For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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There’s No Second Date, Is There?

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I actually haven’t been the most flawless dater known to mankind.

I know. Shocking!

I have this bad habit of talking before I’ve completely finished chewing my food. It’s not like I’m being a disgusting animal that’s talking with a whole bite in my mouth, it’s just sometimes I get so excited to tell a story I’ll start before I’m able to get my food all the way down. 9 times out of 10 it’s not even noticeable, it just looks like I’m making a hard and fast swallow. I’d hardly call it un-lady like, but I’m sure Queen Elizabeth would not approve.

So that brings me to a date I was on a while back. My date and I were talking and making jokes and everything seemed to be going really well. At one point he had made a particularly funny comment that had caught me a little off guard. I tried to choke back my food before laughing, but I couldn’t get it down quick enough and there it was, food spewing right out of my mouth. It definitely wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever done and as shocking as this may be, not only was that our first date, but it also happened to be our last.

Regrettably, this has happened more times then I’d like to admit, but every other guy has been able to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. One time it was even Sushi, which is pretty disgusting, and that didn’t seem to ruin the date. Any guy that can’t get over a little food spit because I’m laughing at his joke, I have one thing to say to that: I don’t need that kind of judgmental negativity in my life.

Then there was the time I left a guy on the curb waiting for a cab.

It was a long night and we all know how alcohol can cloud anybody’s judgment. So the next morning when I woke up with a pounding headache and a mouth dryer than the Mohave Desert I knew there was only one cure: water, Advil, greasy breakfast food, more water, and a Bloody Mary. I’m not sure who taught me this, probably my eldest brother (he’s like the Yoda of drinking), but it’s a basic cure to any hangover. You can thank me later.

Anyway, the only problem was my friends wanted to go to breakfast and this guy needed to get back to his friends. You see, I was in the quite the predicament. After some thought though, I realized the only thing that made sense was to have him call a cab and wait out by the curb while I went to breakfast. I probably should have offered to take him back to his friends, as that would have been the lady-like and kind thing to do, but we were both equally uninterested in each other so I’m sure he really didn’t mind.

Then of course, there was the time I called the guy the wrong name on our first date. It was an honest mistake. I’d been on two dates with two different guys in the same day. I just overbooked myself and keeping their names straight was harder than doing the ABC’s backwards while intoxicated. Fortunately though, my little slip up happened while he was dropping me off at the end of the date. It’s safe to say I never heard from him again. Not even a “thanks for a great time” text afterward.

In the past, I’ve done some serious ranting about how much I hate when guys lead girls on, but I too am guilty of this one. Remember the cat guy? Yeah, I knew from the start I didn’t really like him, but I felt out the situation because I was broke and hungry. The older I get the worse I feel about this one, he really was a nice guy. He just had shady cats and red hair, which made him the perfect candidate for not me. I’m pretty positive Karma has already come back and bit me on the ass for this one though, so all is well that ends well.

Then of course, there’s the infamous act of going back to an ex. EVERYBODY is guilty of this one and I’ll be the first one to say it’s a serious dating faux paus. We always say been there done that, but for some reason we can’t resist the charm of our high school sweetheart at our hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving. Why? What’s up with that? We usually run into them once or twice after high school. Unfortunately mine was twice and both times I was grasping at strings that weren’t there. In my defense we were both at really weird times in our lives.

The lesson here is, it never ends well so just don’t do it. Don’t go back. Keep running towards the light. Don’t ruin your forward progress. Remember “Been there, done that” say it with me now BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

#27 eating

And finally, there have been times that I have gone out with guys and known from the get-go that it’s not going to end well and that, despite how good of a date they think it is, there will not be a second date. I use to (key word being USE to) take full advantage of these dates. I’d order 3 too many beers and instead of being a lady and getting a salad I’d get an appetizer and a huge entrée. I knew that they were paying so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of leftovers for lunch and dinner for the next day. Those are not my finer moments nor were they my skinniest moments either.

I’m still going to stand by the fact that 99.9% of the guys that I had brief encounters with were total douche nozzles, BUT I can’t act like I’ve been perfect. I’ve had my fair share of questionable moments. The good news is, I’ve learned something from them all and it’s lead me to where I am today.

