For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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There’s No Second Date, Is There?

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I actually haven’t been the most flawless dater known to mankind.

I know. Shocking!

I have this bad habit of talking before I’ve completely finished chewing my food. It’s not like I’m being a disgusting animal that’s talking with a whole bite in my mouth, it’s just sometimes I get so excited to tell a story I’ll start before I’m able to get my food all the way down. 9 times out of 10 it’s not even noticeable, it just looks like I’m making a hard and fast swallow. I’d hardly call it un-lady like, but I’m sure Queen Elizabeth would not approve.

So that brings me to a date I was on a while back. My date and I were talking and making jokes and everything seemed to be going really well. At one point he had made a particularly funny comment that had caught me a little off guard. I tried to choke back my food before laughing, but I couldn’t get it down quick enough and there it was, food spewing right out of my mouth. It definitely wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever done and as shocking as this may be, not only was that our first date, but it also happened to be our last.

Regrettably, this has happened more times then I’d like to admit, but every other guy has been able to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. One time it was even Sushi, which is pretty disgusting, and that didn’t seem to ruin the date. Any guy that can’t get over a little food spit because I’m laughing at his joke, I have one thing to say to that: I don’t need that kind of judgmental negativity in my life.

Then there was the time I left a guy on the curb waiting for a cab.

It was a long night and we all know how alcohol can cloud anybody’s judgment. So the next morning when I woke up with a pounding headache and a mouth dryer than the Mohave Desert I knew there was only one cure: water, Advil, greasy breakfast food, more water, and a Bloody Mary. I’m not sure who taught me this, probably my eldest brother (he’s like the Yoda of drinking), but it’s a basic cure to any hangover. You can thank me later.

Anyway, the only problem was my friends wanted to go to breakfast and this guy needed to get back to his friends. You see, I was in the quite the predicament. After some thought though, I realized the only thing that made sense was to have him call a cab and wait out by the curb while I went to breakfast. I probably should have offered to take him back to his friends, as that would have been the lady-like and kind thing to do, but we were both equally uninterested in each other so I’m sure he really didn’t mind.

Then of course, there was the time I called the guy the wrong name on our first date. It was an honest mistake. I’d been on two dates with two different guys in the same day. I just overbooked myself and keeping their names straight was harder than doing the ABC’s backwards while intoxicated. Fortunately though, my little slip up happened while he was dropping me off at the end of the date. It’s safe to say I never heard from him again. Not even a “thanks for a great time” text afterward.

In the past, I’ve done some serious ranting about how much I hate when guys lead girls on, but I too am guilty of this one. Remember the cat guy? Yeah, I knew from the start I didn’t really like him, but I felt out the situation because I was broke and hungry. The older I get the worse I feel about this one, he really was a nice guy. He just had shady cats and red hair, which made him the perfect candidate for not me. I’m pretty positive Karma has already come back and bit me on the ass for this one though, so all is well that ends well.

Then of course, there’s the infamous act of going back to an ex. EVERYBODY is guilty of this one and I’ll be the first one to say it’s a serious dating faux paus. We always say been there done that, but for some reason we can’t resist the charm of our high school sweetheart at our hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving. Why? What’s up with that? We usually run into them once or twice after high school. Unfortunately mine was twice and both times I was grasping at strings that weren’t there. In my defense we were both at really weird times in our lives.

The lesson here is, it never ends well so just don’t do it. Don’t go back. Keep running towards the light. Don’t ruin your forward progress. Remember “Been there, done that” say it with me now BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

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And finally, there have been times that I have gone out with guys and known from the get-go that it’s not going to end well and that, despite how good of a date they think it is, there will not be a second date. I use to (key word being USE to) take full advantage of these dates. I’d order 3 too many beers and instead of being a lady and getting a salad I’d get an appetizer and a huge entrée. I knew that they were paying so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of leftovers for lunch and dinner for the next day. Those are not my finer moments nor were they my skinniest moments either.

I’m still going to stand by the fact that 99.9% of the guys that I had brief encounters with were total douche nozzles, BUT I can’t act like I’ve been perfect. I’ve had my fair share of questionable moments. The good news is, I’ve learned something from them all and it’s lead me to where I am today.

So don’t be afraid to make mistakes while dating. That’s what makes it so fun. Don’t try to be so polished. It’s the messy, ridiculous, completely off plan dates that usually end up being the forever thing!

