There’s No Second Date, Is There?

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I actually haven’t been the most flawless dater known to mankind.

I know. Shocking!

I have this bad habit of talking before I’ve completely finished chewing my food. It’s not like I’m being a disgusting animal that’s talking with a whole bite in my mouth, it’s just sometimes I get so excited to tell a story I’ll start before I’m able to get my food all the way down. 9 times out of 10 it’s not even noticeable, it just looks like I’m making a hard and fast swallow. I’d hardly call it un-lady like, but I’m sure Queen Elizabeth would not approve.

So that brings me to a date I was on a while back. My date and I were talking and making jokes and everything seemed to be going really well. At one point he had made a particularly funny comment that had caught me a little off guard. I tried to choke back my food before laughing, but I couldn’t get it down quick enough and there it was, food spewing right out of my mouth. It definitely wasn’t the most attractive thing I’ve ever done and as shocking as this may be, not only was that our first date, but it also happened to be our last.

Regrettably, this has happened more times then I’d like to admit, but every other guy has been able to laugh it off and make a joke out of it. One time it was even Sushi, which is pretty disgusting, and that didn’t seem to ruin the date. Any guy that can’t get over a little food spit because I’m laughing at his joke, I have one thing to say to that: I don’t need that kind of judgmental negativity in my life.

Then there was the time I left a guy on the curb waiting for a cab.

It was a long night and we all know how alcohol can cloud anybody’s judgment. So the next morning when I woke up with a pounding headache and a mouth dryer than the Mohave Desert I knew there was only one cure: water, Advil, greasy breakfast food, more water, and a Bloody Mary. I’m not sure who taught me this, probably my eldest brother (he’s like the Yoda of drinking), but it’s a basic cure to any hangover. You can thank me later.

Anyway, the only problem was my friends wanted to go to breakfast and this guy needed to get back to his friends. You see, I was in the quite the predicament. After some thought though, I realized the only thing that made sense was to have him call a cab and wait out by the curb while I went to breakfast. I probably should have offered to take him back to his friends, as that would have been the lady-like and kind thing to do, but we were both equally uninterested in each other so I’m sure he really didn’t mind.

Then of course, there was the time I called the guy the wrong name on our first date. It was an honest mistake. I’d been on two dates with two different guys in the same day. I just overbooked myself and keeping their names straight was harder than doing the ABC’s backwards while intoxicated. Fortunately though, my little slip up happened while he was dropping me off at the end of the date. It’s safe to say I never heard from him again. Not even a “thanks for a great time” text afterward.

In the past, I’ve done some serious ranting about how much I hate when guys lead girls on, but I too am guilty of this one. Remember the cat guy? Yeah, I knew from the start I didn’t really like him, but I felt out the situation because I was broke and hungry. The older I get the worse I feel about this one, he really was a nice guy. He just had shady cats and red hair, which made him the perfect candidate for not me. I’m pretty positive Karma has already come back and bit me on the ass for this one though, so all is well that ends well.

Then of course, there’s the infamous act of going back to an ex. EVERYBODY is guilty of this one and I’ll be the first one to say it’s a serious dating faux paus. We always say been there done that, but for some reason we can’t resist the charm of our high school sweetheart at our hometown bar on the night before Thanksgiving. Why? What’s up with that? We usually run into them once or twice after high school. Unfortunately mine was twice and both times I was grasping at strings that weren’t there. In my defense we were both at really weird times in our lives.

The lesson here is, it never ends well so just don’t do it. Don’t go back. Keep running towards the light. Don’t ruin your forward progress. Remember “Been there, done that” say it with me now BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

#27 eating

And finally, there have been times that I have gone out with guys and known from the get-go that it’s not going to end well and that, despite how good of a date they think it is, there will not be a second date. I use to (key word being USE to) take full advantage of these dates. I’d order 3 too many beers and instead of being a lady and getting a salad I’d get an appetizer and a huge entrée. I knew that they were paying so I wanted to ensure that I had plenty of leftovers for lunch and dinner for the next day. Those are not my finer moments nor were they my skinniest moments either.

I’m still going to stand by the fact that 99.9% of the guys that I had brief encounters with were total douche nozzles, BUT I can’t act like I’ve been perfect. I’ve had my fair share of questionable moments. The good news is, I’ve learned something from them all and it’s lead me to where I am today.

So don’t be afraid to make mistakes while dating. That’s what makes it so fun. Don’t try to be so polished. It’s the messy, ridiculous, completely off plan dates that usually end up being the forever thing!

