For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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There’s No Second Date, Is There?

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I actually haven’t been the most flawless dater known to mankind.

I know. Shocking!

I have this bad habit of talking before I’ve completely finished chewing my food. It’s not like I’m being a disgusting animal that’s talking with a whole bite in my mouth, it’s just sometimes I get so excited to tell a story I’ll start before I’m able to get my food all the way down. 9 times out of 10 it’s not even noticeable, it just looks like I’m making a hard and fast swallow. I’d hardly call it un-lady like, but I’m sure Queen Elizabeth would not approve.

So that brings me to a date I was on a while back. My date and I were talking and making jokes and everything seemed to be going really well. At one point he had made a particularly funny comment that had caught me a little off guard. I tried to choke back my food before laughing, but I couldn’t get it down quick enough and there it was, food spewing right out of my mouth. It definitely wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever done and as shocking as this may be, not only was that our first date, but it also happened to be our last.

Regrettably, this has happened more times then I’d like to admit, but every other guy has been able to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. One time it was even Sushi, which is pretty disgusting, and that didn’t seem to ruin the date. Any guy that can’t get over a little food spit because I’m laughing at his joke, I have one thing to say to that: I don’t need that kind of judgmental negativity in my life.

Then there was the time I left a guy on the curb waiting for a cab.

It was a long night and we all know how alcohol can cloud anybody’s judgment. So the next morning when I woke up with a pounding headache and a mouth dryer than the Mohave Desert I knew there was only one cure: water, Advil, greasy breakfast food, more water, and a Bloody Mary. I’m not sure who taught me this, probably my eldest brother (he’s like the Yoda of drinking), but it’s a basic cure to any hangover. You can thank me later.

Anyway, the only problem was my friends wanted to go to breakfast and this guy needed to get back to his friends. You see, I was in the quite the predicament. After some thought though, I realized the only thing that made sense was to have him call a cab and wait out by the curb while I went to breakfast. I probably should have offered to take him back to his friends, as that would have been the lady-like and kind thing to do, but we were both equally uninterested in each other so I’m sure he really didn’t mind.

Then of course, there was the time I called the guy the wrong name on our first date. It was an honest mistake. I’d been on two dates with two different guys in the same day. I just overbooked myself and keeping their names straight was harder than doing the ABC’s backwards while intoxicated. Fortunately though, my little slip up happened while he was dropping me off at the end of the date. It’s safe to say I never heard from him again. Not even a “thanks for a great time” text afterward.

In the past, I’ve done some serious ranting about how much I hate when guys lead girls on, but I too am guilty of this one. Remember the cat guy? Yeah, I knew from the start I didn’t really like him, but I felt out the situation because I was broke and hungry. The older I get the worse I feel about this one, he really was a nice guy. He just had shady cats and red hair, which made him the perfect candidate for not me. I’m pretty positive Karma has already come back and bit me on the ass for this one though, so all is well that ends well.

Then of course, there’s the infamous act of going back to an ex. EVERYBODY is guilty of this one and I’ll be the first one to say it’s a serious dating faux paus. We always say been there done that, but for some reason we can’t resist the charm of our high school sweetheart at our hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving. Why? What’s up with that? We usually run into them once or twice after high school. Unfortunately mine was twice and both times I was grasping at strings that weren’t there. In my defense we were both at really weird times in our lives.

The lesson here is, it never ends well so just don’t do it. Don’t go back. Keep running towards the light. Don’t ruin your forward progress. Remember “Been there, done that” say it with me now BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

#27 eating

And finally, there have been times that I have gone out with guys and known from the get-go that it’s not going to end well and that, despite how good of a date they think it is, there will not be a second date. I use to (key word being USE to) take full advantage of these dates. I’d order 3 too many beers and instead of being a lady and getting a salad I’d get an appetizer and a huge entrée. I knew that they were paying so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of leftovers for lunch and dinner for the next day. Those are not my finer moments nor were they my skinniest moments either.

I’m still going to stand by the fact that 99.9% of the guys that I had brief encounters with were total douche nozzles, BUT I can’t act like I’ve been perfect. I’ve had my fair share of questionable moments. The good news is, I’ve learned something from them all and it’s lead me to where I am today.