“May the Odds be Ever in your Favor”

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The first full week of January has passed and I’m sure everyone is still excited about their “New Year, New Me” slogan. Why don’t all of you come back and see me in March. Call me cynical if you must, but I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions were total busts for me. Oh wait, yeah I can…ALL OF THEM!

Resolutions fill my social media news feed and it’s almost unbearable. Out of pure curiosity, I went about asking random people what their resolutions were for 2015 knowing full and well I’d receive the same answers over and over again. I got a few humorous off the wall ones like “Stop calling my boss a bitch under my breath so much,” “Continue to not get my girlfriend pregnant,” and “Not be single for next Christmas, even if that means renting a date.”

I laughed at the first one thanking God that I have pretty outstanding bosses, the second one I applauded, and the third one I sympathized with. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent fantasizing some sort of Debra Messing and Durmot Mulroney Hollywood love story (See “The Wedding Date.”)

I could go through the standard “It’ll happen when it happens” or “You can’t make somebody fall in love with you” speech, but nobody wants to hear that. I know I never did. So instead I thought I’d share some of the biggest dating faux pas I encountered during my long stint of dating.

For all you hopeless romantics out there let me walk you through a few steps that could be helpful in landing yourself a lover for the 2015 Holiday Season and someone to ring in 2016 with.

Speak the Truth

Don’t exaggerate too much. We all know a story isn’t any good without a little embellishment on the details, but don’t tell me about your close near death encounter with a hammer head shark when in reality you were just at the “pet a shark” section at the zoo.

Texting Etiquette

Men: It’s not hard to pick up your phone sometime after the first date and send us a text. If you’re not interested there are no hard feelings, but if we send you a text you should be doing one of two things:

  1. Text us back and let us know so we don’t waste our time; or
  2. DON’T TEXT US AT ALL. IGNORE US. If you’re not man enough to tell us that you’re not interested then just don’t text back. Don’t play mind games. If you’re going to fan the flames then you absolutely deserve that crazy that is eventually coming your way.

Ladies: One text is plenty. If he doesn’t respond within 12 hours he’s not interested. Delete his number and MOVE ON. There is nothing more unattractive then a girl that becomes a stage 5 clinger after one date. I know you liked him, but he clearly didn’t like you. Sorry. Also, when I say delete his number, seriously, delete it. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT DRUNK TEXT HIM. EVER.

TMI

I probably can’t say this enough, but don’t give away too much information on the first date. Nobody wants to know about the weird lump you had when you were 16 and that’s why you had to have a colonoscopy at such a young age.

Alcohol

Let’s be real for a minute, the best two things about going on a date is the food and the alcohol. For girls especially because normally it’s going to be free. There is an extremely fine line between just the right amount and too much. Just one drink can send you over the top. Nothing says “I’m a real catch” like vomiting on your date’s suede shoes while crying and repeatedly slurring “I’m so sorry.”

Conversation Topics and Manners

Let’s touch on all the conversation topics you SHOULDN’T talk about:

  • Your ex and along the same lines don’t ask about their ex
  • How drunk you and your friends get and the stupid stuff you do
  • All the people you’ve slept with
  • Oh and did I mention not to talk about your ex?

Now, let’s move on to conversation manners:

  • Look your date in the eye when you’re talking to them. I don’t care how uninteresting they are or if they have a whole salad stuck in their teeth, don’t be rude.
  • When they ask you a question answer and reciprocate the question back to them. Don’t spend the whole night letting the other person field all the questions. As much as you think it might be, it’s really not all about you.

The Check

Call me old school, but the man should pay unless other arrangements were made prior to the meal. If, as a man, YOU ask the girl out and you do not pay, you’re pathetic.

“You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the check. That’s all I’m asking for is a reach. Is that too much to ask for?” So ladies if you feel like it give it a reach, but this can and will backfire.

Good luck to finding your soulmate in 2015 you’ve got 11 months to make it happen.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

A Deal Made With The Devil

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“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
-David Wong, John Dies at the End

What do you get when you’ve met a guy from an online dating website, you’ve been dating for a month, and he asks you to co-sign a loan for him? Yes, a disaster.

So yeah, this happened. I was dating this sleazy dirt bag who was 30 years old and actually asked me to co-sign on a loan for him to purchase a vehicle.

It was March of 2014 and I was down in Nashville Tennessee with a bunch of girls celebrating one of my closest friend’s upcoming nuptials; it was a bachelorette party, if you will! One morning we were all cooking breakfast, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and rehashing events from the night before. Not even an hour had passed and when I went to go get my phone I had 20 MISSED CALLS from the man I was dating, or a/k/a the Devil.