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A Little Cash For Your Cab Ride

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Uber

A few months ago I went on a very casual first date. It wasn’t anything special and I certainly had no intentions of it going any further than a couple of dates, at best. We met online, but it wasn’t through a dating website it was through a Facebook friend we both had in common. That alone was enough to make me 99.9% sure that this would never work. I’ve never had too much luck with meeting guys on Facebook. It’s cliché and let’s be honest, kind of creepy.

From the moment he first asked me out I immediately knew he had the first date thing on lock. He wanted to meet for drinks and a quick appetizer and that was it, meaning one of two things: he’s either only interested in sex OR he’s done this a time or two and he’s been about as lucky as I have been. Our date literally lasted about an hour and I can’t say I was upset about it. It was long enough to get to know one another on the most basic level, but short enough to make us both want a second date.

As we were sharing an appetizer of calamari and drinking our beer (thank the Lord he ordered a beer) I found myself sharing a few of my disastrous relationship stories with him. At this point-in-time he had no idea that bad dates were kind of my second job. We were flip flopping on bad date stories and I couldn’t help but be in complete awe that he had had just as many if not more stories than I had.

Time passed and we became a little more serious and to everyone’s awe we’re actually still together. Now don’t go thinking I don’t have any more bad dating stories to share, because trust me, that is NOT the case. I have an arsenal of them, but the good news is so does my boyfriend (yeah, I just said that) and now I get to share his stories to the world.

One of my favorite dating stories of his is when he leaves a girl at a concert. Douche bag move or not? You be the judge of that. Enjoy!

I struck up a conversation with a girl from Match.com one Sunday afternoon in July of 2013. We had a normal conversation via email then exchanged numbers once we became comfortable. Later that night I received a text asking if I would go for a walk and chat. I obliged and brought my lovable yet sorta fat dog with me. I was happy to see she was a dog lover and didn’t mind. Our conversation went great and so we decided to meet again for lunch the following Monday.  2 dates in 2 days! Things seemed to be going great.

Through the few conversations that she and I had I could tell that she was a teeny tiny bit on the spoiled side. You know with the “gimme gimme gimme” and “I want I want I want.” Other than that though, she seemed like a nice enough person, we all have our flaws, right?

A few days after our second date she had asked to hangout again and I agreed. That evening she had told me that her mom had bought her VIP tickets to Luke Bryan and she had asked me to go with her. Through conversation I had found out that she had had these tickets for quite some time and the concert was only three days away and she had nobody to go with. That probably should have been a HUGE red flag, but nonetheless I agreed to go.

Sunday had rolled around, the big day! Outdoor concerts have always been one of my favorite summer activities, so I was pretty excited. Not to mention we had VIP tickets which meant a private concert before the actual concert, who wouldn’t be excited?

2 hours before she was supposed to come to my house we started texting. Our conversation was about nothing really exciting, but then she said something out of the blue. She said “I just want you to know that I don’t really think I would be a good parent or that I even like kids very much.” She knew I had a son so this was a little shocking to hear. My response to her statement was along the lines of “well I appreciate you telling me now.” Not that I was in the marrying mode after just one week of dating but I certainly wasn’t going to continue pursuing someone who doesn’t like kids. She apologized and said the way it came out was not exactly what she meant, but I’m not exactly sure how else I’m supposed to interpret what she said. I was willing to look past it though just so we could have a good time at the concert.

Before I say too much more let me first say this one thing, I am a moderate country fan and Luke Bryan is just ok for me. I’m sure all the ladies disagree, but don’t get your panties in a bunch over that statement.

As soon as we arrived we did not have much time before the private concert started. We made our way to the tent and waited patiently for Luke to come out on stage. When he finally made his way out to the stage there were about 200 people huddled around the stage and the women were going crazy, as expected.

Since we were in a hurry when we first arrived I didn’t have time to buy a drink. After all, it is an outdoor concert AND there is no way I’m going to enjoy this show as much as the ladies seem to be enjoying it without a few adult beverages.

I told my date I was going to get a drink and I politely excused myself. She didn’t seem to mind as she appeared to be way more interested in screaming “LUKE.” So I made my way to the back of the tent where the bar was located, about 75 feet away from the stage.

As I was purchasing my drink a random guy struck up a conversation with me. I can’t even remember what we talked about, but about 10 minutes had elapsed. All of the sudden out of nowhere my date came walking toward me with her hands raised in the air and very angrily said “What the f*ck, dude!”

My immediate reaction was to apologize, even though I didn’t really know what I was apologizing for. I had no idea that leaving her to watch Luke Bryan for 10 minutes would be such a big deal but I was certainly sorry that she was upset. Keep in mind that the bar was in eyesight of the stage and if she turned around she could easily see me.