So don’t be afraid to make mistakes while dating. That’s what makes it so fun. Don’t try to be so polished. It’s the messy, ridiculous, completely off plan dates that usually end up being the forever thing!

“May the Odds be Ever in your Favor”

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The first full week of January has passed and I’m sure everyone is still excited about their “New Year, New Me” slogan. Why don’t all of you come back and see me in March. Call me cynical if you must, but I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions were total busts for me. Oh wait, yeah I can…ALL OF THEM!

Resolutions fill my social media news feed and it’s almost unbearable. Out of pure curiosity, I went about asking random people what their resolutions were for 2015 knowing full and well I’d receive the same answers over and over again. I got a few humorous off the wall ones like “Stop calling my boss a bitch under my breath so much,” “Continue to not get my girlfriend pregnant,” and “Not be single for next Christmas, even if that means renting a date.”

I laughed at the first one thanking God that I have pretty outstanding bosses, the second one I applauded, and the third one I sympathized with. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent fantasizing some sort of Debra Messing and Durmot Mulroney Hollywood love story (See “The Wedding Date.”)

I could go through the standard “It’ll happen when it happens” or “You can’t make somebody fall in love with you” speech, but nobody wants to hear that. I know I never did. So instead I thought I’d share some of the biggest dating faux pas I encountered during my long stint of dating.

For all you hopeless romantics out there let me walk you through a few steps that could be helpful in landing yourself a lover for the 2015 Holiday Season and someone to ring in 2016 with.

Speak the Truth

Don’t exaggerate too much. We all know a story isn’t any good without a little embellishment on the details, but don’t tell me about your close near death encounter with a hammer head shark when in reality you were just at the “pet a shark” section at the zoo.

Texting Etiquette

Men: It’s not hard to pick up your phone sometime after the first date and send us a text. If you’re not interested there are no hard feelings, but if we send you a text you should be doing one of two things:

  1. Text us back and let us know so we don’t waste our time; or
  2. DON’T TEXT US AT ALL. IGNORE US. If you’re not man enough to tell us that you’re not interested then just don’t text back. Don’t play mind games. If you’re going to fan the flames then you absolutely deserve that crazy that is eventually coming your way.

Ladies: One text is plenty. If he doesn’t respond within 12 hours he’s not interested. Delete his number and MOVE ON. There is nothing more unattractive then a girl that becomes a stage 5 clinger after one date. I know you liked him, but he clearly didn’t like you. Sorry. Also, when I say delete his number, seriously, delete it. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT DRUNK TEXT HIM. EVER.

TMI

I probably can’t say this enough, but don’t give away too much information on the first date. Nobody wants to know about the weird lump you had when you were 16 and that’s why you had to have a colonoscopy at such a young age.

Alcohol

Let’s be real for a minute, the best two things about going on a date is the food and the alcohol. For girls especially because normally it’s going to be free. There is an extremely fine line between just the right amount and too much. Just one drink can send you over the top. Nothing says “I’m a real catch” like vomiting on your date’s suede shoes while crying and repeatedly slurring “I’m so sorry.”

Conversation Topics and Manners

Let’s touch on all the conversation topics you SHOULDN’T talk about:

  • Your ex and along the same lines don’t ask about their ex
  • How drunk you and your friends get and the stupid stuff you do
  • All the people you’ve slept with
  • Oh and did I mention not to talk about your ex?

Now, let’s move on to conversation manners:

  • Look your date in the eye when you’re talking to them. I don’t care how uninteresting they are or if they have a whole salad stuck in their teeth, don’t be rude.
  • When they ask you a question answer and reciprocate the question back to them. Don’t spend the whole night letting the other person field all the questions. As much as you think it might be, it’s really not all about you.

The Check

Call me old school, but the man should pay unless other arrangements were made prior to the meal. If, as a man, YOU ask the girl out and you do not pay, you’re pathetic.

“You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the check. That’s all I’m asking for is a reach. Is that too much to ask for?” So ladies if you feel like it give it a reach, but this can and will backfire.

Good luck to finding your soulmate in 2015 you’ve got 11 months to make it happen.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Top Seven Realites of Modern Dating That Everyone Hates

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Recently I took a poll on what people hate most about dating in today’s world and the answers received were nothing shocking. Everything I read made me laugh, because I too have been there and experienced each and every one of these feelings.

