For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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“May the Odds be Ever in your Favor”

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The first full week of January has passed and I’m sure everyone is still excited about their “New Year, New Me” slogan. Why don’t all of you come back and see me in March. Call me cynical if you must, but I can’t tell you how many New Year’s Resolutions were total busts for me. Oh wait, yeah I can…ALL OF THEM!

Resolutions fill my social media news feed and it’s almost unbearable. Out of pure curiosity, I went about asking random people what their resolutions were for 2015 knowing full and well I’d receive the same answers over and over again. I got a few humorous off the wall ones like “Stop calling my boss a bitch under my breath so much,” “Continue to not get my girlfriend pregnant,” and “Not be single for next Christmas, even if that means renting a date.”

I laughed at the first one thanking God that I have pretty outstanding bosses, the second one I applauded, and the third one I sympathized with. I can’t tell you how many Christmases I spent fantasizing some sort of Debra Messing and Durmot Mulroney Hollywood love story (See “The Wedding Date.”)

I could go through the standard “It’ll happen when it happens” or “You can’t make somebody fall in love with you” speech, but nobody wants to hear that. I know I never did. So instead I thought I’d share some of the biggest dating faux pas I encountered during my long stint of dating.

For all you hopeless romantics out there let me walk you through a few steps that could be helpful in landing yourself a lover for the 2015 Holiday Season and someone to ring in 2016 with.

Speak the Truth

Don’t exaggerate too much. We all know a story isn’t any good without a little embellishment on the details, but don’t tell me about your close near death encounter with a hammer head shark when in reality you were just at the “pet a shark” section at the zoo.

Texting Etiquette

Men: It’s not hard to pick up your phone sometime after the first date and send us a text. If you’re not interested there are no hard feelings, but if we send you a text you should be doing one of two things:

  1. Text us back and let us know so we don’t waste our time; or
  2. DON’T TEXT US AT ALL. IGNORE US. If you’re not man enough to tell us that you’re not interested then just don’t text back. Don’t play mind games. If you’re going to fan the flames then you absolutely deserve that crazy that is eventually coming your way.

Ladies: One text is plenty. If he doesn’t respond within 12 hours he’s not interested. Delete his number and MOVE ON. There is nothing more unattractive then a girl that becomes a stage 5 clinger after one date. I know you liked him, but he clearly didn’t like you. Sorry. Also, when I say delete his number, seriously, delete it. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT DRUNK TEXT HIM. EVER.

TMI

I probably can’t say this enough, but don’t give away too much information on the first date. Nobody wants to know about the weird lump you had when you were 16 and that’s why you had to have a colonoscopy at such a young age.

Alcohol

Let’s be real for a minute, the best two things about going on a date is the food and the alcohol. For girls especially because normally it’s going to be free. There is an extremely fine line between just the right amount and too much. Just one drink can send you over the top. Nothing says “I’m a real catch” like vomiting on your date’s suede shoes while crying and repeatedly slurring “I’m so sorry.”

Conversation Topics and Manners

Let’s touch on all the conversation topics you SHOULDN’T talk about:

  • Your ex and along the same lines don’t ask about their ex
  • How drunk you and your friends get and the stupid stuff you do
  • All the people you’ve slept with
  • Oh and did I mention not to talk about your ex?

Now, let’s move on to conversation manners:

  • Look your date in the eye when you’re talking to them. I don’t care how uninteresting they are or if they have a whole salad stuck in their teeth, don’t be rude.
  • When they ask you a question answer and reciprocate the question back to them. Don’t spend the whole night letting the other person field all the questions. As much as you think it might be, it’s really not all about you.

The Check

Call me old school, but the man should pay unless other arrangements were made prior to the meal. If, as a man, YOU ask the girl out and you do not pay, you’re pathetic.

“You know she and I go out for dinner, she doesn’t even reach for the check. That’s all I’m asking for is a reach. Is that too much to ask for?” So ladies if you feel like it give it a reach, but this can and will backfire.

Good luck to finding your soulmate in 2015 you’ve got 11 months to make it happen.

“May the odds be ever in your favor.”

Cats! Why? Why so many cats?

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The ginger and I had just had a pretty good date. Like I said earlier compared to most of the other dates I have been on it wasn’t that bad. We didn’t have any awkward pauses in the conversation and he paid for dinner. All in all it was pretty successful and if he would have just taken me home after dinner I would have probably even gone out with him again.