After the private concert we made our way to our seats in the main venue. Florida Georgia Line was up first and during their entire set she was still upset with me. I continued my apologies pleading with her to just have a good time. My pleas were getting nowhere. She continued to pout and she wouldn’t even speak to me.

After the first band ended I asked her to take a walk. I wanted to try one last time to get her to simply enjoy the concert. All my efforts made no impact as she continued to stand there with her arms crossed acting like a spoiled little brat.

I had put up with it long enough and I was at my wits end. I reached into my pocket, grabbed $40 out, and said “thanks for bringing me to the concert here’s some cab money I am going home.” I walked my happy ass out of the concert and never looked back.

A Deal Made With The Devil

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“Son, the greatest trick the Devil pulled was convincing the world there was only one of him.”
-David Wong, John Dies at the End

What do you get when you’ve met a guy from an online dating website, you’ve been dating for a month, and he asks you to co-sign a loan for him? Yes, a disaster.

So yeah, this happened. I was dating this sleazy dirt bag who was 30 years old and actually asked me to co-sign on a loan for him to purchase a vehicle.

It was March of 2014 and I was down in Nashville Tennessee with a bunch of girls celebrating one of my closest friend’s upcoming nuptials; it was a bachelorette party, if you will! One morning we were all cooking breakfast, drinking Bloody Mary’s, and rehashing events from the night before. Not even an hour had passed and when I went to go get my phone I had 20 MISSED CALLS from the man I was dating, or a/k/a the Devil.

I finally called Lucifer back and you will not believe the question that came out of his mouth. He had actually asked me if I would be willing to co-sign for a loan for him for the purchase of a new vehicle! Of course my immediate reactions were “Hell NO!” “Absolutely not!” and “are you kidding me?” He was 30 years old and he couldn’t even afford to get a car on his own. This hands down without a doubt should have been the moment that I realized “I need to get out NOW!”

I got back to Indiana and I decided I would feel the relationship out for a little while longer. After all, maybe he was just hard pressed and out of a desperate attempt to get a new car he had a lack of judgment and asked me. This happens all the time, right?

A few weeks went by and I never heard another thing about him wanting me to sign for this vehicle. I thought I was free and clear and we would be able to progress forward with our relationship, which for the most part was a disaster in itself.

A few days later I get a really vague text from my boyfriend that was just an address and said “please meet me here after work.” I thought maybe something was wrong, so after the work day was complete I headed out.

As I merged off the interstate and my GPS was pointing me closer and closer to final destination, in the distance I saw a car dealership. In an attempt to rationalize with myself I figured he had just purchased a vehicle and he needed my help getting something back to his house. That’s what it had to be, there was no other explanation.

As I got out of my car and he approached me he said “I want you to look at the Jeep I’m about to buy.” Immediately I felt relief wash over my body. He was just showing me the vehicle that HE purchased. Shew, I wiped some sweat off my brow on that one.

We looked at his Jeep and took a test drive and I assured him that the vehicle was flawless and that I thought he should get it.

Between the sales guy and my boyfriend, by the time it was all said and done I ended up walking out of there as the co-signer of a “temporary” 90-day loan. I was under the impression that in 90 days my name would be dropped from the loan and I would no longer be financially responsible.

Now, before you go assuming I’m a huge idiot, let me be clear, I absolutely am. These two swindled me into making a deal that didn’t even exist. There is no such thing as a temporary 90 day loan; I should have been smart enough to know that, but I let their sweet talking ways win me over. I literally made a deal with the devil himself.

As time passed our relationship slowly deteriorated until all that was left was the connection of the Jeep. This was mostly due to the fact that he slept with his ex and got her pregnant while we were still together, but that’s neither here nor there. Once 90-days had passed I thought I was free and clear of the loan. I was thinking they would mail me some papers to sign and I would be on my way to freedom. Again, I realize how big of an idiot I sound like, but let me proceed.

I called the loan company to see what the next steps would be and what do you know, they tell me that I’m the sole borrower and the loan is completely in my name. They also proceed to tell me that the loan is 75 days past due. Immediately my heart drops right out of my ass. How could this have happened? How could I have been so blind? For Christ sake I work in the legal field and we deal with loans all the time. HOW DID I MISS THIS?

I went about in a frantic state for what seemed like forever until I gained my composure and started obnoxiously calling my ex. He had promised me he was going to apply for a loan and we would refinance this into his name. We stayed in touch for a couple of weeks when suddenly he fell off the face of the planet. His phone was dead, his house was empty, and the Jeep (that was mine) was nowhere to be found. There was only one logical answer; he had taken his rightful place as King of the underworld.