  1. He’s always with his ex

– So, maybe he’s not physically with his ex and maybe they don’t even talk anymore, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t still Facebook/Twitter/Instagram friends. Even though he says he’s “over her” and you believe him, we all know he’s still looking at her profile just to see whose doing better. Hell, I know I still social media stalk the hell out of my ex’s, not because I’m interested but just to prove that I’ve got more going for me then they do.

  1. He’s Always on his phone

– Whether he’s talking to his mom, or his buddy, or he’s on his work phone, gone are the days where you get to spend actual quality time together. Time where there were no interruptions. Even though it may be something small like a simple text message from a co-worker it’s still beyond irritating when you’re laying on the couch watching a movie and he gets all squirmy while he tries to text back and cuddle you at the same time. 2 hours, that’s all we’re asking for here. 2 hours!

  1. You can never really get away from him

– He’s always there. Your friend posts an embarrassing picture of you on Instagram and BOOM! You’re phone starts blowing up because you’re with 13 different guys. Obviously he didn’t notice the acne and lack of boobs or the caption that reads “#tbt” or “#Circa2000”

    1. You actually have to online date

– Online dating is no longer a tool that you use for convenience. You are actually forced to online date. The good ole days of meeting someone randomly out in public are no more and any guy you’d meet in bar, there is a 99.7% chance you do NOT want to take him home to meet the family. Just beware of the ones who don’t disclose important stuff on their profile. If they fail to mention their age or degree level, they’re probably going to fail to tell you they have an STD until after you sleep together. SCARY!

  1. You come off so needy

– You eventually find yourself soliciting others for a date for events like your friend’s wedding or even for Thanksgiving. We don’t all fall in love with our high school sweet hearts anymore and it’s rare that we find love in our 4 year drunken stupor that some call college. When we start to realize everyone around us is getting married or moving in with their significant other, we start begging people to accompany us as our dates so we can avoid the pity stares and the infamous “He’s out there somewhere” comment.

  1. People keep asking “when is it your turn?”

– Old people always think it’s appropriate to ask this question, but it’s not. Just Stop. Stop looking at me with your worried expression asking me when I’m going to get married or have babies. I’ll be fine. I’ve now started looking at people with the same expression saying “Oh, don’t you remember? I got married last spring. Are you feeling okay?”

  1. Dating is so embarrassing

– Cue Seinfeld – The Big Salad Episode:

Elaine: Maybe I should just get married.

Jerry: Dating is really starting to get embarrassing isn’t it?

Elaine: I know. You know, whenever I’m on a date I feel people can tell.

Jerry: People on dates shouldn’t even be allowed out in public.

Elaine: You can say that again.

Jerry: It’s embarrassing for them. It’s painful for us to watch. I’m going out with someone later; I’m not even taking her out of the house.

Elaine: Good for you.

Jerry: I don’t need a bunch of people staring at us.

Elaine: Right on baby.

That basically sums it all up.

WARNING: The Ghouls and Goblins are out tonight and horny as can be, don’t end up drinking until you can’t see, because you might end up with HERPES! Have a SAFE Halloween!

*Don’t forget if you are interested in telling your HORRIFYING dating story or if you have an idea for a poll that you think would provide some interesting answers, send them to acbetz6@gmail.com or like us on Facebook at https://m.facebook.com/goodfoodbadcompany and direct message them.

A Deal Made With The Devil

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“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
-David Wong, John Dies at the End

What do you get when you’ve met a guy from an online dating website, you’ve been dating for a month, and he asks you to co-sign a loan for him? Yes, a disaster.

So yeah, this happened. I was dating this sleazy dirt bag who was 30 years old and actually asked me to co-sign on a loan for him to purchase a vehicle.

It was March of 2014 and I was down in Nashville Tennessee with a bunch of girls celebrating one of my closest friend’s upcoming nuptials; it was a bachelorette party, if you will! One morning we were all cooking breakfast, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and rehashing events from the night before. Not even an hour had passed and when I went to go get my phone I had 20 MISSED CALLS from the man I was dating, or a/k/a the Devil.

