“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
-David Wong, John Dies at the End
What do you get when you’ve met a guy from an online dating website, you’ve been dating for a month, and he asks you to co-sign a loan for him? Yes, a disaster.
So yeah, this happened. I was dating this sleazy dirt bag who was 30 years old and actually asked me to co-sign on a loan for him to purchase a vehicle.
It was March of 2014 and I was down in Nashville Tennessee with a bunch of girls celebrating one of my closest friend’s upcoming nuptials; it was a bachelorette party, if you will! One morning we were all cooking breakfast, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and rehashing events from the night before. Not even an hour had passed and when I went to go get my phone I had 20 MISSED CALLS from the man I was dating, or a/k/a the Devil.
I finally called Lucifer back and you will not believe the question that came out of his mouth. He had actually asked me if I would be willing to co-sign for a loan for him for the purchase of a new vehicle! Of course my immediate reactions were “Hell NO!” “Absolutely not!” and “are you kidding me?” He was 30 years old and he couldn’t even afford to get a car on his own. This hands down without a doubt should have been the moment that I realized “I need to get out NOW!”
I got back to Indiana and I decided I would feel the relationship out for a little while longer. After all, maybe he was just hard pressed and out of a desperate attempt to get a new car he had a lack of judgment and asked me. This happens all the time, right?
A few weeks went by and I never heard another thing about him wanting me to sign for this vehicle. I thought I was free and clear and we would be able to progress forward with our relationship, which for the most part was a disaster in itself.
A few days later I get a really vague text from my boyfriend that was just an address and said “please meet me here after work.” I thought maybe something was wrong, so after the work day was complete I headed out.
As I merged off the interstate and my GPS was pointing me closer and closer to final destination, in the distance I saw a car dealership. In an attempt to rationalize with myself I figured he had just purchased a vehicle and he needed my help getting something back to his house. That’s what it had to be, there was no other explanation.
As I got out of my car and he approached me he said “I want you to look at the Jeep I’m about to buy.” Immediately I felt relief wash over my body. He was just showing me the vehicle that HE purchased. Shew, I wiped some sweat off my brow on that one.
We looked at his Jeep and took a test drive and I assured him that the vehicle was flawless and that I thought he should get it.
Between the sales guy and my boyfriend, by the time it was all said and done I ended up walking out of there as the co-signer of a “temporary” 90-day loan. I was under the impression that in 90 days my name would be dropped from the loan and I would no longer be financially responsible.
Now, before you go assuming I’m a huge idiot, let me be clear, I absolutely am. These two swindled me into making a deal that didn’t even exist. There is no such thing as a temporary 90 day loan; I should have been smart enough to know that, but I let their sweet talking ways win me over. I literally made a deal with the devil himself.
As time passed our relationship slowly deteriorated until all that was left was the connection of the Jeep. This was mostly due to the fact that he slept with his ex and got her pregnant while we were still together, but that’s neither here nor there. Once 90-days had passed I thought I was free and clear of the loan. I was thinking they would mail me some papers to sign and I would be on my way to freedom. Again, I realize how big of an idiot I sound like, but let me proceed.
I called the loan company to see what the next steps would be and what do you know, they tell me that I’m the sole borrower and the loan is completely in my name. They also proceed to tell me that the loan is 75 days past due. Immediately my heart drops right out of my ass. How could this have happened? How could I have been so blind? For Christ sake I work in the legal field and we deal with loans all the time. HOW DID I MISS THIS?
I went about in a frantic state for what seemed like forever until I gained my composure and started obnoxiously calling my ex. He had promised me he was going to apply for a loan and we would refinance this into his name. We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks when suddenly he fell off the face of the planet. His phone was dead, his house was empty, and the Jeep (that was mine) was nowhere to be found. There was only one logical answer; he had taken his rightful place as King of the underworld.
I immediately called the finance company and told them the Jeep was missing. I told them that I was not paying on the loan and that their only recourse would be to find the Jeep and have it repossessed. As my dad said, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.” He was basically stating the fact that I was poor and couldn’t pay for the disaster that I had gotten myself in to.
My next step was to call the Police and report the vehicle as stolen and just hope and pray that this would all be figured out soon.
A few weeks went by and I heard absolutely nothing, from anybody. My nerves were on their last string and I’m pretty sure I lost a baseball sized clump of hair from all of the stress. My life was slowly spiraling out of control.
I finally took matters into my own hands and I started doing some digging and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this charming ex-boyfriend of mine had been arrested for theft, not vehicle theft, but gas theft. He was put in jail on a $6,000 bond. After some further research I found out that he posted bond and was immediately arrested for a warrant he had out for his arrest and he was held for another jurisdiction. So what jurisdiction was he being held for? Oh, I’m all too happy to answer that question, he was being held for the U.S. Military.
Apparently he went AWOL from the U.S. Army 8 years ago and after evaluation he was charged with desertion and he is now being held in a military facility in Colorado. As to the specificity of his case, I don’t know, but I do know that it was pretty serious. It was also seriously awesome, at least to me.
This is probably my biggest regret to date, but I can’t say I didn’t learn a good lesson. I actually learned a couple of things from this relationship:
1. Never get financially involved with anyone who isn’t your husband, and even then question it;
2. Karma is real, and I came out on the winning end;
3. At the first sign of crazy save yourself the trouble and get out; and
4. I obviously have a pretty keen ability for picking winners.