I immediately called the finance company and told them the Jeep was missing. I told them that I was not paying on the loan and that their only recourse would be to find the Jeep and have it repossessed. As my dad said, “You can’t squeeze blood out of a turnip.” He was basically stating the fact that I was poor and couldn’t pay for the disaster that I had gotten myself in to.

My next step was to call the Police and report the vehicle as stolen and just hope and pray that this would all be figured out soon.

A few weeks went by and I heard absolutely nothing, from anybody. My nerves were on their last string and I’m pretty sure I lost a baseball sized clump of hair from all of the stress. My life was slowly spiraling out of control.

I finally took matters into my own hands and I started doing some digging and it didn’t take me long to figure out that this charming ex-boyfriend of mine had been arrested for theft, not vehicle theft, but gas theft. He was put in jail on a $6,000 bond. After some further research I found out that he posted bond and was immediately arrested for a warrant he had out for his arrest and he was held for another jurisdiction. So what jurisdiction was he being held for? Oh, I’m all too happy to answer that question, he was being held for the U.S. Military.

Apparently he went AWOL from the U.S. Army 8 years ago and after evaluation he was charged with desertion and he is now being held in a military facility in Colorado. As to the specificity of his case, I don’t know, but I do know that it was pretty serious. It was also seriously awesome, at least to me.

This is probably my biggest regret to date, but I can’t say I didn’t learn a good lesson. I actually learned a couple of things from this relationship:

1. Never get financially involved with anyone who isn’t your husband, and even then question it;
2. Karma is real, and I came out on the winning end;
3. At the first sign of crazy save yourself the trouble and get out; and
4. I obviously have a pretty keen ability for picking winners.

A Terrible Promise

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I was getting my daily dose of Pinterest the other day and after I had pinned all the helpful tips that will one day make me a good mother, wife, baker, and cook, I decided I would parooz the wedding section. No, I’m not getting married anytime soon, but I’d like to think I’m one day closer than I was yesterday, although, the chances of that are about as unlikely as me moving out of my parents’ house before I’m 30. As I was searching for the perfect dress and ring I stumbled across something truly appalling: The promise ring.

My first thought was “Wait a hold it, do people still get promise rings?” as I pondered this ridiculous question I then had to further ask myself “Do adults give/receive promise rings?” I was then immediately transported back to my high school sweetheart.

I was 15 years old and I was about to enter my sophomore year of high school. I was at that awkward bratty teenage stage where I thought I was on top of the world and everyone owed me everything. I also thought I had the world dangling by my fingertips. So, it was no surprise that from the moment I first set eyes on the older boy at the X-Men III movie, I knew he was going to be mine.

I completed the mission I had set out to conquer; I did in fact make him mine. I just knew he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. Just like I knew I would be a famous broadcaster and just like I knew my parents were out to ruin my life.

We dated all through high school and it was anything and everything, but glamorous. There was the dramatic break-up after break-up and of course every girl in high school wanted what I had, him. Or at least that’s what I had thought.

I can vividly remember the moment I made such a big deal about not having a promise ring. I was practically the only one out of my friends who didn’t have a ring on their finger to show they were in a “committed” relationship. It was such a petty thing to do and looking back on it I can’t help but laugh, but it worked. He finally got me a Promise ring and he gave it to me on Valentine’s Day, oh the originality. It was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen and it was by far bigger than any of my friends, which obviously was all that mattered. I had never been more in love than I was with that beautiful diamond.

Two weeks later we broke up.

So this brings me to the main topic of conversation, the promise ring and its stupidity.

It’s a terrible promise. At best a promise ring is a commitment to a commitment. It says “I’m not really sure I want to marry you and commit to you forever, but I think, maybe one day. So here, wear this ring and show the world my halfhearted vow that one day I might actually make a real commitment.” Chances are he’s not giving you a promise ring to show you how much he cares, he’s giving it to you to get you, your mom, your sister, and your closest girl friends to stop asking him why you aren’t engaged yet.

It’s a waste of money. I don’t know the going rate for a promise ring these days but if I had to guess I would say somewhere between a K-Mart Ring to the discounted section at Halzberg. I’m thinking of a price range between $99 and $600. How about you just save your money and put it towards the actual engagement ring you might buy me one day or you could literally buy me anything else, just not a promise ring. All I’m saying is there is a pair of Christian Louboutin heels that I’ve been lusting after and I would much rather have those than a stupid promise ring.