I finally called Lucifer back and you will not believe the question that came out of his mouth. He had actually asked me if I would be willing to co-sign for a loan for him for the purchase of a new vehicle! Of course my immediate reactions were “Hell NO!” “Absolutely not!” and “are you kidding me?” He was 30 years old and he couldn’t even afford to get a car on his own. This hands down without a doubt should have been the moment that I realized “I need to get out NOW!”

I got back to Indiana and I decided I would feel the relationship out for a little while longer. After all, maybe he was just hard pressed and out of a desperate attempt to get a new car he had a lack of judgment and asked me. This happens all the time, right?

A few weeks went by and I never heard another thing about him wanting me to sign for this vehicle. I thought I was free and clear and we would be able to progress forward with our relationship, which for the most part was a disaster in itself.

A few days later I get a really vague text from my boyfriend that was just an address and said “please meet me here after work.” I thought maybe something was wrong, so after the work day was complete I headed out.

As I merged off the interstate and my GPS was pointing me closer and closer to final destination, in the distance I saw a car dealership. In an attempt to rationalize with myself I figured he had just purchased a vehicle and he needed my help getting something back to his house. That’s what it had to be, there was no other explanation.

As I got out of my car and he approached me he said “I want you to look at the Jeep I’m about to buy.” Immediately I felt relief wash over my body. He was just showing me the vehicle that HE purchased. Shew, I wiped some sweat off my brow on that one.

We looked at his Jeep and took a test drive and I assured him that the vehicle was flawless and that I thought he should get it.

Between the sales guy and my boyfriend, by the time it was all said and done I ended up walking out of there as the co-signer of a “temporary” 90-day loan. I was under the impression that in 90 days my name would be dropped from the loan and I would no longer be financially responsible.

Now, before you go assuming I’m a huge idiot, let me be clear, I absolutely am. These two swindled me into making a deal that didn’t even exist. There is no such thing as a temporary 90 day loan; I should have been smart enough to know that, but I let their sweet talking ways win me over. I literally made a deal with the devil himself.

As time passed our relationship slowly deteriorated until all that was left was the connection of the Jeep. This was mostly due to the fact that he slept with his ex and got her pregnant while we were still together, but that’s neither here nor there. Once 90-days had passed I thought I was free and clear of the loan. I was thinking they would mail me some papers to sign and I would be on my way to freedom. Again, I realize how big of an idiot I sound like, but let me proceed.

I called the loan company to see what the next steps would be and what do you know, they tell me that I’m the sole borrower and the loan is completely in my name. They also proceed to tell me that the loan is 75 days past due. Immediately my heart drops right out of my ass. How could this have happened? How could I have been so blind? For Christ sake I work in the legal field and we deal with loans all the time. HOW DID I MISS THIS?

I went about in a frantic state for what seemed like forever until I gained my composure and started obnoxiously calling my ex. He had promised me he was going to apply for a loan and we would refinance this into his name. We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks when suddenly he fell off the face of the planet. His phone was dead, his house was empty, and the Jeep (that was mine) was nowhere to be found. There was only one logical answer; he had taken his rightful place as King of the underworld.

I immediately called the finance company and told them the Jeep was missing. I told them that I was not paying on the loan and that their only recourse would be to find the Jeep and have it repossessed. As my dad said, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.” He was basically stating the fact that I was poor and couldn’t pay for the disaster that I had gotten myself in to.

My next step was to call the Police and report the vehicle as stolen and just hope and pray that this would all be figured out soon.

A few weeks went by and I heard absolutely nothing, from anybody. My nerves were on their last string and I’m pretty sure I lost a baseball sized clump of hair from all of the stress. My life was slowly spiraling out of control.

I finally took matters into my own hands and I started doing some digging and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this charming ex-boyfriend of mine had been arrested for theft, not vehicle theft, but gas theft. He was put in jail on a $6,000 bond. After some further research I found out that he posted bond and was immediately arrested for a warrant he had out for his arrest and he was held for another jurisdiction. So what jurisdiction was he being held for? Oh, I’m all too happy to answer that question, he was being held for the U.S. Military.

Apparently he went AWOL from the U.S. Army 8 years ago and after evaluation he was charged with desertion and he is now being held in a military facility in Colorado. As to the specificity of his case, I don’t know, but I do know that it was pretty serious. It was also seriously awesome, at least to me.