After I had agreed to go back to his place and he started driving I realized something rather strange. We were leaving the general area of the college. I was confused because there are some areas of this town you just don’t venture into, because if it wasn’t for the college campus, the town would literally be a dump. It was at this moment that I realized he wasn’t a student of the college. He was a local. He lived in this town and I feel like after all of this time I should have known this, but for some reason I didn’t. I had to calm myself down and realize it wasn’t the end of the world. Maybe he was alright, maybe things would work out.

We got to his house and from the outside it looked like a normal cute little house. I was shockingly surprised and at the same time relieved. Maybe, just maybe everything was going to be alright.

I walked into his house and I knew immediately things were not going to be okay. As soon as I walked into his front door it had felt like someone just punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind right out of me. It smelled like poop, and piss, and kitty litter. I was gagging and trying to think of how I was going to make it to half time. I sat in one corner of the couch with my legs crossed my hand over my nose and I didn’t even take my coat off. Now, before you start thinking “Wow! This is some stuck up bitch who can’t even relax and enjoy herself.” I cannot describe to you how awful this house smelled. There were at least 15 cats and to be even clearer I am NOT a cat person. To me cats are snakes with fur. They are mean and stuck up and I hate them.
The game continued and finally halftime had arrived. I sat up half expecting him to ask if I was ready, but he kept delaying the process and finally I demanded “Can you please take me home?” It was to my surprise and horror that he his response was “Actually I was thinking we’d watch the second half. Wanna play Uno?” I had to take a deep breath (but not too deep because the stench of the cats was deathly) and compose myself. I was on the verge of tears and the last thing I wanted was to spend another second in that house with those varmints and play Uno.

At the risk of not being terribly rude I did it, I toughed it out. I stayed for the second half of the football game and I played Uno. The moment the game ended was by far the best moment of my life. He stood up first and I followed his lead. We got out to his car and as I was sitting in his car I felt a moment of peace. For the first time since I walked in his house I actually believed that everything was going to be okay. He got in the car and stuck the keys in the ignition and…nothing. Nothing happened. The car didn’t start. I could feel the overwhelming sensation of the world’s worst panic attack coming over me. Tears were just about to spill over the brim of my eyes. I was hot and starting to sweat. I just wanted this night to end. I wanted this to be over.
On this particular night the temperatures were below zero, so sitting in a cold car wasn’t an option. We went back into his house and I had to hold back my tears and call my roommate. I gave her the address and the Ginger and I sat in silence. He turned the television on to the music channel, which at first seemed like this could potentially be okay for ten more minutes. I heard Taylor Swift playing and I thought to myself “could it get any worse.” and then it did. He started to sing along as if he was trying to impress me.

So there I sat in a house that smelled like death and to my right was a ginger that was alternating between singing Taylor Swift and Justin Bieber, and to my left was a cat pawing at my chandelier pearl earring. I had lost all will power to kick and shove and stiff arm the cats. They were now just having their way with me while their caretaker serenaded me. At this point I would have rather been abducted by Buffalo Bill.

20 minutes passed and I thought “Where in the hell is Lindsey? We live 15 minutes away!” To my everlasting horror, she was lost. Of course she was. Why would anything at this point go smoothly?
A few minutes later and she was finally back on course and was within 5 minutes from being at my rescue. It was at this point I decided to end the night. Lindsey wasn’t there yet, but I decided to test death and stand out in the minus zero temperatures and wait for her.

I had told the cat man she was there and I needed to go and, not kidding you, he looked at me and said “Thank you. I had a lovely evening. Could I possibly get a kiss?” I stared at him for probably longer than acceptable and almost starting laughing. All I wanted to say was “What part of tonight was lovely? Was it the smell of cat poop? Or the Uno playing? Or perhaps your car not starting? Because I am failing to see how this night went well and I sure as hell do not see how this night went well enough for a goodnight kiss.” However I refrained and politely told him no. The second I stepped foot outside his door relief rushed through my body. I took a deep breath, not as a sign of relief, but simply because I could without the fear of vomit erupting from my core. Even though I had to stand on the street corner in the snow, in heels, and in freezing temperatures, I was so much happier outside then I was inside.

Lindsey finally arrived and as soon as I sat in her car I just burst into laughter/tears. The moment was over and it was such an amazing feeling. The cats were gone. The ginger was gone. The date was really over, and then it hit me…I had left my leftovers in his fridge, and that’s when the tears started.

Yes, in fact, this was the worst date ever and I vowed I would never use anyone for food again, that of course was a lie.