There are a million ways to show your commitment. As stated previously a promise ring is a terrible promise. In no way shape or form does a promise ring really provide a promise. Just like when I was 18, it easy to end the relationship. An engagement ring is given with the intent of an upcoming wedding. A promise ring is given to stall the giving of an actual engagement ring. To me it doesn’t really show commitment as much as it shows fear of making the final, actual, commitment. If you want to show you’re a committed boyfriend there are a million ways to do it and in my opinion a promise ring should NOT be one of them.

It’s childish. When you’re in high school, it’s fine. Now that we’re all adults though let’s just be upfront with what we want. You either want marriage eventually and you will make the commitment in a few years or you don’t. None of this Promise ring, maybe one day bullshit. You either do or don’t. End of story.

In the end a promise ring is a personal preference. Just know if you’re over the age of 23 and you’re boyfriend gives you a promise ring and you feel the need to show me, I will laugh in your face.

For my future love interest, or Phil if you will, if you EVER buy me a promise ring there’s probably a good chance that that will be the end of the road for our relationship. Now, if you buy me the Louboutin’s we can probably talk about a future.

Really, No Hard Feelings

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There are very few guys that I have dated that take me a while to write about, but this is one of the few. I really had to give myself some time to heal and mull over what the asshole did before I found the humor. I’m still not sure it’s really all that funny, but it’s definitely a lesson that everyone should learn before they make the same treacherous mistake. I also had to consider my losses because this may or may not be about a family friend, but that’s what unconditional love is for.

We’ve all been in the relationship with that one guy we just can’t seem to get away from. That no matter how hard we try they are always making an appearance in our lives and when we least expect it they pull the infamous disappearing act. Making us feel used and hurt, but yet we’re still dumb enough to go back to them when they reappear.

Unfortunately I too was a victim of this very thing and now I have a pretty strict zero tolerance policy. If you pull the disappearing act, don’t plan on reappearing because in my eyes you’re dead and rotting in the fiery pits of hell.

Anyway, let’s move forward, shall we?

Actually, let’s rewind to the winter of 2012. I was in the midst of an internship and just months out from graduating college. Due to my financial situation that came along with an unpaid internship I was living with my mom and dad, which was so fun I’m actually doing it again right now.

I had been conversing via Facebook message with an old family friend. I know, “Facebook Message,” sums it up pretty well and I could probably end this post right here and right now, but let me proceed.

We talked about life and caught up and before I knew it we were exchanging phone numbers. At first it seemed harmless, like we were just old friends reconnecting, but anybody with a brain knows that a friendly reconnection is not where this was going.

We ended up getting to the point where we were texting all day every day and even hanging out on occasion. With each day that passed we grew a little closer and closer, or so I thought.

Things progressed as any teenage relationship would. We never really went out in public together but we spent some quality evenings making out on my parents couch, it’s always fun to feel 16 again. Sadly, the best parts about those nights were watching the re-runs of Friends and Seinfeld. You’d think I would have stopped the relationship here, but I pushed onward.

Things went on like this for a while. I never really knew where we stood and he either avoided the question like the plague or he gave some sap story about how some girl broke his heart 2 years ago and he just wasn’t quite healed from it. I have no idea if it was really 2 years but it was at least a year and the excuse was pathetic and over used, if I do say so myself, and I do.

It wasn’t a huge deal though because I was in no place to have a serious relationship. I was working full-time during the day, going to school full time in the evening, and living with my parents. There was no time for any of these relationship shenanigans, so I let the madness ensue.

We were about 6 months in when mixed signals started flying around like Malaria infested mosquitos in Africa. He started asking questions like “What do you look for in a guy?” and “What was your last relationship like?” He’d say things like “Let’s get married!” and “Let’s have babies!” He was jumping the gun a little, but I humored him and thought this might actually just work out.

So what went wrong? Well, I’m glad you asked because a lot went wrong.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! Yes, this happened. It was the summer of 2013 and we were both going to the same concert. He had invited me to go with him, but I already had plans to go with a friend and I wasn’t going to leave her high and dry for a guy, so I told him I would meet him there, but when I ran into him I did NOT expect him to be with another girl. He claimed she was just a “family friend” so I let it slide. I’m sure she was just as much of a family friend to him as I was.

THE BROKEN PLANS

You would have thought he had the most erratic work schedule ever. No matter what we did or how early in advance we would plan to do something he always conveniently had to work last minute, and I’m not kidding when I say EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I even invited him to a football game once 2 months in advance and he talked about going with me all the way up to the evening before the game and then you’ll never guess what happened, yep, he had to work. You’d think with all the OT he was putting in he’d be able to live in his own place instead of with his sister.