This is probably my biggest regret to date, but I can’t say I didn’t learn a good lesson. I actually learned a couple of things from this relationship:

1. Never get financially involved with anyone who isn’t your husband, and even then question it;
2. Karma is real, and I came out on the winning end;
3. At the first sign of crazy save yourself the trouble and get out; and
4. I obviously have a pretty keen ability for picking winners.

A Little Flighty

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Question: What do you get when you give a truck driver a degree and a uniform?
Answer: A pilot.

Now before I proceed let me be clear, I have no issue with truck drivers and I feel it necessary to inform you that my father was a truck driver for years, so obviously I am not down grading truck drivers. I am however, down grading pilots. It’s not to say they’re all bad, but I have only met one pilot in my entire life and he was, well let’s just say he was a little flighty.

Everything started out pretty normal between him and I. That is of course assuming that online dating is considered normal these days. He sent me a wink and I sent one back. Then he added me as a favorite and I reciprocated the action. After we both knew we were on the same page he finally sent me a message that read something like “Hey! I enjoyed looking at your profile (which was a blatant lie, my about me section was just a period. It literally read like this “.”) You’re absolutely gorgeous and the fact that you have a college degree and no kids definitely puts you in the top 10% of women on this website!” That comment alone made me feel pretty extraordinary. I always wondered what my online dating competition was like.

We eventually exchanged numbers and we spent some time texting. As time went by I found out he was a pilot with a pretty hectic schedule. He left out on Monday mornings at the ass crack of dawn and he didn’t get back until late Thursday evenings. Between our schedules that left us with very little time to actually meet up and see each other. So I did something I have never done and something I had thought I would never do, our first “date” was a Skype date. When he suggested that we skype to see each other for the first time, I was slightly taken aback, but I agreed and we set a Skype date for a couple of days later when we would both be free.

As the idea sank in and I had time to think about the oddity of a Skype date, I actually decided that this was a pretty brilliant way to date. You could get a good sense of what the person looks like outside of a picture and you could talk to them and interact with them all from the comfort of your own home. You could wear pajama pants or no pants and they would never know. And if it so happened to turn out that you didn’t like what you saw it was easy: disconnect, delete, block, and you’re home free. For a short moment I thought “this is how all first dates should be from now on.”

Our first “date” came and went and it was pretty flawless. It went so well that we decided to set aside some time so both of us could meet up in real life. Up to this point, I felt pretty good about this date and this guy. We seemed to have a pretty great connection and it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes. Not to mention he was a pilot and he got free airline tickets. I couldn’t afford to NOT date him.

Our first real life date was finally here and just as our skype date went, this too was flawless. We had dinner and walked around and talked and laughed and everything seemed to be going great. He was quite the gentleman. Compared to most of my past dates it doesn’t take much to hit that mark, he could apologize after nearly shitting his pants and I would consider that a gentlemanly gesture. He was better than that though, he paid for dinner AND he held doors open for me, quite the show off. He talked a lot about his job and at times it almost seemed like he was gloating. This only bothered me because let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a glorified truck driver. He seemed to be a little cocky, but I tried to look at it as a true love for his career.

However, the date proceeded without any issues and all in all I thought it was pretty wonderful. It wasn’t just me who thought the date went well because before the night had ended and we kissed each other good bye he asked if he could see me again. Of course there was no hesitation when I agreed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect everything had gone and for a brief second I had a momentary lapse of judgment and I let my mind wander to a place I never let it wander and I thought “what if he’s the one?”

He had sent an immediate text message to me telling me what a wonderful time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. For a brief moment it felt like everything was exactly how it should be.

We continued our Skype dates and texted each other often. We finally decided on a day when we could see each other again. He thought we’d keep it low key and romantic and so he decided that he’d cook dinner for me and I would come to his place, it all sounded so perfect.

It was finally time for date number two and once again I was all dolled up. He had texted me his address a few hours earlier with strict instructions to be at his apartment no later than 6p.m. So I obeyed his instructions and I was pulling in to his apartment complex at that exact time. I wasn’t sure which apartment he was so I texted him to let him know I was there. A few minutes had passed and I hadn’t heard back. Thinking maybe he was busy putting on last minute touches and didn’t have his phone on hand I decided to call. No answer. Not allowing myself to think the worst I decided I’d give him a few more minutes. He’d text me back, right?