So don’t be afraid to make mistakes while dating. That’s what makes it so fun. Don’t try to be so polished. It’s the messy, ridiculous, completely off plan dates that usually end up being the forever thing!

Tinder Is The New Craigslist

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Despite our best efforts, the first date with anyone can usually be pretty horrendous. The key is keeping an open mind. 99.9% of the dates I speak of are first dates and they are usually pretty horrible, but about 75% of the first dates weren’t total deal breakers. There is nothing better than an absolutely hilarious story to tell on your wedding day about the first time you met. For instance my sister and her husband have a pretty hilarious first date story. I’ll tell you that at a later date, but let’s just say they went to the mall food court. Sometimes a bad first date is the perfect way to start off a great relationship.

I’ll be the first to admit that I hate going on first dates. It doesn’t matter how many times I do it, every time is just as dreadful as the last. First dates can be rather mundane and boring. If you get in the habit of continuously going on first dates the conversation becomes rather, blah. There is really no other way to describe it. I have told far too many people that I’m the youngest of four and before I even finish my sentence I can tell you exactly what they are going to say, “So you’re the baby?” Yes, you dumb shit. The youngest of four does in fact imply that I’m the baby. Good job on putting two and two together.” I don’t mean to get so hostile, but I just get so sick and tired of answering the same questions over and over and over again. I feel like I’m stuck in bad episode of The Flying Nun. Sweet Jesus I don’t know if you’ve ever seen that show, but it is by far one of the worst T.V. shows on Antenna TV. Take my advice on this one, don’t watch it.

We’ve all heard of the fabulous and wonderful Tinder and unfortunately I’ve gone on more first dates with guys from there than I’m comfortable admitting. You never really know what you’re going to get with Tinder and so far it’s been a major disappointment, but I suppose that’s of really no surprise. After all it’s a “dating” app based on superficiality.

Tinder is exactly where I happened to meet this next guy.

First of all I feel that I need to preface this by saying the date was prolonged several days. Not because I was sick or he was sick, but simply because apparently he had “poor time management” those are his exact words, not mine. He had originally said we would go out on a date on a Sunday. He texted me maybe once a few days prior and then Sunday came and Sunday went and I never heard a word. At this point I thought “no hard feelings.” Nothing gained and nothing lost, he just wasn’t interested and that was fine because I myself wasn’t so sure I was interested either.

Sunday had passed and by Monday afternoon I had received a text message from him asking if I’d like to go out on maybe Tuesday. I agreed, because at this point in my life I don’t turn down dates. Not because I need more writing material, I actually don’t need any more of that, but because I would like to get married someday, but I’ve been told I can’t technically marry “Phil.”

I received a few text messages here and there on Tuesday and then he said he would call me when he was ready, he was thinking maybe 8:30ish. 8:30 rolled around and nothing. I waited ever so patiently and 9:45 my phone rings and it’s him. He has the nerve to ask me if I’m still up for it, I respectfully decline and try to save the hostility, after all he has no idea that I have a pretty strict bedtime of 9:30. Not because I’m lame, but because I am gainfully employed and I LOVE sleep. He apologizes and says (I do actually give him credit for his honesty) “I don’t know, I guess I just had bad time management today.”

Normally I would have been somewhere in the “Excuse me? First time we meet and you have bad time management? Get yourself together. I’m not wasting my time.” ball park, but I have realized that hostility gets you nowhere and oddly enough I wasn’t even upset or disappointed. I felt indifferent about it because at this point broken plans were by far the least of the horrible things that have ever happened to me.

If there is one thing I have learned about myself it’s that if a guy is overly interested in me I’m, for all practical purposes, out. I want nothing to do with him and or a relationship with him. If however, a guy has no real interest in me I find myself in a state of admiration. I want him and that’s final. So of course when this guy doesn’t drop his plans for me all of the sudden my interest has been peeked. Challenge accepted.