A Gift From God (Part 2)

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So that evening I left work somewhere between the hours of 8 and 9 and I was still in my K-mart clothes and has I was leaving the ginger was right outside the door sitting there, waiting on me, just as he had promised. The moment I walked out the front door was quite a glorious moment for the first time in weeks I was about to indulge in real food. Not only was it going to be real, but it was going to be absolutely without a doubt delicious and FREE! I hopped up in his truck (which after being out of college and hearing stories of college girls getting kidnapped for this very same thing, getting in a strange man’s truck was probably not my best idea, but hind sights 20-20 and fortunately for you, I’m still here to share this story) we shared a smile and the conversation was slightly awkward, which was to be expected seeing as we had just met about 2 hours ago. He was quite the talker though and had plenty to say so I didn’t feel the need to insert too much into the conversation which was good, because I had had a long day and I was hungry, and the thought of having to work at a conversation seemed exhausting.

We pulled into the restaurant parking lot and it was like I had just been smacked in the face with an aroma of deliciousness and for the first time in months I felt a small glimmer of hope. It was a weeknight when we went out so thankfully there was no wait. We sat down immediately and we were eating before I knew it. Of course, this was a date so I tried to be lady like, but it was hard to control myself around all the food. I must have did alright though, because after the date was over and I was stuffed, and of course had left overs, he said he had a good time and we continued to talk.

I got to the point the where he was meeting me for lunches (and paying of course) he would meet me sometimes after work and we would indulge in places like Arby’s and Wendy’s. It was no fancy date with left overs, but hey, it was food and that was all I could ask for.

Time kept passing and things were going great, at least for me. Apparently there was some discontent on his end though, and rightfully so. One time he even mentioned to me how he thought it was odd we spent all this time going out to eat together, but I never once invited him into my house or kissed him or even hugged him. This conversation made my face turn red because honestly I was embarrassed. I was using this poor kid for food and he wasn’t getting anything out of it. At that point I thought, “Wow! He is a really must be a genuine guy to be putting up with this. How many guys would go months and month of taking a girl out but getting NOTHING in return? It was at this moment I made the absolute worst decision of my life. I agreed to go on an actual date with him.
Our date night had come and I decided I was going to pull out all the stops. I put on my pearl white heals, my little black dress, and I wore my pearls. I was doing it classy, because after all this, he probably deserved it. I was taking this serious it was a real date and he was picking me up from my house.

He had arrived and to my surprise he was in a different vehicle. No it wasn’t a limo or some fancy vehicle; he was in some old beat up car. I didn’t understand where his truck was, but that was neither here nor there, it didn’t matter it just took me by surprise.

Conversation begins as usual and we get to the restaurant and dinner proceeds. If this would have been a first date, up to this point, I would have considered it about an 8. Things were going well and when dinner was over I thought to myself “well, that wasn’t all that bad.”

I had thanked him for the dinner and this is when things got increasingly worse. There was a football game on TV this particular night that I DID NOT want to miss. So, in the rush to have him get me home in time he suggested we go watch it at his place, at least the first half anyway. In a panic I agreed…

(To be cont.)

A Gift from God (Part 1)

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The best years of my life were without a doubt my college years. You gain so much as soon as you go off to college. You gain this newfound freedom that you never had in high school, but you are also still allowed to ask your parents for money, because you’re just a poor college kid trying to survive. However, my parents have always been a little different. With the thought process that they didn’t owe me college, and the truth is they didn’t. So my mom would come to my school once a month and buy me groceries. As you can imagine with drunken Friday and Saturday (and Monday and Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday) nights my food supply would dwindle at a rapid pace. I usually spent the last week and a half of every month starving. So, it didn’t take me long to find a secondary source of food: dating.

Dating is tricky in college though. You can’t just convince any guy to take you out. 90% of guys in college are just as broke as you are, so if you can’t afford food for yourself, then you can guarantee there is a campus full of men that can’t either, meaning they won’t be taking you on a date anytime soon. So you have to be creative when you’re trying to wrangle yourself a dinner or a lunch or a breakfast, or hell even a snack. I found that Frat boys were always a pretty solid choice. Mommy and Daddy usually gave them money whenever they asked for it and they usually have some sort of Trust Fund. The downside is they are usually extremely and I mean extremely DOUCHEY; over gelled hair, popped collar, boat shoes, golf shorts, the unintelligent conversation, and the constant bragging about how privileged they are to be “a frat brother,” but as the title of this blog goes more times than not it’s always “Good Food, Bad Company.”

Not being the Frat-tastic type of gal myself I had to come up with alternatives. The idea was dating either older men or guys you found outside of the college campus. Both of which could be frightening, but the latter of the two I only did once. It truly is a dating experience that no one will believe, but I promise, it happened.

