For The Love Of All That Is Holy

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The other day I was talking to a friend and we were discussing dating and guys and basically how they all suck, except for mine of course! We were laughing and I said something along the lines of “I bet there are two guys out there right now drinking a couple of beers, playing xbox, and saying the exact same thing about girls.”

We started naming off some of the worst pet peeves we had about guys that we had dated and the laughing ensued for the next 2 hours. I figured this was a perfect discussion topic for the blog because HELLO men, get it together some of us would rather not spend the next 10 years looking for Mr. Right.

  1. “I have commitment issues”

– You’ve graduated college, have a career, and are in your 30’s. Thanks for the heads up, but I’ve already come to this conclusion.

  1. “My ex this, my ex that, my ex, my ex, my ex…”

– Oh, I’m sorry, did I ask about your ex? No? Then why are still talking about her? If we don’t ask about her, don’t bring her up, unless you don’t ever want to see us again, and then please continue talking about your hosebeast of an ex.

  1. Shifty eyes

– I know this is the first time we’ve met and you may or may not have any interest in me, but have a little class and stop checking out every girl that walks into the bar. Don’t go on dates if you are incapable of giving someone ONE HOUR of your undivided attention.

Dating smart

  1. “I don’t do crazy”

– I think what you mean is “You haven’t found the crazy that you’re willing to deal with yet.” We’re all flipping out of our mind. Some of us are just closet psychos and quite frankly those are the ones you want to look out for. If at first she doesn’t seem crazy, run far far away.

  1. I normally don’t date girls like you…

– You know you didn’t have to ask me out, Right? In one statement you made everything awkward and ruined a whole night. Way to go you GIGANTIC ass jacket.

  1. Preparing for the exit

– “Do you prefer the disappearing act or would you rather have someone just tell you they aren’t interested?” This was seriously asked on one of my first dates. We continued to date for a little while longer and then guess what happened? He disappeared. If you’re going to ask that question at least follow through. I told you to tell me you’re not interested you gigantic DOUCHE nozzle.

  1. Don’t be pathetic.

– When I say “I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship” and I stop responding to your texts and phone calls, that means I’m not interested. Don’t keep texting me “Good Morning Beautiful” and “I can’t wait to see you again!”

  1. “I’ve got money in the bank.”

– Direct quote. From a guy. On a date. He then proceeded to flash money in my face. My first thought “I’d really like to Red Rover the crap out of you right now.”

For the sake of all that is holy, just date smart.

A really great woman (who shall go unnamed) once said: “I don’t know if it’s because you’re a man or because you’re stupid, but why would you do that?”

Seriously guys, why?!

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A Little Flighty

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Question: What do you get when you give a truck driver a degree and a uniform?
Answer: A pilot.

Now before I proceed let me be clear, I have no issue with truck drivers and I feel it necessary to inform you that my father was a truck driver for years, so obviously I am not down grading truck drivers. I am however, down grading pilots. It’s not to say they’re all bad, but I have only met one pilot in my entire life and he was, well let’s just say he was a little flighty.

Everything started out pretty normal between him and I. That is of course assuming that online dating is considered normal these days. He sent me a wink and I sent one back. Then he added me as a favorite and I reciprocated the action. After we both knew we were on the same page he finally sent me a message that read something like “Hey! I enjoyed looking at your profile (which was a blatant lie, my about me section was just a period. It literally read like this “.”) You’re absolutely gorgeous and the fact that you have a college degree and no kids definitely puts you in the top 10% of women on this website!” That comment alone made me feel pretty extraordinary. I always wondered what my online dating competition was like.

We eventually exchanged numbers and we spent some time texting. As time went by I found out he was a pilot with a pretty hectic schedule. He left out on Monday mornings at the ass crack of dawn and he didn’t get back until late Thursday evenings. Between our schedules that left us with very little time to actually meet up and see each other. So I did something I have never done and something I had thought I would never do, our first “date” was a Skype date. When he suggested that we skype to see each other for the first time, I was slightly taken aback, but I agreed and we set a Skype date for a couple of days later when we would both be free.

As the idea sank in and I had time to think about the oddity of a Skype date, I actually decided that this was a pretty brilliant way to date. You could get a good sense of what the person looks like outside of a picture and you could talk to them and interact with them all from the comfort of your own home. You could wear pajama pants or no pants and they would never know. And if it so happened to turn out that you didn’t like what you saw it was easy: disconnect, delete, block, and you’re home free. For a short moment I thought “this is how all first dates should be from now on.”

Our first “date” came and went and it was pretty flawless. It went so well that we decided to set aside some time so both of us could meet up in real life. Up to this point, I felt pretty good about this date and this guy. We seemed to have a pretty great connection and it didn’t hurt that he was easy on the eyes. Not to mention he was a pilot and he got free airline tickets. I couldn’t afford to NOT date him.

Our first real life date was finally here and just as our skype date went, this too was flawless. We had dinner and walked around and talked and laughed and everything seemed to be going great. He was quite the gentleman. Compared to most of my past dates it doesn’t take much to hit that mark, he could apologize after nearly shitting his pants and I would consider that a gentlemanly gesture. He was better than that though, he paid for dinner AND he held doors open for me, quite the show off. He talked a lot about his job and at times it almost seemed like he was gloating. This only bothered me because let’s be honest, he’s nothing more than a glorified truck driver. He seemed to be a little cocky, but I tried to look at it as a true love for his career.