THE OTHER GIRL

What?! There was ANOTHER other girl? Of course there was, imagine my shock and horror when I’m out with my sister and cousins and there he is in all his glory standing at the door of the exact same restaurant we went to waiting for a table with another girl, and of course I received a 4 page text message later that night about how she was just a “family friend.”

I must say, he’s got a lot of female family friends and it’s pretty convenient he never had to unexpectedly work when going out with them.

THE FIRST DISAPPEARANCE

Finally after a year had passed I got the balls to ask him where the hell we stood and I received the standard “I’m just not in a place where I can seriously date someone. You’re a great girl and you deserve so much better.”

This is a PSA to all guys out there: It’s time to retire this line.

THE REAPPEARANCE

A few months had passed and I hadn’t heard a peep from him. It was at the time that he vanished that I got on my first dating website and naturally I started dating the first guy I met. I’ve been told that having a degree, a career, and no kids puts me in the top 10% of all the single ladies on dating websites, so I’m a pretty hot commodity apparently. I digress; about three months into seeing this match.com guy, ole dickhead made his grand entrance back into my life. He sent pages of text messages talking about how he wanted to take me on a real date and how he can’t use work as an excuse any more. Blah, Blah, Blah. I tried to act like I was uninterested, but let’s be real, I’m a real idiot and this smooth talking S.O.B got me again.

Things actually went well for a few months. We were going out in public and going on real dates and I thought “well what do you know; maybe he’s finally got his shit together.”

I’ve been wrong a time or two in my life, but never this wrong.

THE QUESTION

Out of respect for my progressing age and my timeframe for marriage and kids I decided I wasn’t going to waste another year on this guy so after a few months I asked the infamous “where do we stand” question.

The question was asked around 6 p.m. on a Friday and no answer was received until about 2:30 a.m. Saturday morning that simply read “Sorry, I wasn’t ignoring you. I’ve been working we’ll talk tomorrow!”

I felt hopeful even though the red flags should have been flying left and right from the moment he said “I’ve been working”

THE SOCIAL MEDIA FIASCO

Saturday progressed and once again not a word was heard from him. So like any normal person, I got a little liquid courage in me and I sent out a very honest and unforgivable text that night that also probably made me look like a psycho, but after nearly a year and a half of wasted time I was okay with that.

Over 48 hours had passed and I still hadn’t heard from him, so I let the whole thing go and just figured he had vanished once again. I was surfing my Facebook when I came across some very interesting pictures that he was tagged in from Friday night, you know, the night he was supposedly “working.” Intriguing I know. I was obviously not going to say anything because despite the maturity level of our previous situation I, after all, am an adult and I just chalked it up to the fact that he’s a douche.

Sunday afternoon I received a Facebook message, yes another Facebook message, which read something along the lines of “Sorry for the no response I ruined my phone at work and I’m waiting to get a new one in the mail.”

Since he’s a little older I’m going to give him the benefit of the doubt on not understanding how Facebook works, but the dumbass didn’t realize that the message he sent said at the bottom “sent from mobile.” So yes, consider me rather impressed that he managed to send out a Facebook Message from his phone, while it was broken.  

I never messaged back and I have yet to hear from him again.

Yes, this was a relationship between two grown adults that started and ended all at the hand of a Facebook Message.

Where is he now?

Probably working and putting in 40 hours of OT while burning in the fiery pits of hell!

But really, no hard feelings…

Stop. Just Stop.

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I’m often asking myself questions like “how in tarnation did I end up in the same place as this guy?” and “Where did I go wrong?” and when things get particularly depressing “What did I do to deserve this?” Yes, online dating is a completely different world. The people you come across are unlike most and it’s frightening to see that you’ve ended up in the same place as them.

We can call it a skill if we’d like, but I’ve become quite the online dating profile expert. The biggest thing I’ve learned is that 90% of dating profiles are extremely generic and read exactly the same. Suddenly everyone thinks they’re athletic, outdoorsy, and adventurous.

I’ve become quite the expert at breaking down the bullshit. I’ve had to learn the hard way that what a guy says in his bio is, for the most part, the biggest lie ever.

“I’m laid back”
-I’m bat shit crazy. They’re the ones that only stop texting and calling after they’ve left 50 messages. They’re overly jealous and territorial, but they’ll never put that in their profile. That’s a little surprise they show you after 3 months of dating, so beware.

“I have a great career”
-Don’t get your hopes up because they probably don’t. Everybody on a dating website has some sort of great career where they’re making six figures. I find the more ambiguous they are with their description the worst their career is.

I’m in finance – “I work the cash registered at the local McDonalds.”

I’m in healthcare – “I just signed up for Obamacare and I worked the application flawlessly.”