So, we made plans for a Thursday night and once again it was a late night, but we stuck to them and we both saw them through. When I had asked him where he wanted to go he had said ‘Lava’. Now, don’t worry because the first time I heard it I didn’t know just exactly what it was either. So when I Googled the place I couldn’t help but laugh when I found out it was a Hookah Bar. I don’t know if it was the fact that I hadn’t smoked Hookah since I was 18 or if was the fact that I didn’t know Hookah was even still cool, but I found this to be hilarious.

I showed up at Lava as planned and the date continued as appropriate. I don’t smoke, anything, so I drank a beer and he smoked the hookah. The date progressed as any date would and then it ended and we went our separate ways. The date definitely wasn’t bad, but it definitely wasn’t extraordinary either. It was just another first date and in order to make a solid decision on how I felt about him I would have to see him a few more times.

We continued to go on dates and continued to text and although he seemed to be a great guy, the chemistry was just so-so. It took him somewhere around 3 dates until he finally kissed me, which was strange to me, but I thought he was just being a gentleman so it was kind of sweet.

Every “relationship” (I use quotation marks because it was far from a relationship, but I don’t know how else to describe it) has that one deciding moment. There is always something that happens that makes you say “yep, I like this guy!” or “yep, this isn’t going to work.” In this scenario, for me, it was the latter of the two. I’ll never forget this moment. We went to the Farmers Market together, which in theory is ADORABLE, and we had a pretty good time. He had taken me back to my apartment and when we went to part ways I thought it would be the standard hug, kiss, and goodbye. Once again, I was wrong he hugged me for what seemed like a decade. We just stood there, outside my apartment hugging, and hugging, and still hugging, which was all fine until he said “You’re so little. I like hugging you, it feels nice.” I smiled one of those scared smiles that says “Oh. My. God. Are you going to kill me? Are you Buffalo Bill?” My friend warned me about this. She always said when dating guys from the internet you could be meeting the love of your life or Buffalo Bill.

I really didn’t think he was going to kill me, as previously stated he was a REALLY nice guy, but the strange part wasn’t the hugging. After all the hugging he didn’t even kiss me, he just turned around and said goodbye. It was at this time that I thought, I think we have both lost interest in each other and for the first time in a while I wasn’t wrong.

Some time had passed and we continued to talk off and on, but nothing serious. I was in the midst of the lease on my apartment coming to an end and I was frantically searching for a place to live so I wouldn’t have to move back in with my parents. Much to their demise this was of no success as their basement has now become my humble abode. I tell people its temporary, but I’m currently in the process of painting the walls.

Anyway, I had told him what was going on and he had said something along the lines of: “If we could be friends, it’s possible I might be looking for a roommate if you’d be interested?” I just remember thinking to myself that is quite possibly the worst way EVER to tell someone that you’re not interest. “Hey I don’t really want to date you and I don’t really like you that much. You were basically just filling time, but in an effort to not hurt your feelings and let you down easy, would you like to be friends AND roommates?” Apparently Tinder is the new Craigslist.

A Little Flighty

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Question: What do you get when you give a truck driver a degree and a uniform?
Answer: A pilot.

Now before I proceed let me be clear, I have no issue with truck drivers and I feel it necessary to inform you that my father was a truck driver for years, so obviously I am not down grading truck drivers. I am however, down grading pilots. It’s not to say they’re all bad, but I have only met one pilot in my entire life and he was, well let’s just say he was a little flighty.

Everything started out pretty normal between him and I. That is of course assuming that online dating is considered normal these days. He sent me a wink and I sent one back. Then he added me as a favorite and I reciprocated the action. After we both knew we were on the same page he finally sent me a message that read something like “Hey! I enjoyed looking at your profile (which was a blatant lie, my about me section was just a period. It literally read like this “.”) You’re absolutely gorgeous and the fact that you have a college degree and no kids definitely puts you in the top 10% of women on this website!” That comment alone made me feel pretty extraordinary. I always wondered what my online dating competition was like.