I finally called Lucifer back and you will not believe the question that came out of his mouth. He had actually asked me if I would be willing to co-sign for a loan for him for the purchase of a new vehicle! Of course my immediate reactions were “Hell NO!” “Absolutely not!” and “are you kidding me?” He was 30 years old and he couldn’t even afford to get a car on his own. This hands down without a doubt should have been the moment that I realized “I need to get out NOW!”

I got back to Indiana and I decided I would feel the relationship out for a little while longer. After all, maybe he was just hard pressed and out of a desperate attempt to get a new car he had a lack of judgment and asked me. This happens all the time, right?

A few weeks went by and I never heard another thing about him wanting me to sign for this vehicle. I thought I was free and clear and we would be able to progress forward with our relationship, which for the most part was a disaster in itself.

A few days later I get a really vague text from my boyfriend that was just an address and said “please meet me here after work.” I thought maybe something was wrong, so after the work day was complete I headed out.

As I merged off the interstate and my GPS was pointing me closer and closer to final destination, in the distance I saw a car dealership. In an attempt to rationalize with myself I figured he had just purchased a vehicle and he needed my help getting something back to his house. That’s what it had to be, there was no other explanation.

As I got out of my car and he approached me he said “I want you to look at the Jeep I’m about to buy.” Immediately I felt relief wash over my body. He was just showing me the vehicle that HE purchased. Shew, I wiped some sweat off my brow on that one.

We looked at his Jeep and took a test drive and I assured him that the vehicle was flawless and that I thought he should get it.

Between the sales guy and my boyfriend, by the time it was all said and done I ended up walking out of there as the co-signer of a “temporary” 90-day loan. I was under the impression that in 90 days my name would be dropped from the loan and I would no longer be financially responsible.

Now, before you go assuming I’m a huge idiot, let me be clear, I absolutely am. These two swindled me into making a deal that didn’t even exist. There is no such thing as a temporary 90 day loan; I should have been smart enough to know that, but I let their sweet talking ways win me over. I literally made a deal with the devil himself.

As time passed our relationship slowly deteriorated until all that was left was the connection of the Jeep. This was mostly due to the fact that he slept with his ex and got her pregnant while we were still together, but that’s neither here nor there. Once 90-days had passed I thought I was free and clear of the loan. I was thinking they would mail me some papers to sign and I would be on my way to freedom. Again, I realize how big of an idiot I sound like, but let me proceed.

I called the loan company to see what the next steps would be and what do you know, they tell me that I’m the sole borrower and the loan is completely in my name. They also proceed to tell me that the loan is 75 days past due. Immediately my heart drops right out of my ass. How could this have happened? How could I have been so blind? For Christ sake I work in the legal field and we deal with loans all the time. HOW DID I MISS THIS?

I went about in a frantic state for what seemed like forever until I gained my composure and started obnoxiously calling my ex. He had promised me he was going to apply for a loan and we would refinance this into his name. We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks when suddenly he fell off the face of the planet. His phone was dead, his house was empty, and the Jeep (that was mine) was nowhere to be found. There was only one logical answer; he had taken his rightful place as King of the underworld.

I immediately called the finance company and told them the Jeep was missing. I told them that I was not paying on the loan and that their only recourse would be to find the Jeep and have it repossessed. As my dad said, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.” He was basically stating the fact that I was poor and couldn’t pay for the disaster that I had gotten myself in to.

My next step was to call the Police and report the vehicle as stolen and just hope and pray that this would all be figured out soon.

A few weeks went by and I heard absolutely nothing, from anybody. My nerves were on their last string and I’m pretty sure I lost a baseball sized clump of hair from all of the stress. My life was slowly spiraling out of control.

I finally took matters into my own hands and I started doing some digging and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this charming ex-boyfriend of mine had been arrested for theft, not vehicle theft, but gas theft. He was put in jail on a $6,000 bond. After some further research I found out that he posted bond and was immediately arrested for a warrant he had out for his arrest and he was held for another jurisdiction. So what jurisdiction was he being held for? Oh, I’m all too happy to answer that question, he was being held for the U.S. Military.

Apparently he went AWOL from the U.S. Army 8 years ago and after evaluation he was charged with desertion and he is now being held in a military facility in Colorado. As to the specificity of his case, I don’t know, but I do know that it was pretty serious. It was also seriously awesome, at least to me.

