

I played devil’s advocate on this one and followed up with “Oh come one now. We only buy new clothes for all you guys!”

His Response was priceless. “Bullshit…you buy clothes for yourself and to make other girls jealous 100% more than to actually impress guys. To impress guys a short summer dress, and a skirt and tank top would be the only clothes needed…and yoga pants.”

Girl: Yes, I like to shop. It’s no secret and it never has been, but me going out and spending $100 one Saturday every 2 months is apparently a huge deal. Meanwhile he gets to play golf every week at $60 a pop, but of course every time I bring that up; it’s suddenly not the same thing. Please, not the same thing my ass.”

We have loud friends

Guy: “Her friends are always yelling and they’re so loud. It’s not that I hate them, but you know. She has a couple of friends that I genuinely like. Other than that I’ve suggested moving just so I don’t have to see her friends anymore. Sometimes it’s nice to not hear their voices.”

Girl: “Well your friends suck ass too. At least mine smell nice and look pretty. You walk in the house when you’re here with all your guys and it smells like you all just shit in dirty socks and stuck them in the corner. It’s disgusting and it’s called a candle.”

At no shock to anyone out there, the most common response that I got from men though was that the one thing they hated more than anything was a woman’s inability to make up her mind. If I look at it objectively I can see how it’s probably annoying, because it annoys me too. Every time a guy asks what I want and I respond with “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” I cringe a little on the inside. Mainly because I know exactly what I want, but I never want to come off as demanding and I definitely don’t want to emasculate a man by taking control of the whole entire relationship from the get-go. I have one theory on why we are like this: I think deep down all woman are just being considerate because if things ever progress further than 3 months we immediately grab the reigns and your decision making days are, well, more or less over.