We eventually exchanged numbers and we spent some time texting. As time went by I found out he was a pilot with a pretty hectic schedule. He left out on Monday mornings at the ass crack of dawn and he didn’t get back until late Thursday evenings. Between our schedules that left us with very little time to actually meet up and see each other. So I did something I have never done and something I had thought I would never do, our first “date” was a Skype date. When he suggested that we skype to see each other for the first time, I was slightly taken aback, but I agreed and we set a Skype date for a couple of days later when we would both be free.

As the idea sank in and I had time to think about the oddity of a Skype date, I actually decided that this was a pretty brilliant way to date. You could get a good sense of what the person looks like outside of a picture and you could talk to them and interact with them all from the comfort of your own home. You could wear pajama pants or no pants and they would never know. And if it so happened to turn out that you didn’t like what you saw it was easy: disconnect, delete, block, and you’re home free. For a short moment I thought “this is how all first dates should be from now on.”

Our first “date” came and went and it was pretty flawless. It went so well that we decided to set aside some time so both of us could meet up in real life. Up to this point, I felt pretty good about this date and this guy. We seemed to have a pretty great connection and it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes. Not to mention he was a pilot and he got free airline tickets. I couldn’t afford to NOT date him.

Our first real life date was finally here and just as our skype date went, this too was flawless. We had dinner and walked around and talked and laughed and everything seemed to be going great. He was quite the gentleman. Compared to most of my past dates it doesn’t take much to hit that mark, he could apologize after nearly shitting his pants and I would consider that a gentlemanly gesture. He was better than that though, he paid for dinner AND he held doors open for me, quite the show off. He talked a lot about his job and at times it almost seemed like he was gloating. This only bothered me because let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a glorified truck driver. He seemed to be a little cocky, but I tried to look at it as a true love for his career.

However, the date proceeded without any issues and all in all I thought it was pretty wonderful. It wasn’t just me who thought the date went well because before the night had ended and we kissed each other good bye he asked if he could see me again. Of course there was no hesitation when I agreed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect everything had gone and for a brief second I had a momentary lapse of judgment and I let my mind wander to a place I never let it wander and I thought “what if he’s the one?”

He had sent an immediate text message to me telling me what a wonderful time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. For a brief moment it felt like everything was exactly how it should be.

We continued our Skype dates and texted each other often. We finally decided on a day when we could see each other again. He thought we’d keep it low key and romantic and so he decided that he’d cook dinner for me and I would come to his place, it all sounded so perfect.

It was finally time for date number two and once again I was all dolled up. He had texted me his address a few hours earlier with strict instructions to be at his apartment no later than 6p.m. So I obeyed his instructions and I was pulling in to his apartment complex at that exact time. I wasn’t sure which apartment he was so I texted him to let him know I was there. A few minutes had passed and I hadn’t heard back. Thinking maybe he was busy putting on last minute touches and didn’t have his phone on hand I decided to call. No answer. Not allowing myself to think the worst I decided I’d give him a few more minutes. He’d text me back, right?

After an hour of sitting in my car and no response I finally came to terms with the fact that, for the first time in my whole life, I had just been stood up by this stupid pilot, part of me was hoping he was dead and the other part of me was hoping he was on fire. Those would be the only two acceptable reasons as to why he wasn’t making an appearance.
Of course I went through the last week over and over again in my head. Wondering where I went wrong and why this would have happened, but by the end I came to the conclusion that it really wasn’t me and he was just an asshole.

A few days went by and he didn’t contact me and I didn’t contact him. It turned out to be just another one of my failed attempts at love.

Then the strangest thing happened, about a week later he sent me a text and asked me to get on Skype to which I replied “Okay” and then I never got on, it was my sad endeavor at revenge.

A few days later I got on Skype to speak with someone else and I had all these messages and voicemails from him. As I started to listen to them, all I could think about in my head was “Holy shit, I’m glad I tuck and rolled right out of that crazy train” and “Does the airline he flies for, know that he’s certifiably insane?” I went to read all the messages he had sent me and they were all pictures of him. He sent me at least 1 megabyte worth of dick pics. In a situation where I should have been completely mortified I couldn’t help but cry from laughter. The panic didn’t set in until I remembered that my parents Tablet was hooked-up to my Skype account. I immediately deleted, blocked, and changed my password.