This is probably my biggest regret to date, but I can’t say I didn’t learn a good lesson. I actually learned a couple of things from this relationship:

1. Never get financially involved with anyone who isn’t your husband, and even then question it;
2. Karma is real, and I came out on the winning end;
3. At the first sign of crazy save yourself the trouble and get out; and
4. I obviously have a pretty keen ability for picking winners.

Stop. Just Stop.

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I’m often asking myself questions like “how in tarnation did I end up in the same place as this guy?” and “Where did I go wrong?” and when things get particularly depressing “What did I do to deserve this?” Yes, online dating is a completely different world. The people you come across are unlike most and it’s frightening to see that you’ve ended up in the same place as them.

We can call it a skill if we’d like, but I’ve become quite the online dating profile expert. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that 90% of dating profiles are extremely generic and read exactly the same. Suddenly everyone thinks they’re athletic, outdoorsy, and adventurous.

I’ve become quite the expert at breaking down the bullshit. I’ve had to learn the hard way that what a guy says in his bio is, for the most part, the biggest lie ever.

“I’m laid back”
-I’m bat shit crazy. They’re the ones that only stop texting and calling after they’ve left 50 messages. They’re overly jealous and territorial, but they’ll never put that in their profile. That’s a little surprise they show you after 3 months of dating, so beware.

“I have a great career”
-Don’t get your hopes up because they probably don’t. Everybody on a dating website has some sort of great career where they’re making six figures. I find the more ambiguous they are with their description the worst their career is.

I’m in finance – “I work the cash registered at the local McDonalds.”

I’m in healthcare – “I just signed up for Obamacare and I worked the application flawlessly.”

I’m a manager – “I’m broke.” Everyone is some sort of manager and if they aren’t a manager they’re an entrepreneur.

My favorite of all time is when people put “I get a check.” Well that’s a start. We have no idea if it’s from an actual job, selling drugs, or if it’s received on the 1st and 15th of each month when welfare checks get distributed, but hey, at least they get a check.

“I love going to the gym”
-Cue the shirtless picture of undefined abs. A dating website is the last place a shirtless picture should ever be posted. It screams one thing “I’m a douche.” Even if you’ve got rocking abs, you’re still a douche. Oh, and if any dating profile ever uses the words “gym rat” run.

“I love to travel”
-Don’t we all? Realistically speaking though the majority of people have this thing called a job that only allows us to have 14 vacation days a year (if we’re lucky.) We also aren’t making millions of dollars so we don’t get to spend those days gallivanting across Europe, but you’re a manager so I’m sure that’s not the case for you.

I’ve managed to learn how to effectively comb through dating profiles. It’s not a skill I’m particularly proud of, but we all have our fortes and due to the hand I’ve been dealt this is unfortunately mine. For example, I once looked a guys profile that read like this: “I don’t boink on the first date.” That was all I needed to see to know that I would NOT be messaging him back. Not because I do the dirty on the first date, but because nobody “boinks” on the first date, in fact nobody “boinks” ever. You reap what you sow, he decided to use that god awful word and I decided to block him.

None of this compares to the ridiculous messages you receive on a dating websites though. So I’ve decided that I’d share few you all.

The guy that won’t stop
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You pretty much lost all interest the moment you used BTW. Also, no need to explain what dating is. This is a “dating” website. Not a mail order bride website. I don’t expect a relationship after one message.

The Sugar Daddy
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I guess my headline should say “I don’t have daddy issues.” Besides 30 minutes? I have a feeling he’s giving himself a little too much credit.

The Apple App
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As far as my go-to drink? It’s a toss up between a vodka tonic with a lime and any drink I’m not having with you.

English, Please
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I can’t reply because I’m not fluent in ghetto, or whatever language that is you’re using.

Just Stop
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Yes, my hair is phenomenal, but just because you add the word “really” to your third message doesn’t mean I’ve magically changed my mind and you’re going to get a response back. Just Stop.

The Go Getter
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In love? Let’s runaway and get married? Yeah, let’s not do that. There are a million ways to show girls your not afraid of commitment and this shouldn’t be your go-to.

Ru?
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Whose Ru and why do I care that they’re single?

Long story short, let’s just say the online dating thing isn’t working out too well for me.

As for me and my profile, I like to think it’s quite original. My headline reads as follows: “Must be gainfully employed with a credit score of 720, all others need not apply”