In order to help supplement my income I obtained a medial job at Kmart. The job paid like shit and the people I worked with were by far some of the strangest people I have ever met. I often times tried to play it off and make it better by saying to myself “I was grateful to have a job that paid the bills,” but the truth is it didn’t even pay the bills and obviously didn’t buy my groceries. In these struggles of money I often thought about selling my body for rent and food, but even my somewhat questionable morals wouldn’t allow it.

While employed with “Big K” I met a ginger. Now, normally I wouldn’t associate with gingers because of the fear that they would steal my soul, but let’s face it, I was working at Kmart, poor, and probably failing astrology…there wasn’t too much of a sole for him to take at this point.

One day I was feeling particularly low, I was evaluating my life decisions and at this point in time of my life that was always a rather depressing thought. I was working and as I was folding a wall of John Deere, Kiss, and American flag T-shirts this ginger approached me and expressed his interest in me and how he wanted to take me out sometime. I stood there with a blank stare on my face conflicted with the question of whether I speak or just turn around and act like I didn’t hear him. It wasn’t until he said (and I swear these are the most glorious words I have EVER heard to this day) “How would you feel about Outback Steak House?” A smile instantly stretched across my face (I can’t be certain but I’m pretty sure my eyes even got a little misty.) I could smell the aroma of the well-seasoned steak, I could feel the warmth coming off the delicious brown bread, and I could taste the cool iced tea sliding down my throat. Yes, I was in some sort heaven. God works in Mysterious ways and mysterious it was I never thought God would work through a soul stealing ginger, but low and behold there he was. A ginger standing before me looking so much like an Angel I would have sworn it was Gabriel himself coming back to spread the good news of Jesus.

The excitement took over my body and apparently my voice because when I agreed it was more in a screaming tone and I’m pretty sure all 5 customers in the store heard me. I saw a huge smile beam across the gingers face and I knew his smile was something completely different that mine. His was true excitement because he actually wanted to date me and for a split second I almost felt bad for leading him on, but who am I to turn down such a magnificent gift from God. Of course we were both benefiting from the whole ordeal. I was getting food and he was getting some pretty good company, if I do say so myself.

My hunger had kicked in and taken over my body. This beautiful ginger soul had asked me what night would work best for me and without hesitation I blurted out “right now, well tonight, you know when I get off work. That works!” He laughed a little and I’m sure he was thinking “Man, I really took a chance on asking this girl out and it’s a good thing I did. Look how excited she is.” Once again I almost felt bad, but I was just so hungry…I was running purely on hope and coffee, lots of coffee (it was free in the break room.)

What’s This All About?

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Many, many, many, years ago I started down the dating path. It always seemed so exciting; so beautiful and mysterious all at the same time. Opening the front door on a Saturday night and seeing the ever so handsome man of your dreams standing there holding a bouquet of a dozen of your favorite flowers. You smile uncontrollably thinking about all the possibilities this night could have in store for you. You’ve been swept off your feet and suddenly you’re planning your future with this man.

The night comes to an end and your heart starts racing as he walks his way around to your side of the car to open your door for you. He walks you up to your front door and he’s carrying on a light and playful conversation, but you can’t focus on the conversation because you’re too worried about whether you kiss him, hug him, handshake…your nerves are shot. You both exchange a “thank you for the lovely evening” and then he leans in and…

Wait? What? This isn’t the reality of dating?

Well of course it isn’t. Let me shed a little light on the reality of dating…

Your mom, grandma, sister, best friend, cousin, whomever it might be has set you up on this date with this “guy they know who is so great and SO perfect for you.” After weeks of them talking about it constantly you finally agree to go on what you know will inevitably be a terrible date, but the fact that you could end up alone with 13 cats is even more frightening so you see it through to the end. You don’t expect the guy to open your car door or even walk you to the door at the end of the night, but you hope for a little chivalry, like paying for the date would be nice or hell just trying to NOT GET IN MY PANTS in the parking lot of the restaurant. Yeah okay, it’d be cool if we were 16, but unfortunately we’re grown adults.

The night doesn’t begin with you being swept off your feet, it more or less begins with an “oh hell I need a drink, or five” and the night sure as hell doesn’t end with butterflies in your stomach, it ends with an angry phone call to the person who set you up on this tragedy.

So to answer your question of what’s this ‘Good Food Bad Company’ (GFBC) blog all about, well it’s about a single girls struggle to find love. A single girl who has started her professional career and moved to the city, a single girl who is trying to do the impossible: make a name for herself in this world and find love all at the same time.

Usually I wind up with a bottle, or two, of wine wondering how I got to where I did and laughing, so I’ve decided to share the horror of dating with the world.