In the end, I was saddened by the fact that I would have to buy my own plane tickets, scared that my mom saw a penis that didn’t belong to her husband, and glad I escaped the disaster that was the horny pilot.

Really, No Hard Feelings

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There are very few guys that I have dated that take me a while to write about, but this is one of the few. I really had to give myself some time to heal and mull over what the asshole did before I found the humor. I’m still not sure it’s really all that funny, but it’s definitely a lesson that everyone should learn before they make the same treacherous mistake. I also had to consider my losses because this may or may not be about a family friend, but that’s what unconditional love is for.

We’ve all been in the relationship with that one guy we just can’t seem to get away from. That no matter how hard we try they are always making an appearance in our lives and when we least expect it they pull the infamous disappearing act. Making us feel used and hurt, but yet we’re still dumb enough to go back to them when they reappear.

Unfortunately I too was a victim of this very thing and now I have a pretty strict zero tolerance policy. If you pull the disappearing act, don’t plan on reappearing because in my eyes you’re dead and rotting in the fiery pits of hell.

Anyway, let’s move forward, shall we?

Actually, let’s rewind to the winter of 2012. I was in the midst of an internship and just months out from graduating college. Due to my financial situation that came along with an unpaid internship I was living with my mom and dad, which was so fun I’m actually doing it again right now.

I had been conversing via Facebook message with an old family friend. I know, “Facebook Message,” sums it up pretty well and I could probably end this post right here and right now, but let me proceed.

We talked about life and caught up and before I knew it we were exchanging phone numbers. At first it seemed harmless, like we were just old friends reconnecting, but anybody with a brain knows that a friendly reconnection is not where this was going.

We ended up getting to the point where we were texting all day every day and even hanging out on occasion. With each day that passed we grew a little closer and closer, or so I thought.

Things progressed as any teenage relationship would. We never really went out in public together but we spent some quality evenings making out on my parents couch, it’s always fun to feel 16 again. Sadly, the best parts about those nights were watching the re-runs of Friends and Seinfeld. You’d think I would have stopped the relationship here, but I pushed onward.

Things went on like this for a while. I never really knew where we stood and he either avoided the question like the plague or he gave some sap story about how some girl broke his heart 2 years ago and he just wasn’t quite healed from it. I have no idea if it was really 2 years but it was at least a year and the excuse was pathetic and over used, if I do say so myself, and I do.

It wasn’t a huge deal though because I was in no place to have a serious relationship. I was working full-time during the day, going to school full time in the evening, and living with my parents. There was no time for any of these relationship shenanigans, so I let the madness ensue.

We were about 6 months in when mixed signals started flying around like Malaria infested mosquitos in Africa. He started asking questions like “What do you look for in a guy?” and “What was your last relationship like?” He’d say things like “Let’s get married!” and “Let’s have babies!” He was jumping the gun a little, but I humored him and thought this might actually just work out.

So what went wrong? Well, I’m glad you asked because a lot went wrong.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! Yes, this happened. It was the summer of 2013 and we were both going to the same concert. He had invited me to go with him, but I already had plans to go with a friend and I wasn’t going to leave her high and dry for a guy, so I told him I would meet him there, but when I ran into him I did NOT expect him to be with another girl. He claimed she was just a “family friend” so I let it slide. I’m sure she was just as much of a family friend to him as I was.

THE BROKEN PLANS

You would have thought he had the most erratic work schedule ever. No matter what we did or how early in advance we would plan to do something he always conveniently had to work last minute, and I’m not kidding when I say EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I even invited him to a football game once 2 months in advance and he talked about going with me all the way up to the evening before the game and then you’ll never guess what happened, yep, he had to work. You’d think with all the OT he was putting in he’d be able to live in his own place instead of with his sister.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! There was ANOTHER other girl? Of course there was, imagine my shock and horror when I’m out with my sister and cousins and there he is in all his glory standing at the door of the exact same restaurant we went to waiting for a table with another girl, and of course I received a 4 page text message later that night about how she was just a “family friend.”