However, the date proceeded without any issues and all in all I thought it was pretty wonderful. It wasn’t just me who thought the date went well because before the night had ended and we kissed each other good bye he asked if he could see me again. Of course there was no hesitation when I agreed. I couldn’t stop thinking about how perfect everything had gone and for a brief second I had a momentary lapse of judgment and I let my mind wander to a place I never let it wander and I thought “what if he’s the one?”

He had sent an immediate text message to me telling me what a wonderful time he had and he couldn’t wait to see me again. For a brief moment it felt like everything was exactly how it should be.

We continued our Skype dates and texted each other often. We finally decided on a day when we could see each other again. He thought we’d keep it low key and romantic and so he decided that he’d cook dinner for me and I would come to his place, it all sounded so perfect.

It was finally time for date number two and once again I was all dolled up. He had texted me his address a few hours earlier with strict instructions to be at his apartment no later than 6p.m. So I obeyed his instructions and I was pulling in to his apartment complex at that exact time. I wasn’t sure which apartment he was so I texted him to let him know I was there. A few minutes had passed and I hadn’t heard back. Thinking maybe he was busy putting on last minute touches and didn’t have his phone on hand I decided to call. No answer. Not allowing myself to think the worst I decided I’d give him a few more minutes. He’d text me back, right?

After an hour of sitting in my car and no response I finally came to terms with the fact that, for the first time in my whole life, I had just been stood up by this stupid pilot, part of me was hoping he was dead and the other part of me was hoping he was on fire. Those would be the only two acceptable reasons as to why he wasn’t making an appearance.
Of course I went through the last week over and over again in my head. Wondering where I went wrong and why this would have happened, but by the end I came to the conclusion that it really wasn’t me and he was just an asshole.

A few days went by and he didn’t contact me and I didn’t contact him. It turned out to be just another one of my failed attempts at love.

Then the strangest thing happened, about a week later he sent me a text and asked me to get on Skype to which I replied “Okay” and then I never got on, it was my sad endeavor at revenge.

A few days later I got on Skype to speak with someone else and I had all these messages and voicemails from him. As I started to listen to them, all I could think about in my head was “Holy shit, I’m glad I tuck and rolled right out of that crazy train” and “Does the airline he flies for, know that he’s certifiably insane?” I went to read all the messages he had sent me and they were all pictures of him. He sent me at least 1 megabyte worth of dick pics. In a situation where I should have been completely mortified I couldn’t help but cry from laughter. The panic didn’t set in until I remembered that my parents Tablet was hooked-up to my Skype account. I immediately deleted, blocked, and changed my password.

In the end, I was saddened by the fact that I would have to buy my own plane tickets, scared that my mom saw a penis that didn’t belong to her husband, and glad I escaped the disaster that was the horny pilot.

What’s This All About?

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Many, many, many, years ago I started down the dating path. It always seemed so exciting; so beautiful and mysterious all at the same time. Opening the front door on a Saturday night and seeing the ever so handsome man of your dreams standing there holding a bouquet of a dozen of your favorite flowers. You smile uncontrollably thinking about all the possibilities this night could have in store for you. You’ve been swept off your feet and suddenly you’re planning your future with this man.

The night comes to an end and your heart starts racing as he walks his way around to your side of the car to open your door for you. He walks you up to your front door and he’s carrying on a light and playful conversation, but you can’t focus on the conversation because you’re too worried about whether you kiss him, hug him, handshake…your nerves are shot. You both exchange a “thank you for the lovely evening” and then he leans in and…

Wait? What? This isn’t the reality of dating?

Well of course it isn’t. Let me shed a little light on the reality of dating…

Your mom, grandma, sister, best friend, cousin, whomever it might be has set you up on this date with this “guy they know who is so great and SO perfect for you.” After weeks of them talking about it constantly you finally agree to go on what you know will inevitably be a terrible date, but the fact that you could end up alone with 13 cats is even more frightening so you see it through to the end. You don’t expect the guy to open your car door or even walk you to the door at the end of the night, but you hope for a little chivalry, like paying for the date would be nice or hell just trying to NOT GET IN MY PANTS in the parking lot of the restaurant. Yeah okay, it’d be cool if we were 16, but unfortunately we’re grown adults.

The night doesn’t begin with you being swept off your feet, it more or less begins with an “oh hell I need a drink, or five” and the night sure as hell doesn’t end with butterflies in your stomach, it ends with an angry phone call to the person who set you up on this tragedy.

So to answer your question of what’s this ‘Good Food Bad Company’ (GFBC) blog all about, well it’s about a single girls struggle to find love. A single girl who has started her professional career and moved to the city, a single girl who is trying to do the impossible: make a name for herself in this world and find love all at the same time.

Usually I wind up with a bottle, or two, of wine wondering how I got to where I did and laughing, so I’ve decided to share the horror of dating with the world.