After an hour of sitting in my car and no response I finally came to terms with the fact that, for the first time in my whole life, I had just been stood up by this stupid pilot, part of me was hoping he was dead and the other part of me was hoping he was on fire. Those would be the only two acceptable reasons as to why he wasn’t making an appearance.
Of course I went through the last week over and over again in my head. Wondering where I went wrong and why this would have happened, but by the end I came to the conclusion that it really wasn’t me and he was just an asshole.

A few days went by and he didn’t contact me and I didn’t contact him. It turned out to be just another one of my failed attempts at love.

Then the strangest thing happened, about a week later he sent me a text and asked me to get on Skype to which I replied “Okay” and then I never got on, it was my sad endeavor at revenge.

A few days later I got on Skype to speak with someone else and I had all these messages and voicemails from him. As I started to listen to them, all I could think about in my head was “Holy shit, I’m glad I tuck and rolled right out of that crazy train” and “Does the airline he flies for, know that he’s certifiably insane?” I went to read all the messages he had sent me and they were all pictures of him. He sent me at least 1 megabyte worth of dick pics. In a situation where I should have been completely mortified I couldn’t help but cry from laughter. The panic didn’t set in until I remembered that my parents Tablet was hooked-up to my Skype account. I immediately deleted, blocked, and changed my password.

In the end, I was saddened by the fact that I would have to buy my own plane tickets, scared that my mom saw a penis that didn’t belong to her husband, and glad I escaped the disaster that was the horny pilot.

Really, No Hard Feelings

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There are very few guys that I have dated that take me a while to write about, but this is one of the few. I really had to give myself some time to heal and mull over what the asshole did before I found the humor. I’m still not sure it’s really all that funny, but it’s definitely a lesson that everyone should learn before they make the same treacherous mistake. I also had to consider my losses because this may or may not be about a family friend, but that’s what unconditional love is for.

We’ve all been in the relationship with that one guy we just can’t seem to get away from. That no matter how hard we try they are always making an appearance in our lives and when we least expect it they pull the infamous disappearing act. Making us feel used and hurt, but yet we’re still dumb enough to go back to them when they reappear.

Unfortunately I too was a victim of this very thing and now I have a pretty strict zero tolerance policy. If you pull the disappearing act, don’t plan on reappearing because in my eyes you’re dead and rotting in the fiery pits of hell.

Anyway, let’s move forward, shall we?

Actually, let’s rewind to the winter of 2012. I was in the midst of an internship and just months out from graduating college. Due to my financial situation that came along with an unpaid internship I was living with my mom and dad, which was so fun I’m actually doing it again right now.

I had been conversing via Facebook message with an old family friend. I know, “Facebook Message,” sums it up pretty well and I could probably end this post right here and right now, but let me proceed.

We talked about life and caught up and before I knew it we were exchanging phone numbers. At first it seemed harmless, like we were just old friends reconnecting, but anybody with a brain knows that a friendly reconnection is not where this was going.

We ended up getting to the point where we were texting all day every day and even hanging out on occasion. With each day that passed we grew a little closer and closer, or so I thought.

Things progressed as any teenage relationship would. We never really went out in public together but we spent some quality evenings making out on my parents couch, it’s always fun to feel 16 again. Sadly, the best parts about those nights were watching the re-runs of Friends and Seinfeld. You’d think I would have stopped the relationship here, but I pushed onward.

Things went on like this for a while. I never really knew where we stood and he either avoided the question like the plague or he gave some sap story about how some girl broke his heart 2 years ago and he just wasn’t quite healed from it. I have no idea if it was really 2 years but it was at least a year and the excuse was pathetic and over used, if I do say so myself, and I do.

It wasn’t a huge deal though because I was in no place to have a serious relationship. I was working full-time during the day, going to school full time in the evening, and living with my parents. There was no time for any of these relationship shenanigans, so I let the madness ensue.

We were about 6 months in when mixed signals started flying around like Malaria infested mosquitos in Africa. He started asking questions like “What do you look for in a guy?” and “What was your last relationship like?” He’d say things like “Let’s get married!” and “Let’s have babies!” He was jumping the gun a little, but I humored him and thought this might actually just work out.