I must say, he’s got a lot of female family friends and it’s pretty convenient he never had to unexpectedly work when going out with them.

THE FIRST DISAPPEARANCE

Finally after a year had passed I got the balls to ask him where the hell we stood and I received the standard “I’m just not in a place where I can seriously date someone. You’re a great girl and you deserve so much better.”

This is a PSA to all guys out there: It’s time to retire this line.

THE REAPPEARANCE

A few months had passed and I hadn’t heard a peep from him. It was at the time that he vanished that I got on my first dating website and naturally I started dating the first guy I met. I’ve been told that having a degree, a career, and no kids puts me in the top 10% of all the single ladies on dating websites, so I’m a pretty hot commodity apparently. I digress; about three months into seeing this match.com guy, ole dickhead made his grand entrance back into my life. He sent pages of text messages talking about how he wanted to take me on a real date and how he can’t use work as an excuse any more. Blah, Blah, Blah. I tried to act like I was uninterested, but let’s be real, I’m a real idiot and this smooth talking S.O.B got me again.

Things actually went well for a few months. We were going out in public and going on real dates and I thought “well what do you know; maybe he’s finally got his shit together.”

I’ve been wrong a time or two in my life, but never this wrong.

THE QUESTION

Out of respect for my progressing age and my timeframe for marriage and kids I decided I wasn’t going to waste another year on this guy so after a few months I asked the infamous “where do we stand” question.

The question was asked around 6 p.m. on a Friday and no answer was received until about 2:30 a.m. Saturday morning that simply read “Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you. I’ve been working we’ll talk tomorrow!”

I felt hopeful even though the red flags should have been flying left and right from the moment he said “I’ve been working”

THE SOCIAL MEDIA FIASCO

Saturday progressed and once again not a word was heard from him. So like any normal person, I got a little liquid courage in me and I sent out a very honest and unforgivable text that night that also probably made me look like a psycho, but after nearly a year and a half of wasted time I was okay with that.

Over 48 hours had passed and I still hadn’t heard from him, so I let the whole thing go and just figured he had vanished once again. I was surfing my Facebook when I came across some very interesting pictures that he was tagged in from Friday night, you know, the night he was supposedly “working.” Intriguing I know. I was obviously not going to say anything because despite the maturity level of our previous situation I, after all, am an adult and I just chalked it up to the fact that he’s a douche.

Sunday afternoon I received a Facebook message, yes another Facebook message, which read something along the lines of “Sorry for the no response I ruined my phone at work and I’m waiting to get a new one in the mail.”

Since he’s a little older I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on not understanding how Facebook works, but the dumbass didn’t realize that the message he sent said at the bottom “sent from mobile.” So yes, consider me rather impressed that he managed to send out a Facebook Message from his phone, while it was broken.  

I never messaged back and I have yet to hear from him again.

Yes, this was a relationship between two grown adults that started and ended all at the hand of a Facebook Message.

Where is he now?

Probably working and putting in 40 hours of OT while burning in the fiery pits of hell!

But really, no hard feelings…

My Friend: The Match Maker

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I have this friend who so far has been notorious for setting me up on the worst “dates” known to mankind. I love her to death and I’d place my life in her hands, but she’s been so far off base with the set-up thing that it’s unfathomable. So far we’re quite a few set ups in and each story is better than the last. I’d love to share them all with you but for now let’s just focus on these two.

The Jean Jacketed Curly Headed Ginger

Somewhere around my third semester of college I started to realize that I had no idea what I was doing there besides drinking. It was at this moment that I decided to take a step back and move back home to be a ‘Stay at Home Daughter’ for a while. So, when things started to get tense between my roommates and me (a.k.a my mom and dad) I would take a weekend away and visit my ever so lovely “match making” friend.
One weekend while I was visiting she had introduced me to the guy she was seeing and he was a rather attractive fellow who was a Marine or a part of the SWAT team, I can’t remember his actual title but it was something that’s associated with pure raw sexiness. I remember thinking I bet he has some attractive friends she could set me up with, so I told her to get me the hook-up.