I’m a manager – “I’m broke.” Everyone is some sort of manager and if they aren’t a manager they’re an entrepreneur.

My favorite of all time is when people put “I get a check.” Well that’s a start. We have no idea if it’s from an actual job, selling drugs, or if it’s received on the 1st and 15th of each month when welfare checks get distributed, but hey, at least they get a check.

“I love going to the gym”
-Cue the shirtless picture of undefined abs. A dating website is the last place a shirtless picture should ever be posted. It screams one thing “I’m a douche.” Even if you’ve got rocking abs, you’re still a douche. Oh, and if any dating profile ever uses the words “gym rat” run.

“I love to travel”
-Don’t we all? Realistically speaking though the majority of people have this thing called a job that only allows us to have 14 vacation days a year (if we’re lucky.) We also aren’t making millions of dollars so we don’t get to spend those days gallivanting across Europe, but you’re a manager so I’m sure that’s not the case for you.

I’ve managed to learn how to effectively comb through dating profiles. It’s not a skill I’m particularly proud of, but we all have our fortes and due to the hand I’ve been dealt this is unfortunately mine. For example, I once looked a guys profile that read like this: “I don’t boink on the first date.” That was all I needed to see to know that I would NOT be messaging him back. Not because I do the dirty on the first date, but because nobody “boinks” on the first date, in fact nobody “boinks” ever. You reap what you sow, he decided to use that god awful word and I decided to block him.

None of this compares to the ridiculous messages you receive on a dating websites though. So I’ve decided that I’d share few you all.

The guy that won’t stop
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You pretty much lost all interest the moment you used BTW. Also, no need to explain what dating is. This is a “dating” website. Not a mail order bride website. I don’t expect a relationship after one message.

The Sugar Daddy
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I guess my headline should say “I don’t have daddy issues.” Besides 30 minutes? I have a feeling he’s giving himself a little too much credit.

The Apple App
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As far as my go-to drink? It’s a toss up between a vodka tonic with a lime and any drink I’m not having with you.

English, Please
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I can’t reply because I’m not fluent in ghetto, or whatever language that is you’re using.

Just Stop
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Yes, my hair is phenomenal, but just because you add the word “really” to your third message doesn’t mean I’ve magically changed my mind and you’re going to get a response back. Just Stop.

The Go Getter
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In love? Let’s runaway and get married? Yeah, let’s not do that. There are a million ways to show girls your not afraid of commitment and this shouldn’t be your go-to.

Ru?
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Whose Ru and why do I care that they’re single?

Long story short, let’s just say the online dating thing isn’t working out too well for me.

As for me and my profile, I like to think it’s quite original. My headline reads as follows: “Must be gainfully employed with a credit score of 720, all others need not apply”

The Stranger at the Pool

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Bad Dates happen more often than not. They are a part of life and a part of figuring out exactly who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. I’ve learned to take bad dates with a grain of salt and chalk ‘em up to character building. For instance, without the horrific cat experience I never would have known that cats were a complete deal breaker, or without the vertically impaired men I never would have come to the realization that height (no matter how superficial it sounds) is important. Look, my superficiality isn’t something I’m proud of, but I don’t care who you are, we are all somewhat superficial and if you think you’re an exception to this rule, I can personally guarantee you that you’re wrong.

This brings me to my next of many tales…

It was one of the first good days of summer we had had in a long while. The sun was out full blast and the temperature was topping the scale somewhere around 80 degrees. After the long and horrendous winter we had it was practically a sin to not be outside enjoying the warmth. I decided to take this beautiful day and hit up the pool at my apartment complex. This was one of the first of many days I would spend out by the pool drinking, alone. I’m not proud of the fact that I was drinking at 11 a.m. on a Saturday morning alone, but if I wasn’t “that person” then who would have been? It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it and unlike most I willing to step up to the challenge.

With my plans of swimming and day drinking, I had no intentions of meeting anyone or for that matter talking to anyone, hence the day drinking ALONE. So, obviously I didn’t try to get myself all pretty for the pool like I find most girls doing, which by the way, is ridiculous. I didn’t even bother to shower after the workout I had that morning, so you can imagine I was probably looking somewhat like a drowned rat, but again I wasn’t there to impress anyone.

I entered the pool and sat in a corner that, for the most part was away from everyone else. All I really wanted was relaxation and some time to myself. The pool became overrun with classless hung-over college kids around 2 p.m. of which I didn’t so much mind, but rather I found myself more yearning for my college years, just wishing I could have that carefree life back and realizing that would never happen — and so, my next drink was a little stronger than the last.