So what went wrong? Well, I’m glad you asked because a lot went wrong.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! Yes, this happened. It was the summer of 2013 and we were both going to the same concert. He had invited me to go with him, but I already had plans to go with a friend and I wasn’t going to leave her high and dry for a guy, so I told him I would meet him there, but when I ran into him I did NOT expect him to be with another girl. He claimed she was just a “family friend” so I let it slide. I’m sure she was just as much of a family friend to him as I was.

THE BROKEN PLANS

You would have thought he had the most erratic work schedule ever. No matter what we did or how early in advance we would plan to do something he always conveniently had to work last minute, and I’m not kidding when I say EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I even invited him to a football game once 2 months in advance and he talked about going with me all the way up to the evening before the game and then you’ll never guess what happened, yep, he had to work. You’d think with all the OT he was putting in he’d be able to live in his own place instead of with his sister.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! There was ANOTHER other girl? Of course there was, imagine my shock and horror when I’m out with my sister and cousins and there he is in all his glory standing at the door of the exact same restaurant we went to waiting for a table with another girl, and of course I received a 4 page text message later that night about how she was just a “family friend.”

I must say, he’s got a lot of female family friends and it’s pretty convenient he never had to unexpectedly work when going out with them.

THE FIRST DISAPPEARANCE

Finally after a year had passed I got the balls to ask him where the hell we stood and I received the standard “I’m just not in a place where I can seriously date someone. You’re a great girl and you deserve so much better.”

This is a PSA to all guys out there: It’s time to retire this line.

THE REAPPEARANCE

A few months had passed and I hadn’t heard a peep from him. It was at the time that he vanished that I got on my first dating website and naturally I started dating the first guy I met. I’ve been told that having a degree, a career, and no kids puts me in the top 10% of all the single ladies on dating websites, so I’m a pretty hot commodity apparently. I digress; about three months into seeing this match.com guy, ole dickhead made his grand entrance back into my life. He sent pages of text messages talking about how he wanted to take me on a real date and how he can’t use work as an excuse any more. Blah, Blah, Blah. I tried to act like I was uninterested, but let’s be real, I’m a real idiot and this smooth talking S.O.B got me again.

Things actually went well for a few months. We were going out in public and going on real dates and I thought “well what do you know; maybe he’s finally got his shit together.”

I’ve been wrong a time or two in my life, but never this wrong.

THE QUESTION

Out of respect for my progressing age and my timeframe for marriage and kids I decided I wasn’t going to waste another year on this guy so after a few months I asked the infamous “where do we stand” question.

The question was asked around 6 p.m. on a Friday and no answer was received until about 2:30 a.m. Saturday morning that simply read “Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you. I’ve been working we’ll talk tomorrow!”

I felt hopeful even though the red flags should have been flying left and right from the moment he said “I’ve been working”

THE SOCIAL MEDIA FIASCO

Saturday progressed and once again not a word was heard from him. So like any normal person, I got a little liquid courage in me and I sent out a very honest and unforgivable text that night that also probably made me look like a psycho, but after nearly a year and a half of wasted time I was okay with that.

Over 48 hours had passed and I still hadn’t heard from him, so I let the whole thing go and just figured he had vanished once again. I was surfing my Facebook when I came across some very interesting pictures that he was tagged in from Friday night, you know, the night he was supposedly “working.” Intriguing I know. I was obviously not going to say anything because despite the maturity level of our previous situation I, after all, am an adult and I just chalked it up to the fact that he’s a douche.

Sunday afternoon I received a Facebook message, yes another Facebook message, which read something along the lines of “Sorry for the no response I ruined my phone at work and I’m waiting to get a new one in the mail.”

Since he’s a little older I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on not understanding how Facebook works, but the dumbass didn’t realize that the message he sent said at the bottom “sent from mobile.” So yes, consider me rather impressed that he managed to send out a Facebook Message from his phone, while it was broken.  

I never messaged back and I have yet to hear from him again.

Yes, this was a relationship between two grown adults that started and ended all at the hand of a Facebook Message.

Where is he now?

Probably working and putting in 40 hours of OT while burning in the fiery pits of hell!

But really, no hard feelings…