It was a Saturday night and her beau had wrangled himself a friend so we could all go out to dinner. From the moment the two showed up at my friend’s apartment I was already disappointed. He was the last thing I would have ever expected him to bring, but yet here he was and there I was. I’m almost a 100% positive he didn’t have curly hair nor was he a Ginger, but for some reason that’s exactly how I remember him. He also wasn’t wearing a jean jacket, but he told some story about a time when he was wearing a jean jacket and that always stuck in my mind. The description I have given on him is completely false, but for the life of me I can’t remember what he actually looked like.

I wasn’t too awfully upset though, because if truth be told he did have a pretty good personality. He was hilarious, but I find that most of the time when a guy is overly funny he’s making up for what he lacks in looks, or size — if ya know what I mean. Anyway, he pretty much stole the show that night in telling stories and cracking jokes. Like I said he turned out to be hilarious, but there was still something about him that I just couldn’t quite put my finger on, but whatever it was, I didn’t like it.

Dinner proceeded according to plan and we went back to my friend’s apartment to just hang out, relax, and watch some football. It was at this time that the Jean Jacketed Curly Headed Ginger apparently got some bad case of ADHD. I have no idea where it came from or why it started but it did and it was obnoxious. His gum chomping rivaled that of Bo Pelini. There was finger tapping and foot tapping, and it was all just too much. I could hardly sit there for a second longer.

We were sitting on a futon and the damn thing was shaking worse than Michael J. Fox during an earthquake (stop acting like I’m the first one to crack a Michael J. Fox joke. Get over yourself.) I could hear my brain wiggling around inside of my head and for a split second I almost lost my cool. I felt like I was riding The Beast and the whiplash was just as bad.

My friend was quietly laughing on the couch when she finally turned towards her date and said “I think your friend might be ready leave.” It was on this queue that they both got up and left.

This tragic set up had finally ended and she and I laughed about it for hours.

Chicago Bound with a Mute

One weekend a few years ago my friend asked me if wanted to go to Chicago for the weekend and see a Cubs game with her and her boyfriend. I’d never been to Chicago and never seen a Cubs game so it only made sense that I would take this opportunity and go, so I did.

I vividly remember her promising that she had told her boyfriend to bring a really fun and attractive friend, so you can imagine my confusion when we showed up and he was neither of those two things. He wasn’t much of a talker and he was skinnier than an angel hair pasta noodle.

Our journey towards Chicago had begun.

My friend, her boyfriend, and I were all talking and laughing. We were having a really good time when I noticed he was just sitting there, interjecting a laugh or two every once in a while, but for the most part he was dead silent. I could hear the crickets.

I honestly don’t have a whole lot to report back on this situation because there wasn’t a whole lot said. I spent a weekend with my best friend and her boyfriend and some guy who couldn’t mutter a single syllable.

The only picture I have to paint for you is this:

We’re at the Cubs game and it’s early spring so it’s still a little chilly outside. Thunder Clouds started to roll in and the storm that took place was less of thunderstorm and more of a monsoon. When the rain had finally let up, and it was more of a light downpour as opposed to a torrential downpour, the game finally started.

The four of us were in the bleachers, in our rain coats, sitting elementary style, girl/boy/girl/boy. I could hear my friend and her boyfriend just laughing and chatting up a storm having what seemed to be a grand old time and here I was stuck in the pouring down rain, cold, and sitting next to a mute. I was envious. Not to mention I was at a baseball game: America’s most boring pastime to spectate if liquor isn’t involved. I most definitely needed a shot or 6.

There were a couple of times I tried to talk to him but after asking the first question and receiving nothing more than a nod I thought “to hell with it, why even bother?” I was miserable. Not only was it raining and I was sitting next to Harpo Marx, but the game went into 5 extra innings. There was actually a point where I pulled my arms and head into my rain coat like a turtle and just sat there. Yes, it seems like a socially awkward thing to do, but there was really no way I could make this anymore socially awkward than he already had.

I sat in my little tent and started praying that the gracious God above would either take me away from the agony or give this man a voice box.

Needless to say I didn’t talk to either of these two guys ever again and I think the feeling of agony and misery was pretty mutual.