As I was sitting there minding my own business I heard the person next to me say something. I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me or not so I ignored him at first and then I heard him start talking again. I turned to my side to just give him the nod of acknowledgment and go about my business but the conversation started at a rapid pace. “So you from around here?” “How long have you lived here?” “Do you like it here?” “Are you drinking?” Holy bombardment of questions, slow down. Did I at some point in time unknowingly agree to play 20 questions?

I’m not the type of person that doesn’t like talking to strangers, I’ll spark up a conversation with anyone, anywhere, at any time, but the key word is “I”. I will do it on my own terms and on my own time. I’m laying here listening to music with my eyes shut and somehow this fella gets off thinking that I’m looking to make new friends.

I decided to pull my bikini out of my ass and stop being such a bitch, because truth is I should probably work on being friendlier to strangers. As we’re talking I realize this guy is actually pretty funny and he wasn’t all that terrible looking either. He spent an abnormally long time talking about how much money he made, which was strange to me, but I just figured he was trying to make himself sound better than he really was. Naturally, at about hour 3 or 4 of my day drinking I found the conversation increasingly more interesting.

When the sun finally fell behind the tree line he had asked if I wanted to go back to his place and join him in grilling hamburgers. 6 hours of lying out in the sun, no eating, and liquor made for an obvious answer of YES! Not to mention I hadn’t done any grocery shopping for a while, so it was actually a pretty solid decision.

We get back to his apartment and I excused myself to use the bathroom. When I came out of the bathroom I was shocked to see that this man I just met at the pool looked like a complete stranger. He had taken off his sunglasses and I swear my jaw hit the floor. He had these beady little bug-like eyes, they were so tiny, I can’t even describe them, but I’m positive the circumference is unmeasurable. They were the creepiest things I had ever seen in my entire life. It’s almost as if I had just sobered up from a long night and was finally seeing things clearly. I’d never met someone who looked so different with sunglasses on.

I decided I would try and look past it. After all, we did just spend the last 4 hours getting to know each other and he seemed to be a quality guy, or so I thought.

We ate dinner and I headed back to my place for a shower and nap. He had conveyed his interest in wanting to go out that night, but had also informed me that he just moved here about a week ago and didn’t really know anyone. So, when my friends said they would be going out I decided to invite him to tag along. We all actually had a ton of fun and since he spent the majority of our pool time bragging about all the money he made I didn’t even feel slightly guilty that he spent the whole evening paying for everything. If you feel the need to bring up the fact that you make “a ton” of money, then you better pony up and get out that credit card.

For a split second I thought, maybe I could look past the beady little devil eyes. So, when the opportunity presented itself for us to hang out again I took it, with the thought process that once again I’m stepping out of my comfort zone, exploring unchartered territory.

The evening started out just fine. He cooked dinner and we talked and watched TV. We were in the middle of an action packed drama when out of my peripheral vision I see him taking off his shirt. I find this to be a little odd because it’s not hot in the house, but I let it slide trying to not think too much into it. As I’m sitting there he continues to undress. At this point I had no idea what was going on, but I lost it and I just started laughing hysterically, which was apparently not the response he was looking for because the look on his face was a rather perplexing one. I stood up and covered my mouth with my hand trying hopelessly to hold in the laughter that was erupting from within the deepest part of my stomach. I could hardly get out the words “what are you doing?” but when I did, his response was nothing short of “What? I thought tonight was the night!” My eyes started watering as I was on the cusp of hysteria. He slowly started to pull his clothes back on and I could see the rejection and embarrassment flash across his face. I almost felt bad and wanted to apologize, but let’s be real, who did this guy think he was? I gathered my belongings and politely excused myself from his apartment.

The moment I stepped outside of the door I exploded with laughter. My whole body was shaking and I could hardly make it back to my apartment without having to stop to catch my breath.

I was lying in bed that night laughing and pondering just what exactly this guy was doing. Did he really think that if he just started taking his clothes off I would follow his lead?

Needless to say I never heard from him again, which was okay because it was apparent that he just wanted someone to sleep with and if that’s the case then I’m definitely not the girl.

It’s not that I consider this guy to be total scum, but the sheer fact that he was so confident in himself that he just started to get naked is enough for me to mark him down as a total dirt bag.

The hilarity of this situation continued when I was at the pool about a week ago and I saw him pulling the exact same moves with another girl. I laid in my chair quietly giggling to myself. After some time I heard him say the ever so famous line: “Do you wanna go back to my place and maybe grill some hamburgers?” At this point I felt the need to warn the girl, but who was I to deprive her of a story this good and hey, who knows, maybe she’ll be into it. I highly doubt it though, his sunglasses were still on…